Why do people choose to keep their crossdressing a secret?

[Raychel]

For me, I kept this a secret from her for a very long time. over 10 years
several reasons in my mind,


First, I was scared out of my mind that she would throw me out of the house.
we have 3 boys and I certainly could not stand that.


Second, I was not sure that she would keep my secret from the world. Another
very scary thing that I would not be able to deal with.


Now time has passed, Our relationship has grown, I have come out to my wife and our kids.
as well as some of my family and friends. My wife has totally accepted me, and everyone else that
I have told, is totally cool with it. so all those reasons that I had were totally false, It all worked out
well for me at least.

[Karen kc]

My wife is fine with it. I keep it a secret because of my kids and grandkids. I dont want my 10 y o granddaughter to have to put up with any more peer pressure than what she encounters now everyday!

[Badtranny]

There are some people who should NEVER come out regardless of circumstance. These are people who have not come to grips with who they are, and coming out makes everything bad for everybody, including the rest of the 'community'.

There are some people who could come out in the most outwardly un-accepting situation imaginable and they will be fine and even open the minds of many.

I would say the majority of posters in this forum are not ready to come out at all and should absolutely keep their secret. Then there are plenty of those who are plenty ready and should probably keep the secret anyway. As with most things in life, there is way too much grey in the answer even if the question is unambiguous.

The particular activity is less of an issue than the particular person. I think too many of the 'coming out gone wrong' stories are simply due to the CD just not knowing how to act appropriately with their new freedom.

I guess if you really want to be open about who you are (whomever that may be) then you should come out and do that, but the bottom line is found right there beneath all the psychobabble, and on it is written; It all depends.

[MsVal]

I remain in the closet for fear of how my spouse will react. And my friends as well. [...] Bible believing fundementalist. [...] sooner or later my wife will discover my clothes an then what?

You're far from alone in your reasoning. It appears that those that have not revealed their crossdressing to their wife/SO/girlfriend made that decision based on fear of the unknown.

I think there may be the nucleus of another thread along the lines of "How do you reconcile your religious faith with your crossdressing?" - That won't be the title, but it's a start. I was, and still am a fundimentalist, and am struggling with that as well. The closest I have come is that fundamentalists believe we are all sinners, including those that would chastise us, and we all need redemption.

Do you have a plan in place if/when the discovery is made?

Best wishes
MsVal

Best wishes
MsVal

MsVal, how old are you? I am envious of anyone under thirty, who have come of age in a more enlightened era, and have enough youth left in them to really rock a dress.

As an over fifty, I grew up surrounded by poisonous attitudes towards any male that was less than a "man's man". [...] Under those conditions, the real question is, Why would any man ever admit to being a crossdresser?

Hi Suzanne, My age (64) is in my profile, and while I wish I could selectively turn back the calendar, I can not, so I choose to make the best of what I have.

As one that has seen some of the same things you have, I understand what you are saying. Our hero's, our idols, the people we wanted to emulate while growing up were cowboys, soldiers, detectives, rugged men, "REAL MEN".

Disclosure is a very big and very personal decision. As I said in the original post, it is not my intent to advise anyone, but to provoke a discussion whereby we may learn from each other.

Personally, I disclosed to my wife primarily because we love and respect each other too much to keep secrets from one another. This is not the first nor will it likely be the final disclosure she or I will ever make. Secondarily, since I was not going to keep a secret, I wanted to choose the time and location where the disclosure would be made.

Hi MsVal'
I've jumped in late on this one, my wife knows I cd but we have a DADT relationship. Your third point about anxiety and stress screws me up and doesn't help me.
Many have commented on not telling because of bad reactions from family, friends or co-workers but don't forget they not all living perfect lives they may have worse problems than you, the fact that you don't know doesn't make it go away for them. We tend to think when we get a bad reaction from someone that they must know about you but they may be desperate to talk themselves.

Hi Teresa. You're not late, and I'm thankful that you wrote. I believe you said in another post, but I've forgotten how your wife came to know about your crossdressing.

DADT seems to be pretty common. It permits both parties to avoid the subject but doesn't allow for any further understanding.

Someone (me, possibly) may follow up on whether the stress is bad or good thing. E.g. For those that dress for excitement, stress enhances the experience and makes it more pleasurable.

You make a very good closing point. Everybody has something they would rather not disclose, something they may actually want to talk about with someone they trust.

