I have been where you were. I thought things were going to be over until we did schedule a meeting with a counselor. Chose one that is versed in gender issues. Otherwise you may get one that will try to "fix" you. Check with your local support organizations. They often maintain a list of recommended counselors. That is how I found the one that we went to. It did save our marriage. Before going my wife was afraid the counselor was going to try to push transition. That was not the case. After a one session, my wife and I came to terms with my cross-dressing. She still doesn't like it, but understands it is not going away any time soon. We are on a DADT, but she gives me some time along with some other guidelines we worked out. The counselor did not even push more sessions. We left, she said that we should be OK with this one session, be if we needed her she was there. And best of all when she submitted the insurance she put it through as depression. Which was right but she left out the gender issue.
Most of all is communication and understanding from both of you. Good luck working through this
