Dose of Reality

[aalynn88]

I really don't get it. I have a lot of friends and aquaintences and most of them tell me I'm semi-passable which is great. I don't mind being 'read' upon close observation or if I have to talk to you. However, it would be nice if I passed while, lets say, walking past you in the supermarket or the mall, which I thought I did because people usually don't give me a secong look. Apparently, I don't pass AT ALL. Depressing! Today was the second time in two weeks that people in the car next to me at stop lights were looking directly at me and laughing. Each time there were 3 or 4 people in the other car looking and laughing. I guess all those friends who said I pass or said wow, you look good, were just being nice. In reality, I stick out like a sore freakin thumb. "Man in a dress" might as well be written on my forehead. It's certainly not going to stop me from going out. In fact. now that I know I don't pass at all, it frees me up to wear all the things I like that I KNOW I don't pass in. I just found it hard to believe that, from a car over, through 2 panes of glass, you can tell I'm a man but you know when they know. Just sucks.

[Marleena]

This is why I hate the passing threads Aalynn. It lures one in to a false sense of security. Out in the real world is the true litmus test. A quick glance is just that, most people are in their own world and won't notice or care. Don't let it stop you from going out and enjoying yourself.

[Diana Bain]

These things happen. Has happened a few times to me (I'm 6'4" in 3" heels...I know people see me)...been called a "freak" from someone who was about 2 ft. away. It's a bruise to the ego...everyone here has kind words for just about everyone...and it's nice to hear. However the real world is full of all kinds. I'm sure you've had your good moments too. As humans we aways seem to remember the bad rather than the good. I understand your hurting and I wish you well. So enjoy your new outlook...wear what you want and be who you want to be.

[AmandaCDFL]

Don't feel bad, I also had one of those experiences recently. I decided I was going to go to a Walmart in another town not to far from where I live. I have read many threads suggesting not to go to Walmart but hey, people don't pay attention when they are driving a car, why would they pay attention to me in a store. I was wrong! This was my second time out, and when I walked into that store I seemed like I got read like a book. I kept my composure and got what I needed, checked out and left. I felt very disappointed but I can say, it was a big step for me. I have not been out since and that was a couple of weeks ago.

[Paula T]

In your avatar you look very passable. Just a question do you do your own makeup? Sometimes that is the giveaway. If not why not try a professional makeover and then learn from it. I have been doing this for quite a few years and was fairly comfortable with my look. But I did change my look and lo and behold I now have more confidence and I think I do pass better than before. You shouldn't have been read while in your car from the looks of your avatar.

[Eryn]

You never know exactly what those people in the other car were looking and laughing at. It might have been a man in a dress or it might just as well have been a hundred other things. If they were teens their natural state is one of giggling!

Let's assume the worst, that you were "made." In that case, you provided a few moments' entertainment for some people desperately in need of intellectual stimulation. Nothing more will come of it.

If you observe GGs who are driving you'll note that they do not look around at stoplights, instead keeping their head pointed in the direction of travel. They've learned as young teens that if they look at someone it might be considered a come-on so they develop the habit of not looking around. I try to emulate them and by doing so I am no longer bothered by what people in surrounding cars might see or say.

Remember the words of Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

[Swottie]

IMHO anyone who already knows will never able to make a reliable judgement on whether you pass, I don't think they're just being nice by telling you that you are passable, they're just incapable of making the judgement. I don't know, maybe they are simply looking for female traits in you, and ignoring the male traits which they already knew about. Anyway, you all are a lot braver than I am...

[Candice Mae]

For me its when some one gets with in five feet of me, that is when I get nervous. Most of the time nothing happens or they can't seam to figure me out and stare with a some what confused look as they pass. When I do get "read" I usually hear them mutter something under their breath after they pass. I've heard "freak", "WTF", "fag", or "that's a guy?!", mostly from people around my age. It doesn't bother me too much, but it makes me feel uncomfortable for a few minutes. Pretty much why I don't go out much if at all, I always get that second look and can't do too much about my man hands or jaw line...

[suchacutie]

This idea of "Passing" is incredibly complex. First of all, our reading of others is biased by the fact that we KNOW we are dressed! We don't have a good perspective on what others see because all we can possibly assume is that we've been clocked and are about to be raked over the coals. Clearly, that isn't always going to be the case.

Secondly, our static picture may be a start, but passing completely requires all manner of subtle actions including voice, mannerisms, hiding the male cues successfully, using the proper language, responding to others as a GG would, deportment, and fashion sense. Then there is the intangible of "attitude"!

