Feeling stupid

[Blossym]

So last night after getting home from work I decide to dress up. I do the deed, apply my makeup and choose my clothes. My fiancé and I had a great time, listening to music and having a ccouple drinks. Our roommate comes home and we play a game of basketball on the Xbox. Everything is normal and it is second nature for them to see me dressed, so it's not a big deal. The only problem is that towards the end of the night, for no reason I start to become self conscious and being hard on myself. I started feeling stupid in my own skin. It frustrates me because although I feel normal, years of society saying its not rears its ugly head and it sets me back. How do I feel normal when I won't let myself?

[Barbara Ella]

Blossym, you are feeling/acting a lot more normal than a lot of girls here. That creeping doubt will always be lurking in the background. I suspect that towards the end of the night, when things tend to slow down, and you get a little tired (well, us older folks do get tired, not sure about you youngsters) the mind slows down and that doubt surfaces. Take a deep breath, leave the room, relax, and think about what was in your mind at the start of the evening.

It will happen, just don't beat yourself up over it. It happens, as they say.

Barbara

[Lynnmorgan451]

This happened to me a week or so ago. Things were cool and I felt great dressed up all cute and some friends who I am out to stopped by and I think my wife started to feel embarrassed and it immediately took over my mindset. I felt the same way you did, self conscious and just "stupid" after about ten minutes of pretending to be doing something in the kitchen I hid in the bathroom until they left. I did come out to tell them goodnight but, my gawd!! I felt so stupid! It's like, why do we do this when we know it makes us and others uncomfortable?? It doesn't make any sense, but there's no stopping either. We are what we are and self acceptance is paramount. How can we expect others to accept us for who we are when we don't accept ourselves?

[Stephanie47]

I see you're 26. You're young. You're still of an age where there is a lot of self doubt about your role in life, cross dressing or otherwise. As you mature you will gain more self confidence. Even as you gain more self confidence, you will always have the head of self doubt raise its head. The only advice I can tell you is to not let one thing in life define you. Balance and moderation are key to successful living.

[~Joanne~]

I think that for the time being , until I do become a lot more comfortable and I kill off a few fears, this is exactly how I would feel around others and the reason I only do it around the SO (here and there) and even then I become self aware after a short stint. It seems to be a normal emotion but the more you do it the more comfortable you will eventually become.

[Blossym]

The thing that is most aggravating to me is that I usually don't care. I'm a punk rock chick - I do what I do and I feed off of negative reactions. I've been in public and even performed with my old band at a few shows in dress. The only thing holding me back is me. Breaking habits on self perception can be hard. Growing up in a strict rural town does not help the mindset of someone like me. I have a lot of abandonment issues too, some that involve being a CD, that terrify me will happen again. I better stop this post before I tell my whole life story :S

[Tracii G]

I had those feelings too and it takes time to shed the preconceived notions of what is right and wrong.

[Beverley Sims]

I sometimes felt out of place when I was younger.
Sometimes all the girls would go out leaving me with a couple of guys in the group.
Time to go out for a pizza or hamburger.....
I would feel a bit out of it as we met other guys at the pizza joint.
They addressed me as Beverley and we all related guy jokes but I felt like a guy in a dress even though the rest accepted me that way.
I was never mistreated and acted normal and when one of the girls came along I felt I had allies again.
I could be a girl.
It was a funny feeling. I just would feel odd for a short time and want to be a guy.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Blossym, How many drinks was in that ((couple of drinks ))??

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

I suppose many of us have come to this forum or to this day wounded. In some ways we've come to accept that the world doesn't really accept us, could make fun of us, or entirely reject us as in nasty divorces. I was bullied in the workplace by someone I suspected knew about me. I've been licking my wounds but it never really goes away, so I'm making the best of it. There are people who were once part of my life and long removed, but the apprehension still remains. Yes, I'll get over it some day. Still, I too feel funny being dressed around people I know who know. I know they love and accept me but it sometimes feels like I have to be apologetic because "I'm not your normal gal." All they do to convince me it's okay still doesn't seem to sink into my brain. It's probably due to a lot of past conditioning. At some point I'm sure (and hoping) my brain is going to say **** it! and just be myself.

Cheryl Ann

[Brynna M]

It may be as simple as getting tired (which alcohol will speed along) I know my mind gives way to its less desireable instincts (being over sensitive and just plain cranky) when I'm tired.

[Michelle (Oz)]

When walking through a busy mall in male mode I occasionally used to think about doing so dressed and wonder what people really think, indeed what I would think if I saw a CDer. The thoughts brought an uneasy feeling about my sanity. Yet when dressed I have absolutely no such thoughts.

