Good for you, Stephanie! I am happy that you and your wife have a mutual agreement that suits both of your needs. Truly, and I write this with all sincerity, you may count yourself among the lucky and the blessed.Originally Posted by Stephanie47
Unlike you, however, I am not a crossdresser. I cannot turn "it" on or off depending on the circumstances. This is not something I do for enjoyment, fun, thrills, are recreation. This is not a lifestyle. Instead, it is a life. It is my life. It is who I am, and I have no choice in the matter.
But like you, I also value my wife as a partner and a respect her opinion. And also like you, I do not "push an attitude" on her, and I do not require her to be "subservient" to me in any manner.
That said, I desperately want my marriage to work. The thing is, I can't hide my transsexual nature from her like you can your crossdressing alter-ego. It just doesn't work that way.
Based upon what you have written, crossdressing does not define you. You engage in the activity, but you are a man. The same cannot be said about me, and like Rianna politely pointed out, unless you live or have lived it, you simply can't understand (through no fault of your own - and be glad you cannot).
Even though I know what I am doing is jeopardizing and risking my marriage, I cannot not do these things, and that in and of itself hurts much, and makes this sooooo much more difficult!!
A very dear friend of mine, based on what she knows about me (and she knows personally both me and my wife quite well), bluntly stated that I cannot have it both ways. In her opinion, I can either transition and seriously risk losing my marriage, or not transition, retain my marriage, but ultimately commit suicide or seriously injure myself and withdraw completely from life further on down the road.
So where does that leave me, Stephanie? Assuming this to be true, and there is no viable, legitimate alternative options, both options SUCK!!! Which is EXACTLY why I am having soooooo much difficulty with this now!!!
I mean, at least for the time being, it is an either/or scenario. There is no middle ground. And it devastates me. It crushes me into the freaking ground!! I am constantly on the verge of losing it altogether!
But this has absolutely nothing to do with whether I respect or value my wife as my partner. It has nothing to do with it at all.
With all due respect, you have misunderstood the entirety of this thread. Again, through no fault of your own. First off, as Rianna pointed out, there is no man in this thread. Second, assuming you were referring to me, this thread has nothing to do about what I will "get" out of "it" or not. Simply put, I am just trying to survive this and desperately, somehow, anyhow, make my life work. Steph summed it up quite well in her response.
And KellyJameson nailed it when she earlier wrote in this thread "you pay in pain to escape pain." This is a truth that I am beginning to learn in earnest now, and it is one that I hope you never have need to experience.
