My mother said on numerous occasions that I was "suppose to be a girl." Like I had control over my dad's sperm? I did not know about sperm or procreation at the time. When I was very very young, maybe five, those comments really hurt. One day I donned my mom's nylon floor length nightgown and cried on her bed that she did not love me because I was not a girl. The nightgown obvious swam on me. She cuddled me and told me that she loved me. After that she no longer said anything about me not filling out her idea of her perfect family; mom, dad, older brother and younger sister. Putting on that nightgown- did that become thereason behind my cross dressing later? Later on I started wearing my mother's full slips that she hanged to dry in the only bathroom in our apartment. I really enjoyed the feel of the fabric.

Throughout my cross dressing angst I have wondered if cross dressing was my attempt to gain my mother's favor. On a subconscious level?? She passed on this year and I have found less desire to be en femme. Was it because she cannot be approached any longer... at least in this world.. and thus i no longer need to be her little girl? I guess a shrink would have a field day analyzing me. Cross dressing also became a very nice self therapeutic manner to escape the effects serving in the infantry in Nam had on me. Little women hiding from the ultimate manly adventures?? My PTSD shrink would love to hear of my cross dressing as a therapy.

Yes, my mother was very overbearing. I think she no longer said I was suppose to be a girl. But, she had a good time whipping my ass and thighs with a leather belt. These days child protective services would remove me from the home. I truly believe she hated me. She even concocted lies that I hit her so my father would discipline me. It did not work. I suspect my father realized my mother was a little off in her head about me. My older brother could do no wrong. I could do no right! I rebelled in my own way. Heck, she even did not like my selection of a bride.

I loved being outside and getting dirty. I was all boy. I played all sports through college with friends and the guys. I served in the infantry- the ultimate of all manly things when my life was on the line. Nothing like killing those trying to kill you! I think my platoon leader would drop his jaw if he saw me in a dress.