I know my boyfriend is crossdressing but he won't tell me...

[Desirae]

It is not out of the realm of possibilities for a crossdresser to wear a condom in order to "avoid the mess". I'm not saying that is what's going on here. I understand that this doesn't really explain the lube, though. It could be as diabolical as everyone suspects. You have to get him to talk somehow. If the hints and sweetness hasn't accomplished this, thus far, maybe it's time to get extremely confrontational with him. If he truly loves you, he's not going to want to lose you because of this. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you are OK with his crossdressing, but anything else that maybe going on you are not OK with, assuming you are not OK with whatever else might be going on. You need to get to the bottom of it for your piece of mind.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Am I naive, or is there some other useful purpose for a condom?

Fill them with water and throw them off the roof, or is that something I mis-remember from "Summer of 42"?

A lot of things that you describe are classic crossdressing. But, I have to say, that even at 12, I did a much better job of hiding things than your BF. However, I wonder if you're snooping. Given the kinds of lies you're hearing, snooping would be in order. But, if my SO went on a "Reconnasance" mission or a "Search and Destroy" mission I don't think I would have any girl stuff left. There's only so many hiding places.

So, is your BF really a bouncer, or something else? Have you ever seen his pay check? He could be a drag queen and use tips to fund his extra shopping.

I don't think the toy and lube are classic CD activities. Plus, your BF is almost a sociopthic lier.

I think you need to try to separate the CDing from whatever else might be going on. One way to do that would be to draw him out. You must know his sizes by now, so why don't you get him some clothes, and lay them out on the bed before he gets home. When he does get home, tell him you left some clothes on his bed and you want him to get dressed, with the hint that you'll make it worth his while. Hopefully, that will draw out the CD behaviors, and leave you an easier job to figure out what the rest of his activities are for.

[MissTee]

With the full support of my spouse, I have been CD-ing for 40-ish years. Never bought condoms or took pictures, much less texted pictures to anyone. We have a very healthy and honest relationship. I can say, then, that with honesty and understanding Cd-ing becomes little more than a clothing choice.

Sounds like you are missing the honesty. I see a train wreck happening soon in your relationship if the truth isn't shared, and I hate that for you Starbuck. We need more understanding ladies like yourself. Good luck.

[devida]

Starbuck writes that she is a very open minded person. What she states she dislikes is the deceit. While I totally agree with everybody who suggests that the possibility he is having unprotected sex with another person means that Starbuck should insist he use condoms when having sex with her, and that both of them getting tested for stds is a good idea, I don't understand why the act of having sex outside their relationship has to be a relationship extinction event unless Starbuck thinks it should be. Really, the majority of long term relationships have at least one or two instances of infidelity and they are not always fatally damaging. Partners can ignore them, allow them, participate in them or use them, as recent studies of therapists have suggested many couples do, as a means to deepen and strengthen the primary relationship. Starbuck does not state that she wants to dump her lying boyfriend over a possible affair and not dumping him does not mean she would be a doormat. It could be a sign of strength, self confidence, confidence in the strength of her relationship and good humor. What is damaging is the deceit. She feels lost and alone because she no longer knows who her boyfriend is, because he clearly has a second persona. She needs to know who she's living with first, before deciding her future actions. Certainly if he is fundamentally incapable of being honest with her she should terminate the relationship, but she needs to have the opportunity to find that out. He could be scared that his relationship with her will be over if she finds out about his cross dressing or about having an affair, or both, or he could be a pathological liar. Why not let her find out before telling her to DTMFA?

[Desirae]

Really, the majority of long term relationships have at least one or two instances of infidelity and they are not always fatally damaging. Partners can ignore them, allow them, participate in them or use them, as recent studies of therapists have suggested many couples do, as a means to deepen and strengthen the primary relationship.

