I just posted in the Pictures forum about my first real outing as Camille. It all went well. I seemed to pass, or blend well anyway.
But I think there was a fair amount of pink fog involved. And now that it's clearing, I am feeling really embarrassed about the whole thing. Looking at the photos of myself, I don't see someone who most others glanced at and thought was just another girl out doing her thing. I see a guy in a dress who thought he was fooling a lot of people, but for whom really many folks were thinking "weirdo!". If I could truly fool people 90% of the time, then I'd keep going out. But if in reality most folks see me and know immediately that I'm really a guy, thinking he's blending in because of some makeup and a dress, then I'd rather just stay and dress inside from now on. I don't want to be the object of anyone's ridicule or joke later in the day to their wife/husband about some crossdresser they saw strutting about the store. I don't want to go en femme out and "just be me" and to hell with whomever knows I'm a guy. I want to pass, or at least reasonably blend. That is both the goal and the thrill of why I do it... to have others see and accept me as a woman. I'm not looking to make a statement about it being OK to wear women's clothes as a guy, or about showing the world that it's OK to go out cross-dressed. My goal is to be seen as a woman, even as a pretty one if possible. Otherwise I know deep down that folks know who and what I am, and that doesn't feel good to me. Even if folks don't judge me harshly, or perhaps think "good for him!", it still doesn't make me want to go out dressed. I'm not looking to win any awards for bravery or asserting my rights. If I truly can't blend, which I'm less convinced now that I did, then I think I might limit myself to indoor dressing from now on, or at most CD sponsored events where I won't be judged. I still enjoy looking at myself and feeling pretty, and "passing" in my own eyes. But I don't like the feeling of knowing I don't in the eyes of so many others.
Anyone else ever feel this way, especially after an outing? Perhaps this is all normal processing of an event that was packed with meaning and stimulation, and which I'm only now unpacking...
Thanks,
Camille