Co-worker wearing strings

[Julia Red]

Yep, some guys saw a co-worker of mine wearing strings.

I work on a TI office where most of employees are men. No one knows of my CDing.

There is this new employee who's working with us for less than a month. He surely is a bit "different" from the others. He has some poor fashion choices (on my opinion) and is slightly affeminated. I didn't like him since the day he started, not because of his clothes or his orientation, but because he behaves like a 7 years old hyperactive boy.

Anyway... some co-workers told me today with a "whoa-man-you-have-to-hear-that" face that this same guy was wearing black strings. I tried to make a surprised face (wasn't really surprised) and asked them "and how do you know that?". They answered "we just saw it! He was leaning on his chair and instead of showing just his butt crack, he was showing black strings under his pants!".

I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to be hypocrite and say something like "what a fag!" (that was probably what they were expecting), so instead I remained in silence. As I was thinking about what I should say, some other guy got in the conversation, they started laughing and talking and then went back to their places.

I felt really bad for him, even though I don't like the guy I don't want to see him being discriminated like that. I feel like I should do something about it. But I don't want to get outed in the process, of course.

There's one guy who is "leading" the pack of bullies, I'm thinking about talking some sense into him. I don't hate the guy but I hate his "macho" attitude, and I can tell he really likes me as he always go out of his way to talk to me even though I don't do the same to him.

Next time he comes talk to me about it (I'm sure he will), I will say to him that I don't think it's cool to hate on people like that, whether he is gay, bi, or straight. We shouldn't care about it and should not discriminate him, and that I'm not fine with this kind of thing. Fortunately, I have other colleagues that think the same, and could probably back me up on this, so I will not be the only one.

[KayleeAnn]

I definitely think you should talk to the lead bully. Maybe not going out of your way but if he gives you the opportunity to then yes, tell him off in a way. Even if you don't like the guy who is being bullied, or how ever you feel for him, if he does dress or what ever, no one should ever be picked on. Just my humble opinion

<3

[BillieAnneJean]

If you want to keep your opinions to yourself, just advise them that it is against Federal law to harass a coworker. That the company could be sued. That they would all lose their jobs. Say it with your deepest male voice like this: "Hey dude, ja know dat treating dat guy any different dan you treat teach oder could be taken das dcrimination and dat ist gainst da law?" Maybe they will understand that. But speak VERY slowly.

[GeminaRenee]

Perhaps not in Brazil.

[Julia Red]

I'm sure we have laws against harassment at work in Brazil, but no one spoke a word about this subject to the guy yet, and I don't think they'll be dumb enough to do it. So, they'll just talk and laugh behind his back. I don't know what he could do about it.

Of course it can backfire to them, If any word of this gets to him. Even if I don't get to have any impact on the others, I want to make sure that I will not be included in the group of bullies if something like that ever happen.

But that ocurred just today, so I'll be watching to see how this will go in the future.

[ReineD]

I shudder whenever I read stories like this. They just go to show how people react behind our backs. Doesn't matter if it's strings or full on dressing to people like this, IMO. I bet these guys would never tell the string-guy how they feel to his face, would they.

I also think you should say something. At least you'll sleep better. But honestly I don't think that anything you might say will fundamentally change their opinions. They are too deeply ingrained.

[Kate T]

There is this new employee who's working with us for less than a month. He surely is a bit "different" from the others. He has some poor fashion choices (on my opinion) and is slightly affeminated. I didn't like him since the day he started, not because of his clothes or his orientation, but because he behaves like a 7 years old hyperactive boy.

Remove the plank from your own eye before removing the splinter from anothers.

"He has poor fashion choices and is slightly affeminated (sic)." PLEASE. You are posting on a site of support for cross dressers! That is the pot calling the kettle black in the extreme. So he behaves like a 7 yr old hyperactive boy. Maybe he has an extremely conservative family and his hyperactivity is a way of rebelling. Maybe that family are in denial (and maybe he is) about possibly having a non conventional gender and sexual attraction and he is trying to work it out. Or maybe he gets very little attention at home and thus he seeks attention and approval outside of home. He might have very poor self esteem and be looking for approval from anyone. Whatever the reason who are you to judge? And from "the day he started"!

Yeah, you do need to back him up, because if you don't you are no better than the hypocritical workmates who are bullying him to start with.

[Danielle11]

^ Yes, What Adina said! You cant beggar for your own rights when you leave others to suffer.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Okay, you may find he has issues just like myself in different ways i was bullyed at school ,i'v been around people who are lets just say have hormonal issues or ADHD /ADD disorder or some other detail. and some times it comes out in maybe unexpected ways , so a little understanding could go a long way,

...noeleena...

[Anna H]

I'd tell the guy with the string...(is that a thong?).

If he keeps wearing it and getting noticed...it'll only get
worse??

If he doesn't wear it again, maybe it'll all blow over soon
enough.

[Marcelle]

Hi Julia,

If you think talking to the ring leader will help then do so. However, be cognizant that if he (the ring leader) feels that way and you stick up for the "guy with the strings", he may turn his attention to you. If you are fine with that then I would definitely point out the errors of "ring lead guy" way. At the very least I would tactfully take "guy with strings aside" and let him know. It is quite possible he is an "under dresser" and may not be aware of the strings showing or perhaps he doesn't really care what others think. In either case you at least owe to him to let him know.

Hugs

Isha

[susan jackson]

Men wear strings/thongs as well as women

I think they are called 'posing pouches'

[Julia Red]

Well, I guess then the best thing to do is to talk to both guys, the bully and the new one. I hope that makes me feel better, and I hope he is the type of person who just doesn't care when I say that other people saw what he was wearing.

