I get it we lied to our SOs. . . but please

[Maslow's Mum]

Great post Isha! I have often read posts where SOs say they were 'lied to' when their CD didn't disclose....they are upset because their SO didn't trust them. Someone else also said on another thread that (to paraphrase) 'here we are all accepted, loved and supported but the REAL world doesn't work like that"....and speaking for my small corner of the world that is so true. For a man to disclose here that he cross dressed ....well, the poor devil had better have a one way ticket out of town as well because he would be made the butt of jokes, rejected and mocked. It would mean no job, no future. Sad but true.

Here is a true story that has nothing to do with CDing, but shares everything with it. I had a lover once who was part First Nations Cree. His name was Ian and he very visibly was part Cree, however, he told me his grandfather did not look Cree at all. In fact he 'passed' so well he was able to become an Anglican minister (unheard of for his race and for the time) and he married a 'white' woman. As Ian said to me....'now you have to remember this was back in the day when we Indians were killing whites and them us!" So he didn't tell her because he loved her so much he knew if he DID tell she would reject him. Finally after 8 children together and many years he thought "I love her SO much, I have to share this with her". So he did. His wife immediately hired a carpenter, partitioned the house in two. Ian's grandfather lived on one side of the house and she lived with the 8 children on the other. They spent the rest of their lives like that. Almost all of those children became either drug addicted or alcoholic or had other problems coping, one of whom was Ian's dad.

So, he didn't tell her because he loved her so much he was terrified of losing her
but then he did tell her because he loved her so much....and he lost her.

This story is not saying 'don't disclose'. His not disclosing and then disclosing were were not 'a lack of courage' or 'shameful', they were 'acts of love in both cases'. The lesson in this story at least for me is that loving someone seemed to be this man's only 'crime' and how tragic is that? When I stand before St. Peter or Allah or whomever, or I'm just aying there dying waiting to go on to my next big adventure....and I look back, I hope my only crime will that I loved someone.