So I've taken the chance to dress a few times and I have enjoyed the time I got. I'm between jobs right now so I have a little more free time to play with. I just keep thinking "who would you like to be today? J or Ashley?" "would you rather wear your favorite tennis shoes and leather jacket or heels and a dress?" Sometimes I pick one and quickly wish for the other. Sometimes dressing in femme or drab feel great sometimes they feel empty. When I'm Ashley I don't stop being J. when I'm J I don't stop being Ashley. J doesn't like being encumbered with long nails, hair that gets in the way and an itchy bra. Ashley hates plain looking clothes and how dirty my hands get when I work outside. J loves that he's just the right height so his wife's head fits under his chin when they hug and Ashley hates when she feels like a giant and how big her shoe size is. I have so much fun being one or the other but I can only be one OR the other at once. The things J loves depress Ashley and vice versa. Sometimes I wish I could split into two different people. J and Ashley separate. J will be happy in Jeans and t-shirts everyday and Ashley can wear cute clothes and be girly 24/7. Ashley won't ever have to be silent because at the moment she looks like a man and no one would understand if she said the things on her mind. J won't ever feel his patience tested because he's trying to let Ashley enjoy the little time she gets. Even my wife would be happy. J won't ever have to hear the argument about his legs being shaved and stand there feeling very male in the moment and even agreeing that there's no reason to bother shaving but, knowing somewhere behind a closed door in this conflicted head Ashley feels very attacked and betrayed because she needs to be smooth and feminine. J won't have to divide his spare cash between tools and make up. Ashley won't have to prioritize every second because her time is so scarce. Normally I love my own duality but, now it just feels like a weight on me.