Since I have been pretty vague in my profile, here's some relevant information.Originally Posted by DebbieL
I'm in the US. I'm 50. I am definitely there on anxiety, paranoia, and depression. The anxiety and paranoia are the biggest issues. Depression is in there too, though, slugging away. These problems are getting worse, I think.
Being situation appropriate is a nightmare sometimes. This is extremely confusing. I feel like I'm at war with myself, internally.
Hello PaulaQ
It sounds to me like you may find some benefit from a referral to a psychiatrist. There's quite a bit there to deal with. I had a hard enough time without the paranoia.
How did it get in there did to begin with did you tell or did hebring it up? I know I've gone underdressed in bra and panties like others have in my case she has never asked or mentioned it and either have I. So could or would she mention it in my personal file for no reason. She has slipped her hand in my bra when listening to my heart smiled said every ok nothing more.
wilt, I bought it up. I was experiencing feelings of anxiety over my dressing, and he asked me why. I finally told him I was a TV, and I saw he put a notation to that effect in there.
I've made an appointment with my doctor for Thursday, and I'm going to tell him what's going on. Paula needs medicine for anxiety. Paula probably also needs a recommendation for a psychiatrist. (Anyone know a good one in Dallas, TX for trans issues?)
I'll report back how it goes. I'm not worried anymore. I hate the effin' closet anyway.
Are you sure you want a pychiatrist? expensive - and they tend to like to drug you up a lot to fix everything and really I am not so convinced they are so great at the therapy part of it all. Just my opinion could be totally wrong. Maybe ask you doctor if he knows any therapist / counselors or even psychologist who has experience with gender issues?
I've seen a few psychiatrists in my life that did not help me at all compared to the counselor I have been seeing the last few years -
Last edited by arbon; 04-09-2013 at 11:23 PM.
Paula needs to see herself as herself not a separate part of the whole. (I have been called on that recently too)
The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
Chief Joseph
Nez Perce
“Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,
You have a point Lorileah. I'm trying to figure out still if there's two people in here, in my skull, fighting it out, or if I'm still being a chicken and trying to find some way to deny that I'm a girl. Sometimes I feel like Paula (hopefully when that's the case you can feel the love in my posts <3 <3 <3), sometimes I feel like that other guy. (He whines a lot - he is a sourpuss!)
It is really disorienting sometimes - it's like sometimes I feel a switch in my mind. I still need time to sort this all out. Hey, I've only been able to communicate with the outside world as Paula since February!
The really confusing part is that both Paula and the other guy assert that they are the real persona, and the other one is a delusion. Maybe they are both real though?
Other than dealing with my wife, it's a lot easier emotionally being Paula - I'm a lot happier that way. Paula is a pretty optimistic person. I like being her!
Anyway, I'll try. How's this: "Howdy y'all! I'm Paula!"
That's good advice Theresa, thanks. I think I will ask - mainly because I worry that the male side of my personality is cruising towards mental illness. I've had one breakdown during my lifetime, and that was one too many. If he won't calm down with whatever my doctor gives him, he may need specialized treatment. We'll go with my doctor first though, you are right about psychiatrists. All the ones I've ever seen have been pretty unhelpful. I'll just have a recommendation in my back pocket, in case things go downhill.
I really like the therapist I'm seeing. She's really nice.
Last edited by PaulaQ; 04-10-2013 at 12:57 AM.
Well that explains it thanks. Because I was wondering if maybe she could have something in my file. As I said I've been going to her underdressed since day one with no mention of anything unusual about appearence or clothing choice. Even after sliping her hand in my bra when checking heart sounds on routine visits.
Psychiatrists have their place. The chances are virtually 100% that your therapist is associated with one (to prescribe meds) so you don't need to seek one out.
I have had problems with anxiety and depression for decades. I take an antidepressant every day and it changed my life for the better. I feel perfectly normal, but I don't experience the multi-month periods of "down" like I used to. YMMV.
My mother took her own life at 50 as a result of depression/anxiety, and it's important to understand that 1) it's a real thing and 2) like many medical conditions it can be treated. A competent psychiatrist doesn't just hand you a 'script for something. Mine interviewed me for a full hour, going over what my therapist had told him, before settling on which medication to try.
Paula, especially considering your experience with alcohol, I think seeing a shrink is a good idea. Alcohol is a depressant, and it affects your thinking and biology long after you quit.
"Don't hate me just for wanting to feel beautiful."
Sadly, I asked her about this, and she said there wasn't one in the state that her or any of her colleagues thought was worth a darn for trans issues. I can check in Dallas, though.