There are probably a dozen people actively on this forum who can truly pass. The rest of us have a certain percentage of the time that our illusion works. Let's face it...when Kimberly says she gets clocked, we'd better all be prepared for it and let it go when it happens!

Just my 2 cents

[Melissa Rose]

It really is quite an unpleasant experience when reality smacks you in the face and pops your warm and fuzzy bubble. It has happened to all of us in one form or another and it sucks, but is often for the best in the long term.

This may not be a popular opinion, but the vast majority of cross dressers do not pass upon even casual inspection. There are so many gender clues that in combination give it away. Sometimes for a specific moment, a certain visual angle or the way light hits a face highlights masculine features that the most skillfully applied makeup cannot disguise. Most of the time it does not happen, but the wrong set of conditions acts as a spotlight. Some people are more aware or have a better eye at detecting trans people (i.e., their transdar is very good). Unfortunately, I see threads here where someone is told they totally pass based on one or a few pictures, and I sometimes wonder if we are looking at the same pictures. Sorry, if that seems harsh or critical, but it is my reality. As already mentioned, you cannot fully trust the opinion others who know. Even an ugly baby get treated like they are one of the cutest creatures on the planet. Who has the heart to tell the parents otherwise?

Some say passing is overrated. It may be true for some, but for others it is not overrated and quite important. What really matters is how one deals with the reality of their passing level. Aalynn said not passing is not going to stop her from going out. Yay!

BTW, there is no such thing as 90% or 95% passing. Either you completely pass or you don't pass. What I think is being said is how often you get read which is different from how much you pass.

[Rogina B]

If you are going to be an out and about girl,then you have to have a thick skin. Absolutely essential for all of us. So..I will ask the big question...What harm has actually come to anyone on this forum from being "read"? And remember,in this day and age,no one knows what is in your panties unless you tell them. Go out,be safe,and enjoy your freedom to be yourself! And jump right in an elevator of teenage girls and you will learn they they won't bite....

[Tracii G]

I learned long ago don't look in the car next to you.
I have been read many times but I don't react to any words they may utter.

[Ciara Brianne]

I recently had my first real outing. Getting clocked was a huge worry at first, but I realized I was not going out for "them". I was going out for me, to embrace and celebrate who I am. Some knew, some did not. I know there are those who had derogatory comment that they shared with their companions. The only one I heard was "that's what you get for wearing those shoes" referring to me tripping over someones foot while wearing 5 1/2" heels. I'm not entirely sure the one who commented wasn't the one I tripped over and I'm pretty sure that if it was....they did it on purpose. I stumbled slightly and continued walking through the crowd. The comment bothered me for about half a second, then I just let it roll of. I was there for me, not anyone else. I was there to have fun and that's what I did.

[aalynn88]

You all are AWESOME!! Thank you all sooo much for these replies. I started tearing up. I feel much much better now. It sure is nice to have this forum here.

[MissTee]

Heck, I know there's no way I would pass. Ev-err. I used to be a powerlifter and still have big, no-doubt-a-man shoulders and arms. That said, in my mind I'm cute and petite. I I stay indoors and out of the public eye, and me and the wife just make this work. Good luck, hon.

[sometimes_miss]

Yes, coming here and posting pictures will not reflect reality, because no one is going to tell you the negatives. Friends won't, either. They want you to feel good. And then of course, there's the pink fog.
In the automotive world, car nuts will often refer to paint jobs as 10 foot, 20 foot etc., to say that the paint looks good from that distance, but looks lousy if any closer. So basically, about 98% of us are 50 foot or more crossdressers. 1% will pass at 30 feet. Another 1% will pass at 20 feet or less. But the rest of us will have to be at least 50 feet away (me, about a mile away), and should we decide to move any part of our body, make that 100 yards.
HOWEVER.....remember, GG's don't look as good as they want to, either. Nearly all of them spend a bunch of time in front of a mirror before they leave the house, and all they see are the parts they don't like, AND THEY ALL HAVE AT LEAST SOMETHING THEY CAN'T STAND but have to live with.
So now that I've told you all how rotten you probably look, try remembering this: Be nice to the women you know. They have it harder, they HAVE to try to look beautiful, it's been hammered into their brains since they were 2 years old, while we can always give up for a while, put on a flannel shirt and jeans, and go out anywhere and feel fine about it. They can't. And that's something I certainly do not envy about being female.
So compliment the GG's whenever you can. Don't go overboard. Just say something nice. Make her day. Because she's not trying to pass as something she's not, she's trying to look good as what she really is, and that's a whole lot harder because she compares herself to the airbrushed people on TV and periodicals.