Best wishes
MsVal

I'm new to this forum, but the reason I finally joined, after lurking for a year, was because my wife has forced me out of the closet.

My wife is an alcoholic, and gets abusive and aggressive when she drinks. A week ago, while we were arguing about another issue, she called me a bunch of names that were related to the lingerie she had discovered in my dressing room. The cat is well and truly out of the bag. By one token, I am happy that my secret is now out in the open and I don't have to hide it from her anymore. However I'm also now concerned she has a weapon she can use against me whenever she wants, or is confronted with difficult situations. I have children from my first marriage, and am concerned that she will reveal all to them. They don't need their lives complicated in this way.
[...]
That's why I have come to this forum. I have no one else to talk to about this. So, thank you all for sharing your stories and experiences.

Welcome to the forum Robert. I seldom know what I'm talking about, but there are many wise people here that do. They freely give of their time and experience to help folks like you and me. But as a long time lurker, you already know that.

I am so very sorry to hear of your horrible situation. It brings me to tears. As a child of alcoholic parents I understand to a degree what you are going through. It's tough; you walk on eggshells, never knowing what will happen next. If you need a hug, this is one good place to get it. If you need someone to talk to, we are here.

I've read that when you are presented with a very difficult situation like what you describe, it is wise to own it, get in front of it, and control it. In this context, I believe that would be to make your own disclosure, at a time and place of your choosing, thereby taking away her weapon in a safe way. I've done that professionally a few times. It sounds hard, and it is, but the alternative is quite unpredictable, and seldom easier.

Children have a lot more resiliency than we give them credit for. They will probably find out sooner or later, how they find out is unknown at this time.

Best wishes
MsVal

[...] I like me fem side to be totally separate from my regular life. [..] Kind of like escaping into a whole different person. [...] my SO found out and decided she is not ok with it, I am doing me best to put cding aside.

Hi Lexi. Some people are very good at, and very comfortable with compartmentalization of their various 'selves'. They may have the work self, the spouse self, the parent self, the good-old-boy self... and none of them cross over. It sounds like you are among them, or you were until your SO found out. Now your damage control is to deny your crossdressing nature. Others have said they were unsuccessful. I hope it works for you.

Best wishes
MsVal

simple enough, I don't keep secrets from my wife. [...] i made sure she was aware and "ok" with it. as for the rest of the world, [...] not worth it

Hi LadyInRed. I like that name.
It's good to read of a disclosure that went well. Congratulations to you both.

It's pretty easy to keep it a secret from the workplace, not so easy in the family.

I've disclosed to my wife but I still need to disclose to my family, thereby relieving my wife of the burden of keeping it a secret. A secret, I may add that she cannot talk about to anyone. Also managing the potential embarrassment of accidental discovery.

Best wishes
MsVal

For me, I kept this a secret from her for a very long time. over 10 years
several reasons in my mind,

First, I was scared out of my mind that she would throw me out of the house.
we have 3 boys and I certainly could not stand that.

Second, I was not sure that she would keep my secret from the world. Another
very scary thing that I would not be able to deal with.

Now time has passed, Our relationship has grown, I have come out to my wife and our kids.
as well as some of my family and friends. My wife has totally accepted me, and everyone else that
I have told, is totally cool with it. so all those reasons that I had were totally false, It all worked out
well for me at least.

Thanks Raychel for the wonderful bad news / good news story. I actually gasped when I read the last paragraph.

You lived with the stress and anxiety for ten years and then made disclosures that sound like a non-events. How did that make you feel?

Best wishes
MsVal

My wife is fine with it. I keep it a secret because of my kids and grandkids. I dont want my 10 y o granddaughter to have to put up with any more peer pressure than what she encounters now everyday!

Karen, thank you for bringing up a very good point about the little ones, peer pressure, and bullying. The original context was spouse/SO/girlfriend, but you're right. There are little ones whose skills at handling things may not be adequate to protect themselves from the words and actions of their peers.

Best wishes
MsVal

For me it's just the area and the type of person who lives around here. Its still quite a sheltered straight male dominated area so to 'come out' is a scary prospect. Although most of my closest friends know and my partner who I told well before we even started dating. Just being selective I guess.

Hi Scarlet, I see that you are among those that chose to tell your partner early on, and your close friends. I do hope that worked out well for you. As for the rest of the world, well, you've got to make a living.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Tina_gm]

The particular activity is less of an issue than the particular person. I think too many of the 'coming out gone wrong' stories are simply due to the CD just not knowing how to act appropriately with their new freedom.

