I know my boyfriend is crossdressing but he won't tell me...

[Beverley Sims]

Too much deceit going on here.
Hidden clothing and condoms you don't use.
It all sounds so unsavory to me.
For peace of mind the HIV test and encourage a bit of honesty.
It could be a deal breaker all round, but don't let love cloud the issue.
You have a difficult decision to make here.

[Jenniferathome]

I heard DAn Savage give an excellent response to the same problem. I wish my GF had suggested it. I'll try to paraphrase here. He suggested that you suggest playing dress up in the bed room and tell him it really turns you on. Try this for a while and see if he opens up some. It might take a few times. hopefully you both will enjoy it.

Really Sallee? Is she a doormat for this guy? This is such a CD-centric view and such bad advice that I had to comment. Why should any woman have to entertain her SOs cross dressing so actively? An honest question merits an honest answer. He's a perpetual liar and now he should be indulged further?!?! To borrow from Sports Center, "Come on, Man."

And Starbuck, while it is true that cross dressers are embarrassed when caught, it is not true that we all become liars. Coming clean is cathartic. He must think you a fool or not worth it. Either way, it is bad. YOU ARE NOT A DOORMAT! best of luck to you,

[Tracii G]

I would get tested for STD's starbuck as soon as you can.
This guy is a dead end in my book.

[Karren H]

Kick him to the curb and go find someone who won't lie to you and doesn't crossdress.....

[Annaliese]

This is a time to tell him to stop the lies, if you are finding condoms lube, there is more than just the dressing. You need to get to the bottom of this, for your own good.

[NicoleScott]

My thoughts on this:
1) the condoms...serious issue.
2) he's not very good at hiding his activities. I think most of us who really wanted our CDing to remain secret would do a MUCH better job. He doesn't make much effort, which might mean he WANTS you to find out.
3) At first, I thought Reine's approach was too blunt, but after thinking about it, I like it. This may need a confrontaion.

But if you want a more kind and gentle approach, you can give him the opportunity to reveal. I mistakenly thought that me desire to dress would be replaced by desire for my bride, and I purged . As we know now, it doesn't go away. My wife read an article in a magazine that had some crossdressing aspect to it. She told me about it and asked if I ever did it. Yes. Did I like it? Yes. Do you want to do it again? Yes. All along the way she was very accepting and positive. When the discussion was over, she encouraged me to get some things and start CDing again. You might bring it up, saying you saw an article or something on TV, and see how it goes. If given the chance to come clean and he doesn't, that's a bad sign.

[arbon]

For someone that seems determined to keep the secrets from you he is exceptionally bad at hiding things.

[Talisker]

A lot is being made of the condoms and some assumptions from them that there is someone else. Maybe or maybe not.
You dont mention the type of toy. They could be used in combination with certain toys on himself ;o)

I like the idea to start finding things to start an important conversation.

[Shar]

In my mind the condoms are the biggest problem. He is obviously scared to tell you about his crossdressing. If you have no problem with his dressing and you love him,sit him down and discuss it with him.
Set down a set of guidelines that you are comfortable with.
Wishing you well.

[Kate Simmons]

I find it interesting that over 30 people have poured out advice on this with no response from the OP yet. I'm understandably curious to see what Starbuck has to say about all of this.

[GiannaD]

God bless you Starbuck! You need to sit down and have a "come to jesus meeting" with your man and clear the air. Relationships are built upon honesty and the guy obviously isn't putting that forth.

The cross dressing you have to either accept or walk away from. I was honest with my wife and told her about it, and she acknowledges it (though she probably wishes it wasn't the case). I'm not blatant about it, and never "in her face" with it.

I wish you all the best in getting through this!
Gianna

[melanie206]

As Amy said, "the jig is up". I can only add that you should get yourself tested for STDs very soon.

[Jorja]

I was going to answer this but you have some really good advice already, starbuck. I agree, get yourself tested for STDs. The sooner the better. Follow Reine’s advice. She is correct in how to deal with this.

[Tina_gm]

I am sorry that you are going through so much. The lies, the amount of them are not right. Especially when you are calling him on it and he still lies about it. What is fairly obvious is that he is having sex with someone other than you. (condoms) Of course that is up to you to decide at this point. But again, part of the lying that will never lead to a healthy relationship.

[NicoleScott]

A lot is being made of the condoms and some assumptions from them that there is someone else..

Am I naive, or is there some other useful purpose for a condom?

[kendra_gurl]

Fill them with water for cheap boobs, cover that nasty chemical smell some toys have, Help keep toys cleaner, catch and save the fruits of your labor oh the list goes on and on

[NicoleScott]

Thanks. That answers my question. I guess I am naive. But will the OP believe any of these reasons the SO packs condoms for trips?

[kendra_gurl]

I certainly hope not. She really does need to take what Reine says and lay it all out, make him man up to it and then tell all or disaster is inevitable

[S. Lisa Smith]

I think that the OP has received enough advice that my little bit would be lost in the greater mass. I am tagging in so that I will get updates. I hope the OP will respond to the advice given.

[Fortuneta]

Hello Starbuck...
There is nothing in your note that I have not done...Hidden clothes, borrowed make-up during my test period and even slipped a few things in the wash hoping she would find them. I was afraid to approach the subject with her and wanted her to bring it up. YOU HAVE and he continues to back away. That sends a message to me that the crossdressing is not a single problem...I would have been sooo happy if that was the way crossdressing was introduced to my wife. I was also convinced the pictures and note sending was too a site such as this and he was asking for help. But I don't think so and the truth needs to be told. You are living with two people and he needs to explain the second.
You sound like a great concerned person and you desearve an explaination.
Take care, Fortuneta

[wanabe-Leona]

Starbuck
Along with all I commend you!
Even though laying everything out on the bed is a little strong you might lay it all out in a letter in detal in a loveing way and then have a gift box to go with it to let him KNOW that you are all right with the cding but the trust issues are the deal breakers that you have the greatest concernes with.
Maybe give this websit add in the letter to help him open up to the fact that he is not the only one that cds.
Keep us informed on how things are going and if we can be of any more help to you and your boyfriend.
Our best you Leona

[Aaron Zwidling]

I too am with Reine on this one. He needs to start telling the truth about everything you have found before you can have a meaningful future together.

[PatMatoole]

Maybe he is meeting a domme.

[Miriam-J]

When we were short of money, he would go to Mandee's and buy $100 worth of women's clothing. He still purchases lingerie on a very regular basis, even though I am the only one with a full-time job right now.

Okay, independent of all the other lies and potential lies ... this guy is using you to support his own bad habits. I've known to many of this type, male and female, and recognize it as someone who uses others. Chances are that if you turn off the financial support and make him fend for himself (in everything, not just the crossdressing), he'll make some huge scenes, find another victim, and then disappear - only to reappear the next time a girlfriend kicks him out. I recommend that you take action yourself, but protect yourself first by ensuring he can't take anything from you when he leaves. Also make sure someone else is in the home when you confront him to protect you in case he turns violent.

Sorry if this seems harsh, but I am soooo tired of people who use and abuse other people. They live off of one conned victim after another.

Miriam

[mary something]

Am I naive, or is there some other useful purpose for a condom?

dachshund balloon animals! Maybe he is a female mime at a second job in the city, making little dachshund balloons for the kids.