I raised this with a psychologist I saw for a few sessions (when my wife wanted me to find a cure). She explained it as us having a thinking/logical side and an emotional/feelings side. Our CDing stems from the emotional feelings side. When we allow ourselves to think about the logic of it all, our conditioning as to how males are supposed to act comes to the fore.

Her conclusion was that there was nothing wrong with me. It helped to understand that my need to dress may not make sense logically (and I've quite a few more years of male conditioning under my belt) but it is who we are.

[suchacutie]

This is a crazy emotional life we lead. No matter how much support you get, most of the rest of the world is trying to tell us that we are somehow inferior. It takes a while to get our own heads together to realize that the rest of the world happens to be wrong. There are a variety of reasons for all of those people to be wrong, but wrong they are!

We do, each of us, gets to the point where we can block out the negative all the time, but it doesn't happen early for most of us. Hang in there and believe in yourself. You are who you are and you are doing nothing wrong!!!

And there are many like you!!!...us

[Ciara Brianne]

It is hard to reprogram our minds after years of society showing its norms. We are subjected to these norms from birth. The media is full of what mainstream society thinks we should behave and dress. We all have to deal with this on our own course. Please don't feel stupid. We all have similar doubts from time to time as we work towards acceptance. The biggest problem we face, i think, is accepting and embracing ourselves in spite of what society dictates.

Ciara

[kimdl93]

Bullseye....you are the one in control of your emotions. Learned behavior, even self loathing can be unlearned through consistent practice. Your mantra should be the positive opposite, something along the lines of ' I'm attractive, intelligent and appreciated by my loved ones and friends. Every time those self negating thoughts rear their ugly lying heads, think or say STOP! And then repeat your self affirming statement. Pretty soon the self hate will be replaced by a positive self image.

[noeleena]

Hi.

Im 65 a female & still feel the same though its a lot more than just an evening,

In my case its not ...socity... nore is it anything to do with my women friends or men for that matter, i get dressed for our groups & then its, i know i wont to be there with them i enjoy thier campony i get on well with them do my photography for our group have our Edwardian tea & cake, yes all of us dressed in our finery,

Yet i feel out of place, embarrised as it is, & would rather hide away. its like id rather look in a misty mirror because then i cant see how i look. thats what its like,

So yes stupid silly embarrised & wonder why the hell im there dressed as i am. & im just a woman. so no its not easy, its bloody hard in fact. & yes i feel ashamed of who i am. And this is ...REAL...LIFE....no fantisy here, no make belive, just down to earth, & being female is not so easy,

...noeleena...

[JamieTG]

I'm about to turn 60 and I still occasionally get the guilt feelings and disgust with myself. I handle it a lot better now than I did when I was younger when society was not as accepting. The feeling usually passes after I remind myself that I'm not hurting anybody and by the next day I'm feeling better again.

[Cathy Jooste]

It is ok to feel stupid. I get it often and it always spoil the mood. I then try to push myself through it by rather feeling than thinking. When I "feel" and not "think" being a girl comes more naturally to me.

[Jackie7]

Despite many years of dressing and complete acceptance and participation by my spouse, I too have felt the way you describe. if I am at home with friends, I just excuse myself and go change, sometimes this leads to conversation about how I was feeling and the responses of the others, sometimes it passes unremarked. Likewise, occasionally when we have planned to dress up and step,out, it just doesn't feel like what I want to do that day.So I just don't.
I think it is very important to honor your feelings.

[docrobbysherry]

There's NO easy answer, Blossym. I've been trying to rid myself of guilt since I began serious dressing 15+ years ago. After attending countless CD events and meeting hundreds of other dressers, I still dislike the way I look and feel guilt from what I'm doing.

I keep telling myself: It's the most fun I can have at my age, the girls I meet r great people and company, and I'm NOT hurting anyone else by dressing!

And, it gets easier every year. But, I'm still dumb struck occasionally. By the time, money, and energy I spent on all things CD. And, I think, "What the F r u doing? U must be crazy stupid to devote so much of your life to playing dress up!"

[punkypunk]

Yep, totally get it. Oh well, knew it was gonna b hard...

[BlairP]

Blossym,

I feel the same way sometimes. So strange. Its hard being a CD.

[Taylor Ray]

Great description of the reality of crossdressing in public, Blossym. My question revolves around the issue of deciphering where exactly negativity comes from. I understand that negativity ultimately manifests in our minds and inner selves, but I am also curious about the origin of such feelings.

Being dressed and out is very courageous, and we all hope to find acceptance within a community we are a part of. But for me, I have repeatedly encountered judgement and derision.

Great Wishes to all!