Sara,
First I will reiterate what's been said before; take steps to prevent outing yourself before you are fully ready. You are not, you do not even understand who you are at this moment. How can you possibly answer your wife's inevitable questions about what this is or where it will go if YOU do not know?
Now for the core of my message to you. I know you are adverse to seeking out a therapist or psychologist, but it is by far the safest, most rational way to figure "you" out. It will give you perspective, an outlet, someone to tell and confide in. You need all of that right now. But you also need the weight that is behind the advice of a qualified professional. And you do need their advice. You need help in bringing this aspect of your life into balance.
But you also need understanding on your part. You need to understand and accept this won't go away. It is not a mental or physical illness. It's just rooted deep inside you. It's part of who you are. And it's not a bad thing. Often, the things we do with it are bad. Sort of like setting ourselves up for disaster by leaving things where an unsuspecting spouse may find them. We understand were that comes from; desperation. You lack the words to tell her. So you hope to reveal it by accident. Would you want to discover something very surprising about your wife by accident?
If you seek out a psychologist, and I sincerely hope you do; simply tell your wife you aren't dealing with stress from work very well. Which is true. I know you don't want to lie to her. Nobody should want to. But first and foremost you have to protect your family; in this case it is simply from what you do not understand about yourself. And once understanding and self acceptance is fulfilled, then, with the help and guidance of your psychologist, you may find a safer more rational way to reveal to your wife. Because if she finds those panties, could with this new desire to take care of grooming, her first instinct will be it's an affair. But ease take steps to protect you and your family.
One last bit of advice; it's about perspective. Deep in your mind, you view your dressing as a secret. Maybe to you it's a deep dark secret, but it is a secret nonetheless. Unfortunately, secrets often come with negative connotations. We then fall into a mental trap of sorts for simply how we view what we do internally. So try to view your dressing as a positive private matter. A private matter that is only revealed to those worthy enough to know and understand, when the time is right.
Like I said earlier to another girl; if you keep bumping around in that pink fog, you are gonna do more than stub your toe.
Ever & Always,
Caden Lane