I would definitely agree with this statement. I have read some posts and thought to myself, you just hit her with a huge change by the reveal, and before she can hardly begin to catch her breath, the changes start coming in, and then these same posters will talk about the difficulties of an unaccepting S/O.... "she freaked about the painted nails the shaved legs" etc etc. Those things may happen in time, or may not in her presence, but an S/O who chooses not to leave because of CDing alone, but then how it is presented is another matter altogether. The pace, or lack of communication when the changes start rolling in. It IS a big deal to them, any and all of it when there is change.

[Tina_gm]

I initially figured I would never actually dress, so I did not disclose to my current wife at the time when we were getting engaged and she point blank asked me if there is anything she needed to know before we got married. I chose not to tell her of my desires. But, over time, I knew that I would have to tell her. As for keeping it secret to everyone else, that is the product of building a life without actual crossdressing, (always had the desire) and now I have two teenage boys, a long term job, friends and family..... to reveal to all would constitute a 9.0 on the Richter scale with a resulting tsunami the likes that happened to Japan a little while back. I have to deal with the fact that I did not deal with myself for so many years and built a life the way I did. It has been hard enough for my wife to absorb this aspect of myself. It would be way too much to have friends and family to deal with, for her moreso than me. Many would likely attempt to persuade her to leave me. The awkwardness the would come her way and mine. my kids do not need the harrasment that would come, my mother is becoming elderly and not in good health, no reason to give her such a shock so late in life.

Fear, sure I suppose you can call it that. I also feel it is that I have many responsibilities to my wife and kids, and the security I have built in with the job I have held for many years. Some would accept and be ok with it all. maybe some I would not even expect. And some I might suspect that would, wouldn't. But there are many that I know who would not do well at all with it. And I can live life the way I am living it now. Perfect, no, better than it was before, yes.

[samantha rogers]

GM, have you thought about just telling her but no one else? I am in exactly the same position with teenagers, family, friends, job etc, but after years of holding back I finally did tell her recently. It was tough and is not over, but she is still my best friend in the world and I could not deceive her any longer. So far, though it is not settled yet, she is coming to understand and forgive. She still loves me and is growing to accept it. I don't know your situation, and I do not mean to preach or judge... I would never. Just asking with much empathy, honey. Sometimes, the love we fear losing is greater than we give it credit for...sometimes. Whatever, I understand and support your decision. Only you walk in your heels, baby.
Hugs

[Laurenlovecd]

I am just afraid that very few people I know could relate to my love for Crossdressing. The entire concept is so foreign to most people. I have lived in the same town my entire life and I am an owner of two small business's, one dealing with kids. The parents just would not understand. If my situation was different I would gladly let Laura out of the closet, but I can't take the chance. It is sure nice to have forums like this to share my passion with others.

[renee elizabeth]

Have read and heard about a lot of negatives that unfortunately happen. I.e. Job loss. Loss of friends and family. Divorces. Being targeted for harassment and violence by so called macho types. Also there are some like me who are very private about thier personal lives and feel that they don't have to let thier skeletons out of the closet. Many reasons to keep our female selves locked away. I do choose to keep a tight lid on my Joanne side.

[Michelle789]

Fear, and the possible real consequences. I will address a few issues.

1. S/O - this is probably the most terrifying, because even if your wife is open to having CDing friends, she married a man, and may be terrified by the thought of occasionally presenting as a woman, or even the remote possibility that you're TS and may transition.

2. Work - this is probably the second most terrifying, since in many states you can get fired for being openly CD or trans. Even states with job protection laws your employer can find other ways to make your life miserable at work e.g. harassment, giving you less challenging assignments, unpaid time off, etc...

3. Parents - We're very attached to our families, and our society places an extreme importance on our birth families, which we don't get to pick. Unlike an S/O or job, where you chose to get married or chose to accept work, you have no say in who your family is. If they disown you, then you don't have a family. They could also choose to harass you, guilt-trip you, tell you how "being a woman sucks", ostracize you, exclude you from family events, leave you out of the will.

