Out

[Stevie]

Good to hear that she's talking to you.

[flatlander_48]

The journey of a 1000 miles begins with the first step...

[Jenni Yumiko]

Wow I really missed a lot on your progress, I'm sorry. Well that's good that you guys are talking and the fact that your arguing about it also means a lot as she coulda just left or kicked you out. I hope things go well for you!

[PaulaQ]

We talked some more tonight, after she got home from therapy. It's interesting to talk now - I told her that I'm not going to hide anything from her, but I also am in kind of a funny position because she doesn't want me to tell her more than she can handle. I think of it as "controlled truth." For example, she told me that her therapist was at the same facility, leading a youth TG group, that I was at last night. I told her that the next time I go, I'll try to meet him. She told me that she didn't have a picture of me on her phone to show him. Here's where the controlled truth comes in - I DID NOT SAY: "That's OK hon, I crossdressed for that meeting, the picture on your phone wouldn't have helped..."

She told me she screamed in frustration and anguish for a minute or two after we got off the phone last night after my first TG support group meeting. I told her it was useful, and it was nice to meet some others who have the same issues as me. She had hoped that I wouldn't find it useful, and tell her "wow, those people are CRAZY - I am sooo not one of them." Alas, that is not the case - I am transgendered. I told her that I secretly had hoped the same thing. (Which is true, I did hope that - until the other girls started talking, and I realized I was *exactly* like them.)

She said her therapist insists that I'm the same person - that being transgendered just happens to some people, but that while their bodies may change, they are the same person. My wife feels like physical changes are very tangible changes, that they change her attraction to me, and that I'm changing as a person. It's weird for her, I know - because we'll have days like sunday where we finish each other's sentences, and laugh about old memories, and just generally have a wonderful time being together. And then she'll think about me with breasts or something - and it's VERY different. I can appreciate what she's going through - I feel like I've been falling down the rabbit hole for about three months now.

She doesn't feel like she has any good options. She's sad being with me. She's afraid the relationship won't survive, that she won't want a physical relationship with me. But she doesn't want to be alone either, and doesn't want to lose me. I told her that I feel much the same way - that I love her, and that I don't want to lose her. She's afraid that she'll hold me back, keep me from becoming a whole, well person, in an attempt to save the marriage. I told her no, that I would tell her what I needed to do, as honestly as I could. That I'd try to pace things to give her time to catch up, but that if we reached a point where she simply could not bear what was happening, we'd deal with it. It would be hard, but there would be no blame. We can each only bear so much. If this goes beyond her measure - well, it just does.

I told her that she was actually responding better than I'd expected or hoped, and that I felt like we had a decent chance to get through this, if we kept talking and just took things one day at a time. I told her that I knew how much she cared, how hard this was for her, and just how hard she is trying to deal with this, and to help me. I told her that I appreciate it with every fiber of my being, and that if it just can't work between us - if I change too much, there would be no blame from me, because I know she's doing all she can.

What more could I ask of someone?