Remove the plank from your own eye before removing the splinter from anothers.

"He has poor fashion choices and is slightly affeminated (sic)." PLEASE. You are posting on a site of support for cross dressers! That is the pot calling the kettle black in the extreme. So he behaves like a 7 yr old hyperactive boy. Maybe he has an extremely conservative family and his hyperactivity is a way of rebelling. Maybe that family are in denial (and maybe he is) about possibly having a non conventional gender and sexual attraction and he is trying to work it out. Or maybe he gets very little attention at home and thus he seeks attention and approval outside of home. He might have very poor self esteem and be looking for approval from anyone. Whatever the reason who are you to judge? And from "the day he started"!

Yeah, you do need to back him up, because if you don't you are no better than the hypocritical workmates who are bullying him to start with.

Adina, first, I'm sorry if I offended someone. I was just describing him, no prejudice intented. I could as well have said "He has poor fashion choices, is slightly effeminated and is my best friend". Where's the prejudice on that? If I said "I love to be very effeminated when I dress", would I be offending myself? Even if I love to do that? Is "effeminated" a bad word for itself? I think the person who is taking this to the negative side is you, not me. As I said before, this is NOT the reason I didn't like him. Don't mix the two things. As for his fashion choices, I'm guilty, but as I said on another topic, I try hard to police myself on that. Maybe I should have left descriptions aside, but then again, I meant absolutely no harm.

With that said, I think his behaviour is totally unacceptable for a workplace. The guy was screaming, singing and putting nicknames on people he barely knew! We work at an office full of programmers and artists, people who need to be concentrated to do their tasks. And I don't think a guy acting like he is drunk on a party can contribute much to us. What if he has personal problems? Do you think I don't? That I have nothing at stake? Do you know what I've been through? That's NOT an excuse to behave badly at work. I worry about the future of a company I've been working for the last 9 years, so yes, I will judge every new guy they bring here. And if he proves to be a good worker at the end, I will respect him as much as anyone.

We have a gay guy working with us. I have yet to hear A WORD about him. Since the beggining he's working hard and contributing. People don't pick on him. The guy with the string could as well be respected in the future, but he needs to change his ways ASAP. I will try to include that on my conversation with him.

[scarlett]

Julia, I apologize for the behavior of others on this forum. This is a strange place. We have members born and raised in the US, English allegedly their native tongue, whose posts are so painful to read that many of us do not try. When they have been requested to use punctuation and capitalization moderators have threatened us. I'm sorry that it seems OK to pick on one from another continent and another language for minor details.

[Julia Red]

Scarlett, thank you for the kind words, but you don't need to apologize for anyone here. I would never hold anything against a wonderful group of people like I've found here because of the behavior of a few people. I'm here to stay.

But I don't think Adina was picking on me about my english, but about my attitude, which she disapproves. We're talking in private now.

[Eryn]

A good response to gossip like this is to say "What's wrong with that?" If they try to justify their bigotry, the next step is "Does his choice of underwear make you feel insecure about yourself?" Let them chew on that one for a while!

[Princess Grandpa]

I hope you'll update us how this progresses.

Hug
Rita

[BrittanyI]

Reading this made me think of a quote I heard before, "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." If we as a community don't stand up for each other no matter the situation then who will? I work with the public and if I ever heard a coworker talking about a customer or anyone really like that I would have said something. What does it matter to them what choice of underwear someone else is wearing. Like some others have said I'd talk to the guy who is wearing the gsting or thong and let him know that he might want to keep his pants pulled up.

[Beverley Sims]

I applaud the idea but use a softly softly approach so as you have room to maneuver in the conversation.

Your friend might be a slow learner.

When you see the other guy just remind him to keep his pants up as others are talking about him wearing a thong or similar underwear.
Just indicate that you don't care about what he wears but others do.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Julia, This sounds like something for the HR Dept.

[Ume123]

So u have saggers in Brazil as well?

[donnalee]

You may be dealing with someone who is a little autistic (Aspergers or close). It seems that a lot of people here (including me) have this issue as well and can unknowingly offend people with body language or other unintentional behavior. A great many also have very high intelligence and are able to use logic far beyond the abilities of their coworkers, which can cause them to think something amiss "This weird guy can solve problems I can't; something is really wrong here! I will shun and bad mouth him/her!". This can also apply to supervisors. Don't be one.

[Ressie]

Either the string guy doesn't care if coworkers see his undies or maybe he wants them to. The only other possibility would be that he has no idea that when bending over the strings will be exposed. That would be really dumb!

Couldn't it be that he's looking for attention from men?

[Julia Red]

Princess Grandpa: I'll update you all on the situation. I want to talk to both guys tomorrow.

Beverley Sims: my colleague is a classic homophobe. I don't think he wants to learn anything and I don't think I'll change his mind about it but I want him to at least stop hating at the office and to keep his opinion to himself.

Blue Orchid: I thought about contacting the HR Dept, but I will first talk to the guys. If there's a bad reaction or if the situation gets worse, I might as well bring this issue to the HR. I hope I don't need to do that.

[devida]

Good for you Julia for paying attention to this problem and trying to deal with it. It is obviously quite complicated since the person seems to be his own worst enemy in terms of his (or her! or their!) behavior. This is a real life problem that cannot be dealt with by stereotyped judgements but requires the type of sensitivity and compassion that you are obviously displaying. Brazil is, in some ways, far ahead of the USA in the acceptance of gender non conforming people, at least culturally. I don't really know about transgender status legally in Brazil but I do know that at least at Carnivale transgender people are celebrated. Please let us know what happens.