The majority? What empirical data is that based upon? I doubt that's true at all. The majority of couples in a marriage that is long term do not cheat on each other. USUALLY, if there is cheating, it is the end of the marriage. Most people will not tolerate that kind of behavior. If you want to be with someone else, then go be with someone else. The one thing I would say is that it is a possibility that the majority of DIVORCED couples became divorced because of infidelity. Successful, long-term relationships, whether they are marriage or non-marriage based, are based on trust, and infidelity is a breach of that trust. I know infidelity is a deal breaker for me. No amount of counseling would change that.

[DonnaT]

I suggest you take his sisters things and box them up, then tell him you are going to give his sister a call and ask her over to see if she wants them back.

His reaction should get things out in the open, if he's not being truthful.

[Alice B]

I think it is time to have him read this site and especially what you have written and said. He needs to fess up and allow your relationship to adjust.

[NicoleScott]

Fill them with water and throw them off the roof.....

....and what is the USEFUL purpose of that? (hey, just a little humor offered in a discussion of a serious matter)

[vallerie lacy]

Were I in your situation, I'd throw his ass out. I'm sorry to say this, but he's making a fool of you. Nobody deserves to be treated this way.

[Tina_gm]

the majority of long term relationships have at least one or two instances of infidelity and they are not always fatally damaging. Partners can ignore them, allow them, participate in them or use them, as recent studies of therapists have suggested many couples do, as a means to deepen and strengthen the primary relationship. Starbuck does not state that she wants to dump her lying boyfriend over a possible affair and not dumping him does not mean she would be a doormat. It could be a sign of strength, self confidence, confidence in the strength of her relationship and good humor.

Respectfully I will disagree with this. If in a long term committed relationship and or marriage, there should be no need to go outside the lines. Sure, Starbuck may accept it, that is up to her, as some do accept and get involved with extra affairs. But I do not think it is something that will ever strengthen the relationship itself, especially if it is done by lying and other deceitful behavior. For the vast majority of people, sexual activity outside of the relationship is damaging in so many ways. Even many of those who have experimented with it and had agreements with their partners end up regretting doing so, and having a lot of emotional distress over having been with others or their partner being with others.

[danielle swenson]

There was a post a couple days ago titled "When is it okay to deceive your spouse?"
So many people tried to justify this very behavior in this thread. So now that the story is coming from a GG its shed in such a different light...
SO how many of you still think that that this behavior is acceptable?

he's not very good at hiding his activities. I think most of us who really wanted our CDing to remain secret would do a MUCH better job.

with that thinking does that make you any less of a narcissist?

A crossdresser, is a very good liar. They are very skilled at hiding things, and it makes me wonder what is going on that you have found anything at all.

Speak for yourself! I was never any good @ lying. Is it the "guy who has a beard and wares a dress" or this type of thinking that give cross-dressers a bad rep in the "community"

@starbuck cut your losses! There is only one thing on his mind and that's himself! There are so many people on this very site who would sacrifice a limb to be w/a gg like you!

[DebbieL]

This is actually pretty normal. He has lived a double life for a very long time, and at this point you are too important to him to risk letting you know. At the same time, he wants to get caught, and wants to know that you could accept him/her. He's a bouncer, which suggests that he has one circle of friends who interacts with him as a "Man's Man". On the other hand, the clothes and goodies in bags going to new york suggests that he is going somewhere to wear the clothes. There are clubs for transgenders in NYC. They are hard to find and pretty exclusive.

What you might do is confront him by showing him what you have found. Better yet, pick out something you'd like to see him wearing, lay it on the bed. When he comes home, tell him you want to see him wearing it NOW! Forget excuses and other nonsense. He might even want you to order him to dress. See how he responds. When he's all dressed, take some pictures. Then, let him know that you want to support him, and you want him to do it right.

As for the condoms, if were only condoms, I would be concerned, but if there were sex toys as well (won't go into specifics) he probably used the condoms on them so they wouldn't get dirty. Much easier to clean up. Also, a condom protects the clothes and gives him time to enjoy the calm after the storm.