4. Neighbors - if we venture out en femme, we will guaranteed be caught by our neighbors. One or two outings you might not be seen by any neighbors. But if you go out regularly, you WILL be seen by a neighbor, and your neighbor may recognize your face, and even if they don't recognize your face they might see that obviously CD/tall woman/dude in a dress walk to or from your door or your car. Yes your neighbors will recognize your car. We risk facing judgment from our neighbors. Sometimes it's a closed-minded bigot that hates CD and TS. Sometimes it's internalized fear that our neighbor might not understand us being cross-dressers, or even that they may be surprised "you a cross-dresser, you seem like the last person I know that would be a cross-dresser"

5. Friends - this is probably the smallest area of concern, since we can pick and choose our friends at will. Still, we invest so much into cultivating friendships that we fear losing friends, or having friends not understand us, make us the butt of jokes, or fear that they may be completely surprised that you're a cross-dresser.

With any of the above people in our lives, we fear them not understanding us, thinking we're perverts, or them telling us how ridiculous we look. Fear of being told that you make a fat and ugly woman, or that you look like a ridiculous guy in a dress, or that you're gay, or that you have no idea about how awful being a woman really is.

[Christen]

Negative general public reaction, I think. Crossdressing confuses the heck out of people, me included from time to time. My wife knows, that took me 25 years to get to broach the subject, and even then I wouldn't have except that my daughter stumbled across me completely dressed. My youngest daughter knows as well. But the issue is never discussed, you know DADT. I'm sure some of my good friends would handle it OK, some of my siblings would too. But so many people can't handle it, so I keep it secret..ish, well all of you know. Totally agree with not giving enough credit for love and understanding! My beautiful wife absolutely floored me when, the second time my crossdressing came up (shave legs in summer, not a good idea), she said 'Oh well, I'll just have to accept that my husband like wearing women's clothes". And yet I've still not revealed the extent to which my crossdressing goes. My eldest daughter has been very upset at me, but she loves me and I think as long as I don't shove it their face it's OK. But my God, I hate the deceit, not to mention the paranoia of getting caught out.
If I had my life again I'd tell my SO as soon as a relationship look like getting going. I salute all of you who have done that.

Christen x

[mariehart]

Well crossdressing is not like announcing to your wife that you're taking up golf or fishing or even something like military re-enacting which requires dressing up. It isn't socially acceptable. You will probably face public derision or worse. Friends may reject you or attempt to talk you out of it. Family may react angrily and even if they don't throw you out for good, they may be less than supportive. Even if people are supportive to your face. They may laugh at you behind your back and even work to undermine you. Everything you hold dear may be taken away from you. Your relationship, your children, your career.

So in the face of all that, why would anyone not choose to keep it a secret?

Sure the above is the worst case scenario. But I'm sure anyone who has come out has suffered one or other of the above. This world is not kind to those of us who are different to the norm.

For me, there was a time when perhaps I should have come out. I had little enough to lose. But I didn't and the reason is simple. I am simply not strong enough, not thick skinned enough. I'm not one of life's survivors. I envy those who have the strength to face up to it. But I'm not one of those people.

I even get embarrassed by some of my socially acceptable interests. I sometimes feel embarrassed telling people what my job is. So announcing to an unsurprised world or even my wife that I often wear women's clothes is a step too far.

Worse still. I'm TS. I can't even provide an adequate explanation as to why I'm that way.

There are no easy answers

[Dana_Drake]

The fundamental problem is that you cannot predict how any given person will react to one's disclosure. That is the problem. You cannot unring a bell. You can say that chances are that someone will respond positively when told, but all that is is a probability; nothing more.

Everyone's situation is different. There may be family, work or social reasons why one may chose not to disclose. Further, one's perceptions of those reasons can vary, person to person. One's perception of the consequences can also vary. It's a complicated situation with a ton of variations. What's right for you may almost be guaranteed to be not so right for someone else...

My thoughts exactly. You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. Many of us would stand to lose everything.

[MsVal]

The original question asked about disclosure in the context of a wife/SO/girlfriend, but there have been some wonderful responses that address the broader issue of disclosure to others that are inside and outside of the family.

[...] to reveal to all would constitute a 9.0 on the Richter scale with a resulting tsunami the likes that happened to Japan a little while back.

Kind of like being on the my fault line. (Yeah, it's a bad pun.)

[...] It has been hard enough for my wife to absorb this aspect of myself. It would be way too much to have friends and family to deal with, for her moreso than me. [...] I also feel it is that I have many responsibilities to my wife and kids, and the security I have built in with the job I have held for many years.

