Paula, you have been very good to your soon to be ex-wife. It also always seems like you have a solid plan for everything you do. I am glad you got a lawyer and I am glad you filed, and I am glad that you have supported her. You have a lot of positives going for you in your case. Good luck with the divorce, I am hoping that in the end, both you and your ex will come to a mutual agreement
Kaylee
I'm not saying you're were bad, Paula, I'm saying that you taught her not to trust what you say, because it turned out to be a mask. You didn't have much choice in the matter, but you still inadvertently provided years of incorrect data to her. Trust is hard to rebuild, is what I'm saying --and trying to rebuild trust as your marriage ends is probably a lost cause.
Yep your marriage failure was 100% your fault Paula.
Yep sensible enough. That is the way most unreasonable people figure it to be
Get a grip Jess. And drop the holier than now attitude.
Please, let it rest! And if you acted that way to a friend if mine and were skipping all passively and aggressively down my street as a kid, I would have tripped you! I would today as well in a way. You old bat!
Good Lord
Vanny (grrr)
Last edited by Vanessa Rose; 02-01-2014 at 01:00 PM.
Paula IS 100% responsible for the divorce. Paula got married as a man with a women who wanted to be married to a man. Get it?? I flat out told my husband that if he were a women in a mans body that the deal was off. I was up front and honest with him, he was never up front and honest with me. Plus Paula can't even wait until the ink dries on the divorce before taking up a relationship with someone else. How respectful is that? There have been other deceptive behavior in Paula's marriage as well so Vanny get off your high horse and stop being so bitter yourself. Grrr right back at you.Originally Posted by Vanessa Rose
Perhaps Paula is in a hurry to be in a loving, understanding, accepting relationship. Perhaps that's just as respectful as her former spouse outing her, against her will on multiple occasions. But I suppose that was Paula's fault as well? You must live in a perfect little paradigm where its easy to reveal gender dysphoria, where ultimatums like you gave your husband are an example of true Love. I mean, how is giving an ultimatum like that an example of Love or understanding?
I suppose it never occurred to you that your husband might have been resistant in telling you the truth because deep down he knew you'd have that sort of pent up frustration, anger, bias and resentment and acceptance, true acceptance, would never be something you were capable of. So with him fearful of that, who'd blame a spouse for harboring secrets.
Paula did violate some trust in her marriage. I think we all understand that, and we do not see her former spouse as the villain here. Yes, some of the spouses actions were distasteful. But does that mean paula should pine away for a woman that no longer wants her, and was willing to exhibit such vengeful action as outing her? I think not. She set some courses of action in motion, just like Paula did. But spouting vile rhetoric and blame fixes nothing.
Well, I do. I guess it is all my fault. All I can really say in my defense is that I've never wanted this. I have always just wanted to be a normal person, and accepted as such. I tried to be one - acting the part, even though I never felt it. I was in the wrong body.I know that many don't view me as being a normal person though, although that's all I've ever wanted to be. I tried desperately to lead that life. But I am not, and I cannot. I know that I will NEVER really be accepted. I am simply not one of you. I'm sorry, so sorry - I never asked for this.
At least you view me as a human being - many do not. Some few view me as a monster. Such is my life. Why would anyone choose this? It is certainly my worst nightmare.
In all fairness Kitty, I'm not the same person as your husband. I'm not sure it's fair to lay his sins at my door - I have plenty of my own, of course.I flat out told my husband that if he were a women in a mans body that the deal was off. I was up front and honest with him, he was never up front and honest with me.
Well technically, I took up with someone before the ink was even on the divorce papers! I have no defense for this. I'm not pining away for my wife not because I never loved her - I did and do. I hope some of my feelings about her come through in various things I've written here. I gave up all hope on the relationship when she told me I no longer deserved to wear my wedding ring, and then kicked me out of my home and left me to live or die on my own. (It really hurt about the ring - I hadn't given up, I wanted to find some way to make it work.) I don't mean to be overly dramatic, but in retrospect, I'm still somewhat surprised I made it out alive. I am certain that had I not started HRT so soon after leaving, I wouldn't have made it. I'm frequently scared - I am going through the worst thing I have ever gone through in my life. When someone reached out to me - it was irresistible. As with everything else in my life though, I am sure I'll be judged for this too.Plus Paula can't even wait until the ink dries on the divorce before taking up a relationship with someone else. How respectful is that?