[Jacqueline Winona]

Melissa said it best, very, very, very few of us will ever completely pass. I've met some of us in person (no names need to be mentioned who are very good at passing and easily get past the blend in, first look glance. But these are people who put in a lot more effort than most of us have time for, and even they have trouble with the second, more challenging look. But you tried, aalyn, and the effort needs to be applauded. Don't get discouraged if this is what you want to do- just this week I went outfit shopping for an event where I will semi-dress (no bra, forms, makeup) and was welcomed with open arms by the people who work at the shop, and the other customers didn't blink an eye (except for the GG who thought she was looking at a mirror and saw me instead! But even thenm she was more than ok with me in a skirt and blouse.)

[DianeDeBris]

I started to send a few PMs to several of the posters in this thread; then I decided a single post to all of you would make more sense. There is *so* much excellent, sensible advice here. Thanks to you all! Hugs - Diane

[Beverley Sims]

Aalynn,
Post a picture of yourself and I will give my candid opinion.
I will not be cruel but I may not say you look good if you don't make the cut.
Others have their own opinions,and I have mine.
It may be your posture, the way you walk or even the clothes you wear may stand out. I like your avatar it looks great to me.
Maybe you are being over critical and even looking around trying to make eye contact all the time.
If you do that........ Smile at the perpetrators, all the time.

[vivianann]

I dont care what other peaple think, sometimes I get read, most of the time I dont,. at least I am able to present as a woman in public, and that is all that matters.

[SilkySuzy]

Hi Aalynn, I feel for you as I only recently started going out. I have been extremely lucky to have a couple of GG who come out with me. I was so nervous the first time they took me out, and thought everyone was looking at me. I am over 6' 2 in heels so I kind of stand out. We walked past a group of guys who said as we passed "wow that chick is as tall as a guy", I was over the moon, he thought I was a woman, until my friend called out to him " that's because she is!" I nearly died. Why did she do it? Because she said I was so nervous about not being " read" that I stood out like a sore thumb! It actually helped me with my nervousness, as she said I "fit in" a lot more when I am relaxed. Maybe it's a state of mind that's important as well.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Can i tell you something it take's a lot of guts to be a female /woman i am one so i should know & do know only to b..... y well. . You know what hurts the most.what gets to me yes its hard not haveing my ...womb....not haveing what i need to have and carry ...my ... child, with that comes hard on the heels is i dont look like a female or woman , soto pass or blend in is a non event iv done the clothes makeup & wigs made no difference so given up on wigs & makeup.

Funny as it is my point is im not trying to be other than who i am so no props if you like so what you see is what every one see's every day .

Im just one of those females who's a woman, just not, dare i say it it's true one weird woman well thats what i see, others who know me say very different,

This as i know is why i had to go through some tough detail to help when i needed it so as you can see its not allways ...a ...well your female, does not make it any easer, as i know full well when im working with other women with issues,

Some times we need & i relie very heaverly on my advantages other wise id have nothing, be nothing , & i mean Verstorbene , Kein Labens , kaput
= no life .Iv had to be very strong as a woman because of my disadvantages,

Lieben Sie jenen surports diese Frau
Im so glad i have a lot of women around me so im surounded by a lot of love,=

...noeleena...

[Alexis.j]

Mmm, lets see... seen it here and many times in the real world, people just are not honest, it's like they just want to make you feel better about yourself and give you false security. It actually causes more destruction to the person when they get told that they pass, then go out thinking they will, and then get humiliated in the real word. Please ppl, if you don't think that somebody will pass, either be quiet or tell them honestly. .. I would rather like to be told I don't pass at all, than go out thinking I do and get humiliated.

[kellyanne]

There is no reason to feel down.
Human senses are very good at discerning M or F.
The male skeleton has larger bones with different proportions , especially the shoulder to hip ratio, pelvis height, torso length etc.

My partial solution is to widen my hips but as 6'2" in heels, regardless of appearance, I am much taller than the average woman in heels and the human mind will strike on this difference in a snap.

Not to mention my giant hands " My what huge hands you have Grandma"

Things are changing , not perfect but much better than 20 years ago - in another 20 perhaps we can walk unharassed with dignity.

[Tina B.]

Passing in here in a photo is not really a good way to find out if you pass, even a fat old guy like me can get a photo to look pretty good at times, but the real world gets a lot more to look at to read you.