Hi Erica!
Like a lot of the others here, I can say "that sounds just like me". My kids were a little older when I was at 37, but otherwise your story sounds almost as if I could have written it.
this is a thread you should check out, there is also a corollary thread of people who have decided not to tell, but as mentioned, there are few responses. I think that's probably because nobody likes to brag about their misery on the internet, y'know? ... not necessarily because literally everyone tells, I don't think that's the case.
Whatever you do, don't let a bunch of random well-intentioned trannies on the internet like us make you feel pressured to do something you're not ready for. The decision to tell is really huge, and the impact of doing so will change your life forever (hopefully in a good way, but it can and does backfire in the worst possible way -- you just don't read about it on here very often).
How ever it plays out for you, I hope you manage to achieve a level of self acceptance, and are able to chuck that self hate and guilt overboard for good ! Things get a lot better once you're able to move in that direction :-)