I've lived a life of deception. It seemed like the safer thing to do. I can't imagine coming out as trans as a kid in the 60's or 70's. I can't imagine surviving that in Texas where I was born and grew up. I did introduce myself as a liar in my intro post here. I guess I am one of the more dishonest people on the forum.There have been other deceptive behavior in Paula's marriage as well so Vanny get off your high horse and stop being so bitter yourself. Grrr right back at you.
If it makes any difference, several years ago, my wife went through a terrible crisis that resulted from something that happened when she was in high school, and she faced terrible depression. This created an enormous strain on our marriage - it was the worst crisis we'd faced as a couple prior to my coming out. I tried to support her during her troubles. I don't guess it makes any difference though.
edit: I forgot to mention that I got word today that my case really was finally filed. Apparently a paperwork snafu delayed the filing. But it's filed now. I am told we got a liberal judge, which is good news for me, I hope.
Last edited by PaulaQ; 02-04-2014 at 01:01 PM.
Alright, thanks, that makes more sense Jess. I think that is close to the issue, but after thinking about it some more, a more precise way to say it would be to say that after years of not changing at all, to the point where I became the rock she moored herself to, I changed radically, and rapidly, and so she literally doesn't feel like she knows me anymore - or that it's even the same relationship. The relationship changed so radically that even though my overall trustworthiness didn't change (actually it improved), the basis for trust is just gone. She doesn't know me anymore, so she can't trust me. And unfortunately, she knows that I'm sneaky, clever, and quite a lot smarter than her, so she has reason to fear me.
I appreciate what you've said - it made me think about trust from her perspective, and sure, she has no real reason to trust me at this point, and you are right - trying to re-establish that is likely a total waste of time. Still, all I can do is try to treat her fairly. Maybe she'll eventually come around, probably not though.
Let the Blame die and new hope open an eye to possibilities and reasons to fly high, down low or up in the sky...
I am happy today that others have jumped in too, not to defend, but to push back the not so fair side in this discussion.
I wonder if you GG's judge yourself, in the same manner that you judge. I read people for a living, and do not think so... Whatever the reason for such hatred, it will not come from me further.
I am done with this discussion and have said all that I can to highlight what I felt are the faults with the finger wagging and blame ridden estrogen balloons here.
Enough said..
Vanny
lol that is funny.
and I rest my case folks!
Can we limit sniping back and forth in this thread please? I really don't want the moderators to lock it. Thanks.
Er, no – it isn’t all your fault. The “Paula issue” was certainly pivotal, but your wife had a choice, and she made a choice based on her emotional reaction to the situation.Well, I do. I guess it is all my fault. All I can really say in my defense is that I've never wanted this. I have always just wanted to be a normal person, …
I'll contrast this with my situation – which has nothing to do with crossdressing. My wife and I had a fantastic sex life before we married, and this was rather important to me. I was married once before, and the sex was terrible (I’ll leave that long story for another day) – and I vowed not to make that mistake again. After we were married one month, the sex went from (at least) daily to 3 times a month. In a year or two, it was down to 2-3 times a year, then once every year or two. It’s now been 5-6 years since we last did it.
The relevance of my little story is this: your wife married a man under the expectation he was “normal” (for lack of a better word). I married a woman under the expectation we’d have a good sex life. In both our cases, the situation - and relationship - evolved negatively in unexpected ways. I can blame my wife for the lack of libido (and unwillingness to seek help), and I could use this as an excuse to get out, but I haven’t. I accepted the situation. Your wife could have chosen to accept the unexpected situation that developed in her marriage just as well. We play the cards we are dealt.
Last edited by Lorileah; 02-05-2014 at 12:20 AM. Reason: not needed
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