Thank you for those very good points Gendermutt. Your wife is aware and that troubles her a great deal. To disclose to others could unfairly increase her burden. You also mention that your responsibility to provide financial and other security for your family would be compromised through a general disclosure. For those that consider such things a necessary part of being a husband and father, that is a very big issue indeed.

Best wishes
MsVal

[...] I am an owner of two small business's, one dealing with kids. The parents just would not understand. [...] It is sure nice to have forums like this to share my passion with others.

Speaking as one that has children, I agree completely that parents would not understand. That would ruin the business overnight. The only way out of that one would be to sell the business before a disclosure, and that is not a trivial undertaking.

I also agree that it is wonderful to have this forum where people can discuss, within limits, their crossdressing experiences. Notice that there is no mention of payment, either required or requested, there are no advertisements, and I receive no spam email to the unique email address I use for this forum. There are no flame wars, and no ... er ... unsavory posts. I once again applaud the volunteers that keep it that way.

Best wishes
MsVal

[...] there are some like me who are very private about thier personal lives and feel that they don't have to let thier skeletons out of the closet. [...] I do choose to keep a tight lid on my Joanne side.

Given that you are a very private person I completely agree that the lid should be on tightly. Does that include keeping the lid on so tightly that your wife/SO/girlfriend is shut out? They have a way of opening closets and those Tupperware containers at the most embarrassing times.

Best wishes
MsVal

[...] I have read some posts and thought to myself, you just hit her with a huge change by the reveal, and before she can hardly begin to catch her breath, the changes start coming in, and then these same posters will talk about the difficulties of an unaccepting S/O. [...] The pace, or lack of communication when the changes start rolling in. It IS a big deal to them, any and all of it when there is change.

Gendermutt, you're spot on. Your post gave me pause while I pondered how my own post-reveal life has been lived.

Best wishes
MsVal

Fear, and the possible real consequences. I will address a few issues.

1. S/O - this is probably the most terrifying, [...]
2. Work - this is probably the second most terrifying, since in many states you can get fired for being openly CD or trans. [...]
3. Parents - We're very attached to our families, [...]
4. Neighbors - [...] We risk facing judgment from our neighbors. Sometimes it's a closed-minded bigot that hates CD and TS.
5. Friends - this is probably the smallest area of concern, [...]

With any of the above people in our lives, we fear them not understanding us, thinking we're perverts, or them telling us how ridiculous we look. Fear of being told that you make a fat and ugly woman, or that you look like a ridiculous guy in a dress, or that you're gay, or that you have no idea about how awful being a woman really is.

<In Michelle's well thought out and well written post I had much difficulty finding ways to boil it down to its essence. Too much good stuff.>
I can appreciate the terror of disclosing to an S/O. They are the people we hold most dearly, the ones we lean on, the ones whose love and respect keep us going. They are also the ones most likely to make those fateful discoveries that critically, and sometimes fatally injure the love and respect we had been accustomed to receiving. I believe the question should be: Is the risk of disclosure greater than the risk of discovery?

As for the Work, Neighbors, and Friends - those are valid arguments. Those people don't have a 'need to know'.

Parents and other family - I don't know about that. Reports from others on this forum seem to show that it depends on the family.

Best wishes
MsVal

Negative general public reaction, I think. Crossdressing confuses the heck out of people, me included [...]
Totally agree with not giving enough credit for love and understanding! My beautiful wife absolutely floored me when [...] she said 'Oh well, I'll just have to accept that my husband like wearing women's clothes". [...]
But my God, I hate the deceit, not to mention the paranoia of getting caught out.
If I had my life again I'd tell my SO as soon as a relationship look like getting going. I salute all of you who have done that.

Christen x

We are social creatures. Right or wrong, the opinions of others matter to us. We take it personally when the things that we do confuse them.
You have a wonderful wife Christen, and I can tell that you know and appreciate that.
"I hate the deceit" - while the opinions of others matter, shouldn't our opinion of our self matter more?
No need to salute, soldier. I'm just an enlisted man doing what had to be done.

Best wishes
MsVal

Well crossdressing is not like announcing to your wife that you're taking up golf or fishing or even something like military re-enacting which requires dressing up. It isn't socially acceptable. [...] I didn't and the reason is simple. I am simply not strong enough, not thick skinned enough. I'm not one of life's survivors. I envy those who have the strength to face up to it. But I'm not one of those people.