I'm not talking about trans issues. *IF* you have problems with chronic anxiety/depression, it is a different but related issue. For example my depression didn't go away when I stopped drinking. After being sober for a year I decided (after discussing it with my therapist) to stop taking my antidepressant. I was fine for months, then crashed into darkness. Alcohol did not cause my depression, or vice versa.
Last edited by Lisa Gerrie; 04-10-2013 at 03:20 AM.
"Don't hate me just for wanting to feel beautiful."
I've been sober for 23 years at this point. The anxiety has really picked up in the past 6 months, pretty much coincident with my increase in dressing frequency. Dressing really, really curbs it - it's hard for me to believe that they aren't related. Of course, I guess they could be independent, and the pressure of the anxiety brought on the CD. Perhaps trying to come to terms with my TG issues has thrown my brain chemistry out of whack - it's been pretty stressful so far. I've ony had two really bad incidents of anxiety in the past 20 years, one was a little over 10 years ago, and, well, really bad stuff happened, and I freaked out and couldn't shake it. The other was in '09, as I watched my net worth go from quite a lot to not very much in a very short time.
My current anxiety puts both of those to shame.
I'll see if my doc has any recommendations.
"The anxiety has really picked up in the past few years, pretty much coincident with my increase in drinking. Drinking really, really curbs it - it's hard for me to believe that they aren't related."
I'm not saying "you need a psychiatrist" I'm saying that an evaluation might be in order. Like going to see a podiatrist if your high heels bother you.
Added: I am also not saying that alcohol is related to your current issues, I was just using that as an example/possibility that you can relate to. Your brain is different after addiction/recovery but your anxiety may have a biological cause, unrelated to gender stuff. Maybe you are (to some extent) dressing to relieve anxiety, as so many of us drank to relieve anxiety.
Last edited by Lisa Gerrie; 04-10-2013 at 03:56 AM.
"Don't hate me just for wanting to feel beautiful."
I told my doctor, he said that as long as I do not do anything to hurt my health. I now where white cotton brief panties when I go for exams and my toenails are painted, I also have man boobs and when he first saw me undressed I thought his eye were going to pop out when he saw my large breasts.. It is now on my medical records that I am "transgenered male"
I'm no shrink. But I do know that our bodies are approximately 70% water. Which is why chemicals - DRUGS - can have/might have such wildly unpredictable results. And WHY the drug companies are required to list sometimes 2 or 3 pages in magazines of possible side effects. No wonder that they MIGHT have such an adverse impact on all of the zillions of electrical impulses zinging through our bodies that keep us going and contol all that we think, do and say.
Prescribing drugs is a win-win situation for doctors AND drug comapanies AND hospitals but NOT for the patient.
Just keep in mind that whatever drugs [IF] you choose to take, are going to affect ALL of you regardless of whether you are 50/50 guy/gal or really 90% Paula. You can't "control" one person and not the other.
No sane person [and the statistics back it up] could deny that this country is far and away the most overdrugged one on the planet with no evidence that it helps in the overall quality of life of our Society. Of course we are far and away the fattest country on the planet too... which obviously does not help much.
Little doubt some/many doctors, BIG Pharma and most hospitals are grinning from ear to ear.
"Things" are so bad that where I live, large drug stores with drive thrus often sit across the street from each other. At the rate they are being thrown up, ten years from now [at least where I live] they will probably outnumber gas stations.
Last edited by Wildaboutheels; 04-10-2013 at 10:13 AM. Reason: spelling
WildAboutHeels, I will respond in a new thread, down the road. I share some characteristics with Paula, and I wanted to share some things that have helped me, not debate Big Pharma. Paula knows exactly what I mean.
"Don't hate me just for wanting to feel beautiful."
So I came out to my doctor yesterday. I'm not his first trans patient, it turns out, although he only has a couple, and it's not his area of expertise. He was really sympathetic, and understanding.
Here's what I said:
"Hi Doctor L. I need to talk to you about serious emotional problems I'm having. I'm sober still - I haven't slipped, but I am having terrible problems with anxiety and depression. I'm not suicidal - but if I died, it would be a relief. I am transgendered. I've known this since I was a kid, at some level, but suppressed it. I cross dressed when I was younger, and I've had a couple of really bad emotional problems, starting with a nervous breakdown when I was 18, and culminating in my alcoholism. (He was my doc back then, so he knows my history.)