If he didn't want you to find out at all, he wouldn't be leaving things where you could find them. I had hiding places under floorboards, between matttresses, secret compartments, and places that my parents wouldn't even WANT to look. When I wanted to get caught, so I could get some help with transition, I left a small bag with a few clothes in the bottom of my closet. Mom did find them, and when I told her that I still wanted to be a girl (I had told her when I was 6 and now I was 12), she told me I could keep the clothes, and we developed a "code" for which clothes I could take and which ones she till wanted to wear - pantyhose with a knot in them were mine. Clothes in the "Goodwill Bag" were mine if I wanted them. She even took me shopping with her and let me help her pick out clothes that I would like to wear. She'd wear them a few times so dad wouldn't get upset (he didn't mind buying HER skirts and blouses but didn't want to pay for MY skirts and blouses).

The problem for him is that he is terrified that you will reject him, or worse, tell all his macho buddies what a sissy / panzy... he is, and that those buddies would do something terrible.

Depending on how long he has had these desires, he may have been painfully aware of the torment that boys who were labeled "Sissy" got in school, he might have been one of those dishing it out, or worse, might have been on the receiving end. He may have also lost a previous girlfriend or two, or had a girlfriend who found out tell everybody that he was gay. Many people don't know the difference between transgender and homosexual, and often, the persecution is the same or worse for transgender.

There are lots of good semi-fictional and non-fiction books on transgender issues. Forced feminization is very popular, probably because so many transgenders and cross-dressers feel like they are forced to dress, look, and act, like boys, so they need to have someone "force" them to dress, look, and act like a girl.

You say you are living with 2 people. This is partly true.
If he is level 5 or 6 transsexual, a girl trapped in a boy's body, then the boy is the lie, and the girl is terrified that you won't love her.
If he is a level 2 cross-dresser - getting fully dressed as a woman but limited desire to extend the experience beyond sex, the boy is the truth, but HE is terrified that you won't love him.
If he's in between the two, transgendered and wants to present as a woman but doesn't want to transition, then he doesn't even know the truth himself. He AND She are terrified you won't love them.

The hardest part of this for you is that you need to embrace the woman before you can know the truth. Once you do so, you will probably love her. There are things about HER that were attractive to you, perhaps how he responded when you told him to do something (rather than ask), or how he shared his feelings, or even things like how he sat up straight with good posture. Things so subtle that you wouldn't have noticed they were HER. He on the other hand knew and made a deliberate effort to learn these things (or learned to look and act like a "man" for others).

It may take time to sort out boundaries and roles. For example, he might be submissive and femme in the bedroom and in "safe" clubs and environments, but with his macho male friends, would want to appear to be the dominant and/or masculine one.

Keep in mind he has spent most of his life living in "stealth mode". This is because for most of us, it's a bit like being a spy in a hostile country, an undercover cop in a gang, or even a Jew in Nazi Europe. The fear is that if we let our "Femme Selves" out - for transsexuals, our "True Selves" - be seen by ANYONE - the consequences could be dire, dangerous, even fatal. This is not completely without merit, about 400 transsexuals are killed and about 1000 more are violently assaulted every year. As young boys, usually elementary school, physical violence and abuse by other boys, often under the watchful eye of teachers and other authority figures, was quite common, and often led to serious injuries, stress related illnesses, and post traumatic stress. To a 6 year old boy, being tripped and kicked like a soccer ball by 15-20 boys for 10-15 minutes can be as traumatic as being in a fire-fight in Vietnam or Iraq or Afghanistan as an adult male.

The fact that he trusts you enough to let you "catch him" speaks volumes. If he didn't love you more than you can imagine, he would not take the risk.

[Marleena]

Very interesting first post by Starbuck! I wonder if she'll ever be back?

In the meantime I'm craving a coffee at... oh...n/m lol.