Worse still. I'm TS. I can't even provide an adequate explanation as to why I'm that way.

There are no easy answers

Thank you Mariehart for your very candid, very personal, self assessment. It must have been quite difficult to write. You may be speaking for many others that did not express it as well. I hadn't considered people with feelings similar to yours. You opened my eyes. I apologize for my inconsideration.

For you, and others of similar mind, there really is only one way to handle that knowledge. You likely carry a very great burden of emotional stress. I wish you well.

Best wishes
MsVal

[suchacutie]

This is a very complicated issue and I'd like to look at it a little differently.

My wife and I discovered and nurtured Tina together. Right from moment one we were fascinated by this hidden side of me (hidden from both of us!) and we couldn't wait to ask all the questions possible as we tried to go back into my then 55 years of life and 34 years together to try to tease out the parts that really were Tina. We also were incredibly curious about how Tina might play out in our lives as we went forward. Basically, it was and is a massive adventure shared between us.

One agreement is that it stays between us. We just don't trust other people's ability to be tolerant. I agree with Karren on this totally. I've seen some very open-minded friends go insane at the idea of a MTF crossdresser or a female impersonator. OMG it was just amazing in a completely terrible way.

But what I want to bring up here is a theoretical: Having experienced a wonderful wife helping with Tina's journey, if my circumstances were to change, how would I go about bringing this up to a new "friend"? Just consider the potential mess. What it all comes down to is that we better be ready to be "out" to the world at the time that you bring it up to a new person. That person is then in control of that privacy that you've shared with them.

So, I think the bottom line is the lack of control you have over your life as soon as you allow your transgenderism to become public.

Then again, I have a lot of actions and desires that I don't think I want hanging out on my clothesline! It's that lack of trust of other people and the lack of control that really says it all for me.

[Aeslyn]

I think it has been touched on in here but my own personal reason for secrecy is primarily my daughter. I know she faces enough forms of bullying as it is and I know the community she lives in. If anyone knew her dad was a "part-time second mom" she would face far worse. I saw it happen in the same community when the dad of a female friend of mine came out of the closet and my daughter is now in school with the children of the people who made my friend's life hell.

As for coming out to an SO, I don't have one and haven't for a very long time. I think being single is part of what has brought out more of my fem side since I have more opportunity. And as it stands at the moment I would prefer to be with a man, one who wants me to be his woman. However, I think at this point in life if I were to become deeply involved with a female it would have to be someone who knew and accepted my fem side since I don't think I want to go back in to full repression ever again.

As for other possible reasons for secrecy I think for a lot of people it is that they don't want to shake their lives up too much. This is another main reason why I would not come up in my current life. In two years when my daughter (who doesn't live with me anyway) is 18 and goes off to university I still won't come out unless I move and completely change my life. We become too comfortable with the way things are and the shake up that would be caused by coming out is something we don't look forward too even if it may allow us to pursue our desires. It is not just coming out that this cause for hesitation effects but many different things in our lives - changing jobs, moving even within the same community, ending relationships which we may not be happy with, changing banks or credit card companies, etc... This being something which holds us back from doing many other things in life it is reasonable to assume it is a major factor in hesitating to come out about things which will definitely change your life and social relations.

[MsVal]

This is a very complicated issue and I'd like to look at it a little differently.

My wife and I discovered and nurtured Tina together. Right from moment one we were fascinated by this hidden side of me (hidden from both of us!) and we couldn't wait to ask all the questions possible as we tried to go back into my then 55 years of life and 34 years together to try to tease out the parts that really were Tina. We also were incredibly curious about how Tina might play out in our lives as we went forward. Basically, it was and is a massive adventure shared between us.

One agreement is that it stays between us. We just don't trust other people's ability to be tolerant. I agree with Karren on this totally. I've seen some very open-minded friends go insane at the idea of a MTF crossdresser or a female impersonator. OMG it was just amazing in a completely terrible way.

You have a marvelous wife Suchacutie, but you already know that, don't you?

It appears that you were unaware of Tina for quite a few years but when she was discovered, you told your wonderful wife and together you embraced her. That's an unusual though very happy story to read. <big grin> I like to read those stories and wish there were more.

While you two were fascinated with Tina, you chose to keep her existence between you. That's pretty normal, isn't it? A lot of folks keep their personal husband-wife relations private. As long as Tina stays at home I see no difference between that and any other personal business.

