It has happened. My wife and I had the talk...

[sammiecd]

Thank you Jennifer. I honestly didn't even seriously consider telling her until I read your post in your signature. It wasn't that I thought I couldn't trust my wife, it was more of a absolute mortification of how my wife would think of me.

But anyway, i just wanted you to know that your post really helped convince me to come out with it sooner rather than later, and I am very happy I did. It's been interesting so far. :D


Jamey,

Thank you for your insight. So far, my wife has never seen me dressed. We've talked a lot since the other night. She asked about the clothes that I've worn, and if I had a wig, and where my stuff was. She asked if I had my own makeup (I do, but it's not much). She laughed and was playfully mad with me and said "you're better at makeup than I am, aren't you??" That was part of the initial discussion and it provided a good comical relief. (the answer: not by a longshot, and I told her so).

She was very weirded out, though. that's for sure. and she admitted that she currently couldn't see herself wanting to be involved in anything like that (teaching me how to do makeup or things like that), but she didn't say never. I just think she wants time to reaffirm that I'm still who I've been to her. If nothing else, telling her has made us so much closer. She knows something about me so very personal and secret that I've never really shared with anyone (present company excluded, obviously).

It always reminds me of that scene in the park from good will hunting where robin williams is talking about love and he says

And if I asked you about love I'd get a sonnet, but you've never looked at a woman and been truly vulnerable.

.

That always made me feel guilty that I didn't have that with my wife. Now I do.

[Paula_Femme]

I just think she wants time to reaffirm that I'm still who I've been to her. If nothing else, telling her has made us so much closer. She knows something about me so very personal and secret that I've never really shared with anyone...

Congratulations Sammie, you've taken the biggest step that any of us in your situation can, and it seems to be going well... congratulations to you BOTH!!!

The, hopefully, honesty and openness going forward will be a BIG plus, I sure you'll both benefit from it, and I think you've hit the nail on the head with your point above... she needs to be sure that you're the same person she fell in love with and married, no matter to what extent you "dress."

Keep reassuring her that you love her, nothing has changed, apart from the fact that you may now love her even MORE because she's taking her time and processing the situation instead of just running screaming for the hills!

Give her all the time and space she needs, as others have repeatedly said, don't rush, take things slowly, and as long as you can keep the communication open and honest, and go at HER pace, you'll hopefully have a loving and committed relationship.

Congratulations to you both again!
Paula

[MatildaJ.]

she admitted that she currently couldn't see herself wanting to be involved in anything like that (teaching me how to do makeup or things like that), but she didn't say never.

A lot of CDers seem to think that the end result of telling a spouse about their CDing is then getting a girlfriend to do makeup and manicures with. To them, that is what acceptance looks like.

But for most SOs, playing with makeup and manicures is something teens go through. We might play along for a couple of months, or a few times a year, but basically, very few adult women are going to want to have these girly girl sessions that CDers seem to imagine from seeing teen movies. Try to think of a movie about women your wife's age acting the way you picture GGs acting together.

Sometimes I think CDers need to have this fantasy of what acceptance looks like (manicures! help with my hair!) in order to get over the hard task of revealing their secret to their SO. So maybe the fantasy serves a purpose. But I hope that soon after the secret is revealed, the CDer can accept that his wife is not going to turn into a teenage girl and enjoy teaching him to put on makeup.

[sammiecd]

I appreciate your insight Jess. It is tough sometimes to parse out what my hopes for our relationship in the future will look like v.s. what actually will happen. I've not mentioned any specifics to her about what I would like to share with her regarding my cd. It's still quite early to tell what the end result will be, but I've already told her multiple times that I am not going to pressure her into anything. I told her because I did not want to keep it from her any longer, not because I expect her to have anything to do with it. She understands that it means a lot to me, though she doesn't understand it herself, and that I would like to share that part of myself with her, but I've made her aware that whatever her involvement will be, it will be completely on her terms.

I've tried to explain to her that the main reason I want to share in this with her is because I love her and find her opinions and discernment to be of great value.

I'm honestly not sure how things will turn out, but I know that in the end she'll love me, and that I'll love her. That's enough. Anything else would be icing on the cake.