Getting a supportive wife

[Sometimes Steffi]

My wife and I are in a DADT relationship. She knows I crossdress, and I go out with CD/TS friends a couple times a month. But all she wants to know is when I am leaving and when am I coming home, not even where are you going and who will you be with. We hardly ever talk about anything else.

She doesn't want to see me dressed. She says she is a very visual person, and will never be able to get the vision of me dressed out of her mind.

And yes, you can't change her mind. That's my personal experience, and the assessment of both therapists that I've seen.

Also, some here used the word "Acceptance" for DADT; I would use the word "Tolerate".

[Henriette7]

Hi all

Many many thanks for all the fine reply's I got. I think I came to the conclusion that I will wait for a while before doing anything. I can see from all the answers that this takes a lot of time. Maybe some day, it will go in the right direction and until then I will try to "Do all the right things". Some of you mention that my wife already is supportive, but that was not how I saw things, but still it takes times for her to get used to it. Teresa, no my wife don't know about my website and I have no plan on showing it to her either. At least not before she askes :-).

Thanks again to you all.
Warn regards
Henriette

[Kate T]

Henriette

You can't "MAKE" your wife supportive or involved. Everyone else has said that, it must be her choice. Also it is not all a bed of roses on the supportive side of the fence, especially for a GG. She is constantly wondering "does he want to go out to this event dressed" or "is he expecting to get dressed up this weekend" and worrying that if she asks you not to that she is going to hurt your feelings. Don't get me wrong, an accepting wife is a godsend and in my opinion far better than DADT for both partners however there are still issues to overcome.

What you CAN do is help her to learn more about CD'ing. Offer (don't push) links to good websites, I'm not sure about Denmark but certainly the UK has some great websites from support groups including the Beaumont society. If you can find some examples of gender nonconforming individuals that you respect and you think she might respect then you can find information about those individuals. It will be easier I suspect for your wife to accept and even admire gender nonconformity as a form of self expression in other individuals first. There are a few out there but certainly some names that come to mind readily are Chaz Bono, Eddie Izzard, in the US Janet Mock, Jane Anders, Betty Crow, James Franco, Patricia Arquette, Conchita Wurst (Eurovision song winner), in Australia Major Kate McGregor (speech writer for the head of the Australian Army). These people are interesting not because they are TG but because they are interesting people with a story who ALSO happen to be TG.

Good luck and be patient

[Carolina]

Although it may sound a bit redundant, I can share my experience.
I believe in accepting what you can get from your wife. Mine married a man and is not pleased with my CDing. However with time, respect and assurances she allows my CDing in a DADT relationship. She now buys me skirts and dresses for my bdays since she knows that's what I like the most, but she'd rather not see me dressed. Would I like if she went further and share my dressing? Sure, but I can't push her. As many others said, it is a shock for her. Accepting a DADT relathionship is a big step. If she wishes to go further with time, in my view, it would be her prerogative. In the meantime enjoy her initial acceptance!

[Beverley Sims]

Have patience, do not push the issue and by keeping it out of sight and only mentioning it occasionally she is likely to get curious.

I am talking twelve months or more here.

[kelly0]

Just reading this string. The themes are consistent and, in my opinion, correct.

I am also relatively new to this forum and was married for 13 years last Sept when my wife "found out" out my CD'ing. We're coming up on a year now with her knowing and we are still very happily married and probably closer than ever. I wouldnt say its DADT, we talk about it a lot (and i think thats the key --- communication). But she does not see me dressed at all or even see my femme clothes.

So, like the others, I would def. say take it slow. You will want to accelerate I bet, but you need to temper those feelings with her. If she is going to be more accepting of this, has to be on her own time.

good luck and keep us posted
- kelly

[Windsong]

I do agree with being patient and its so important to me...I still feel like I am being pressured to be more accepting and a part of my partners CD all the time. Each time there is another step forward for him is another cringe moment for me (to put it bluntly). The last one this week was shaving his legs and I much prefer the feel of his natural soft hair instead of the rough course bristles that shaving has brought. We have started perusing websites selling clothing together (I have had training with "Beauty for all Seasons" in color coordination and dressing for body type and personality etc so offered my comments...it was fun). Yesterday one of these parcels arrived. In the past I have respected his privacy and left all mail and parcels addressed for my partner to open. This time we discussed it and he said for me to go and see it unwrapped.... it was still wrapped in a clear bag so I opened it and inspected it with him watching me do so...it was nice dress. I feel that this was a step forward for him and not sure about me...I love him dearly but am not comfortable about seeing him dressed. I do ask him a lot of questions thanks to the import of everyone here on this site. I am trying to understand and accept this part of him even though I do not 'like' it.