But what I want to bring up here is a theoretical: [...] how would I go about bringing this up to a new "friend"? [...] That person is then in control of that privacy that you've shared with them. [...] lack of control you have over your life as soon as you allow your transgenderism to become public. [...] It's that lack of trust of other people and the lack of control that really says it all for me.

I've got to agree with you, as do a lot of others. Once a disclosure is made, even to a spouse, the risk of it becoming common knowledge increases. When the disclosure is made to someone with nothing to loose by repeating it, the risk becomes orders of magnitude higher. Remember, though, the context of the thread is a spouse/SO/girlfriend. In that context, you believe the spouse should know, and in your case, it turned out very very well.

Best wishes
MsVal

I think it has been touched on in here but my own personal reason for secrecy is primarily my daughter. I know she faces enough forms of bullying as it is and I know the community she lives in. If anyone knew her dad was a "part-time second mom" she would face far worse. I saw it happen in the same community when the dad of a female friend of mine came out of the closet and my daughter is now in school with the children of the people who made my friend's life hell.

As fathers, we have a duty, a responsibility to protect our children from harm. You see a clear and present danger to your daughter and therefore are very careful to keep your crossdressing a secret. In my opinion, any crossdressing parent that would fail to do so, and subject his child to bullying would be extremely self centered and uncaring.

As for coming out to an SO, I don't have one [...] if I were to become deeply involved with a female it would have to be someone who knew and accepted my fem side since I don't think I want to go back in to full repression ever again.

If you were to find someone with whom you wished to share your life, I suppose that you would be in the "early disclosure" camp.

As for other possible reasons for secrecy I think for a lot of people it is that they don't want to shake their lives up too much. [...] We become too comfortable with the way things are and the shake up that would be caused by coming out is something we don't look forward too even if it may allow us to pursue our desires.[...]

That's one very common and very odd part of human nature, isn't it? We would rather put up with <fill in the blank> than face the uncertainty of change. I make a conscious effort to embrace change, but for all the effort, the changes are small and slow.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Julie Martin]

I keep it a secret because it is a personal thing, an occasional thing (for me) and I have no wish for others to know and no need for others to accept it. I also have no desire to risk a wonderful marriage. Any stress or anxiety is also occasional, and is mine alone..I would never wish it on my spouse, she didn't sign on for this. If I was one that needed a daily dose of Julie, it might be more difficult, and I understand the turmoil for those that do, but for me, this is an easy one.

[JeanVigo1905]

Fear. But of what, I'm not sure. I'll sometimes wear a little light make-up out, and sheer stockings under my jeans. I want to be bold, but I haven't yet found the strength inside of me to go further.

[Tina_gm]

GM, have you thought about just telling her but no one else? I am in exactly the same position with teenagers, family, friends, job etc, but after years of holding back I finally did tell her recently. It was tough and is not over, but she is still my best friend in the world and I could not deceive her any longer. So far, though it is not settled yet, she is coming to understand and forgive. She still loves me and is growing to accept it. I don't know your situation, and I do not mean to preach or judge... I would never. Just asking with much empathy, honey. Sometimes, the love we fear losing is greater than we give it credit for...sometimes. Whatever, I understand and support your decision. Only you walk in your heels, baby.
Hugs

I did tell her a little over a year ago. And other than two therapists, one a gender therapist and another for other issues, but also with the CD stuff thrown in, plus she did confide to a distant friend. Other than that, no, I have not told anyone else, and it is likely to stay that way for quite some time. I live in a small rural-ish community and it would not go over well with others. I have made my bed in life, by not accepting myself till almost 50. I have responsibilities to others, including my wife whom I did not initially tell. My wife accepts that I am a mix of masculine and feminine, but chooses to only "see" the masculine side, as far as clothing goes. She does see some of my feminine side, as when we are alone I just let myself be myself. Sometimes she even chides me about it, is ok with it, sometimes she just tries to ignore it.

[Tina_gm]

Thank you for those very good points Gendermutt. Your wife is aware and that troubles her a great deal. To disclose to others could unfairly increase her burden. You also mention that your responsibility to provide financial and other security for your family would be compromised through a general disclosure. For those that consider such things a necessary part of being a husband and father, that is a very big issue indeed.