The anxiety and stress I feel when I'm not cross dressed is horrible. I have never experienced emotional pain this bad. This isn't something I want to do or chose - but I have to deal with this and understand it, or I think it will destroy me. I have tons of body issues - I hate my body. I'd always thought people did this out of some type of narcissism, but I had no idea of the pain involved.
I never addressed this issue in treatment, and while I've been with my wife, I didn't cross dress until the past year. It's only been in the last couple of months that I've realized that my gender identity is just wrong. I've started seeing a counselor for gender therapy. I've told my wife, but I'm not sure if she'll ever accept this. It's very hard for her."
He asked if she knew about the cross dressing, and I told him "no, I have never revealed that, and for most of our marriage, until about the last year, I didn't do it at all, but I think there are probably several other issues we've dealt with that have been related to this, and I just didn't realize it."
He allowed that he felt that was likely to be true. So he asked me where I wanted to go with this - what was my goal?
So I told him "I don't know. These are really powerful feelings, and I don't understand them well. I know I need to explore them and understand better - I don't know where they'll go. I don't think I want to transition, but I don't know. What I WANT is to make minimal enough changes physically that I can balance a feminine identity with being a man for my wife. I don't know if that can happen - but it's what I want.
Mainly I want, no matter what the answer is for me, to not go crazy. That's the first goal I guess."
He told me to think about this like going to college. He said it would be really hard to graduate if you only got a final grade, diploma or no diploma. Instead to take steps along the way, figure out what works, what doesn't, what I like, what I don't. It could take me a couple of years to work this out, and he felt the key to being happy was to be able to make the right decision for myself, whatever that was, after exploring this.
He also told me that I could tell him anything, and he would not judge.
He wrote me a prescription for an anti-depressant, and some xanax to hold me over
It was really a good visit, and I have to tell you, while it was hard to tell him - I trembled a lot of the time - I feel really good about it. I feel like I can get through this. I don't know how yet, but somehow, seeing my doctor tells me "you are on the road to feeling better - you are going to be OK, you are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself."
It was an enormous relief. I'm really glad I did this. I'll see him again in a month and see how my emotions are doing.
Paula,
Be extremely careful with the Xanax as it is highly addictive and is usually never given to a recovering alcoholic because it is a narcotic. A lot of folks wind-up in rehab for Xanax addiction.
You will become stronger in the ways of the Pink Fog. May the Pink Fog guide you and be with you now and forever.
Yikes! Thanks Jamie, ok, I will save this for extreme emergencies, when I'm thinking "ok, death seems pretty good right about now." I'll try to do without it altogether though, and if I need one, I'll start with 1/2 of a tab. My doc knows my history, so I just assumed this stuff was all safe. I'll be extra careful - I didn't realize this! Thank you so much for telling me this!
After a couple / three weeks of my antidepressent, when it's finally kicked in, I'll just flush the xanax. My goal for it will be to take as few as possible. 0 seems like a good number then. But if I'm on the brink of emotional breakdown, which I have been a few times this past month, I'll use it. But SPARINGLY. Hopefully not at all though.
Thank you again. I do not want to become addicted to anything, aside from fabulous shoes.
It feels good to finally talk to be able to talk to people about it. Do be careful with the xanax.
Paula,
xanax can be addictive, and I agree to use it with caution and under close supervision by your doctor. However, it's not necessarily addictive, and many people use xanax or other benzodiazepines regularly for many years with good effects. If the antidepressants help with the anxiety, that's great and you many not need the xanax. But not all anxiety is treatable with the antidepressants, and you may need the xanax (or another similar drug) and a more or less regular basis. It's too early to say.
What I mean to say is that Jamie001 is correct that you should be aware of the potential harm that xanax carries, but don't be scared away from a potential helpful treatment by someone on the internet. Just take it as prescribed - no more - and keep in close touch with your doctor about its effects. And I often see it prescribed to folks who have had other addiction issues. Used responsibly and with careful supervision, it's a great drug for some people.
Paula
As with any drug, it is best to address your concerns with your doctor and especially your pharmacist (they know a hell of a lot more about drugs than doctors do) than take the advise of anonymous people on a Web site.
"We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think." - The Buddha
BTW, I have used xanax before, twice I think, over the years, and didn't get in trouble. (I'm super careful about stuff like this.) It is helpful to know that it has more risks than I thought though. (I'm careful about painkillers too. I mean, if you get major dental work, or surgery, you gotta take some, but I always end up with a lot left over.) It's good to know the risks - I definitely wasn't aware of its abuse potential specifically.
Sounds like you have a good Doctor. It is so hard to find one these days.
All I ever wanted was to be a girl. Is that really asking too much?
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