Steffi - I think it's very honest and open of you to try to say what you have said here and with examples from your own relationship... It has to be hard to talk about that however anonymous we may be here...
I get what you're trying to communicate here... that in some relationships that are less than perfect (my guess the majority are of that nature) trust, and the withholding of intimate details (whether they who were withholding thought it was irrelevant or not) can be from both parties. And I think you're right about this however unpalatable that may appear to some.
Of course, our big issue is that CDers are withholding something that is so dreadfully stigmatised by 'normal' society, that in revealing this part of us we risk the loss of relationships with relatives and friends, work colleagues and possibly a career impact... and therein lies the significant difference between a benign disclosure, and a socially catastrophic one... So it's difficult to find these disclosures being held equally...
I also understand the point you have tried to make about your wife's illness (and you both have my sympathy for that) - I can imagine some of the sacrifices that you have had to make during those 34 years and I can respect your commitment, honour and love for someone in being with them for that length of time and through that awfully unpredictable illness. I can see that you would have to have shown a lot of selflessness over that period, rather than the opposite. You wouldn't have anticipated the constraints on your life and lifestyle that a major illness would cause when you were first married - nor does anyone really plan for the worst... and until you've had to face that type of impact in life you really can't appreciate what it's like to live with loss in that way...
I can see that there is a counterpoint - but it will seem morally incorrect to a lot of folk however much their own relationships have also encompassed the same type of misdirections and partial truths, possibly some yet undisclosed... Everyone's situation is different, and everyone has a right to face those situations and choices in the way that they feel comfortable with...
A husband is unlikely to want to divorce his wife because she admits after marriage it's impossible for her to achieve an orgasm 'normally' (and not unlike about a third of all females, I believe) - but the same is not true of the wife's perspective of a husband in a dress, wig and makeup, is it?
And before the holier-than-thou crowd gets into full voice, remember this is a forum that CDers come to for support, and the vast majority of them do that in complete anonymity and secrecy... and there's a powerful reason for that, however shrouded in lies it may seem to some.
Katey x