Best wishes
MsVal

You are welcome for this and the other posts I made that you commented on. When it comes to my work, because of where I work, a disclosure that I am a CDer in of itself would not cause termination. But, it would likely make things very difficult and awkward for me. A disclosure to friends or family would likely be very devastating to her and my kids. Not all would have difficulties but I know some would. Some would alienate , others would likely do all they could to get her to leave me. My kids would be put into distress from bullying and picking. Life is what it is, and I have responsibilities. My life is better than it used to be. I can live with that. Great topic BTW.

[FemPossible]

Fear of being rejected by my family and fear of bigots.

[MsVal]

I keep it a secret because it is a personal thing, an occasional thing [...] no desire to risk a wonderful marriage. Any stress or anxiety is also occasional, and is mine alone..I would never wish it on my spouse, she didn't sign on for this. If I was one that needed a daily dose of Julie, it might be more difficult, and I understand the turmoil for those that do, but for me, this is an easy one.

With regard to disclosure, you're in a pretty good position, Julie. It seems that your escapes into femininity are few, they are of little personal significance, and you are able to manage the desires very well. Therefore, you see no reason to risk disclosure to your wife. That seems to be a very popular way of handling one's crossdressing.

Yes, there appear to be many that have a much greater need to dress. Some of them have a need to even go beyond the security of home. In their circumstance, due to the extent and frequency of dressing, the risk of discovery is great enough that the risk of disclosure may actually be lower.

While your frequency and significance may be low, that certainly will not be apparent to someone that makes an accidental discovery. I am sure you take precautions to limit that risk, and I do hope that works out well for you.

Best wishes
MsVal

Fear. But of what, I'm not sure. I'll sometimes wear a little light make-up out, and sheer stockings under my jeans. I want to be bold, but I haven't yet found the strength inside of me to go further.

This is a bit off-topic, Jean, but that's okay, you are among friends.
The fear is ... well ... quite normal, and is what saves us all from acting on the first thing that comes into our head. I would be in a lot of trouble if it were not for my own fear of the unknown. Boldness will grow as comfort with the current status grows. If your desire is to overcome your fear of the unknown and be more bold, those will come with time.

Best wishes
MsVal

[...] where I work, a disclosure that I am a CDer in of itself would not cause termination. But, it would likely make things very difficult and awkward for me. A disclosure to friends or family would likely be very devastating to her and my kids. [...] Some would alienate , others would likely do all they could to get her to leave me. My kids would be put into distress from bullying and picking. Life is what it is, and I have responsibilities. My life is better than it used to be. I can live with that. Great topic BTW.

I don't recall the circumstance behind it, Gendermutt, but it appears that your wife is aware. (fault my sieve-like memory).

The effects of a general disclosure on the rest of the family cannot be overstated. They are real and can be very hurtful, even physically harmful. The unlikely loss of employment, or the more likely loss of advancement opportunities harm them as well. These MUST be carefully considered by every husband, father, SO, or boyfriend that is not completely given to narcissism.

(Thank you very much for the compliment. It means a lot to me.)

Best wishes
MsVal

Fear of being rejected by my family and fear of bigots.

The approval of, or lacking that, the acceptance of others is a very natural and very powerful motivator. It shapes nearly everything we do, from our kindergarten paintings to our choice of careers; from the house we live in to the clothing we wear.

With the fear of rejection being your primary motivation, you may be carrying a great burden of anxiety. If that is the case, I am quite sorry for you. I do hope that I am mistaken.

Best wishes
MsVal

[samantha rogers]

Gendermutt...sorry, I had misunderstood your earlier comments and did not realize my mistake until after posting. Your situation is very similar to mine and I empathize totally. Sorry for the error.

[DanielleLee]

I believe you answered your own question in the OP... "Only you know your specific situation and it would be most foolish for someone else, particularly me to claim a higher ground"

What goes said or unsaid about this topic between two people, a CDr and their SO, is between them. It's not a topic of debate for the rest of us to judge or say you're wrong for doing "a" or "b".

Anyone here can stand their moral high ground about lies by omission, but until any of us has lived the life of another... we don't know the challenges and repercussions that would follow by their coming out to an SO.

For transparency sake... I told my wife before marriage that I really enjoyed being feminine at times. I've never disclosed the full story... age started and all that. I underdress often, dress rarely. (2012 was the last time actually) My wife and I have a DADT policy. She does not accept and does not like it.