Do we all want our SOs to know?

[Katey888]

would anyone not want their SO to know IF they knew the reception would be positive and encouraging?

Would anyone be foolish enough to want their SO to know IF they knew the reception would be negative and catastrophic?

This question ends up at something of a binary again although there are probably a handful of common outcomes, the most common of which represented on this forum is the tolerant or supportive SO... This does tend to make others here, like many closeted folk that have responded, eager to replicate the good fortune that others have had fall into their grasp... They're like the lottery winners whose interviews and joyous lives are shown just before the live lottery draw... the lucky ones we want to emulate...

Sure - but for other circumstances - I have also fantasised about the possibility of being out, but I'm also enough of a realist to know that the nature and personality of my wife would likely not be positive... That she may not have the imagination or personal values to be accepting does not make her a bad person; just a fairly closed personality with a simple approach to her world view. Many of us seem to face the future knowing the implications and are prepared to deal with them should they arise. I am curious as to the apparent myopia of many who believe (in much the same way that they appear to think every city worldwide is similar to theirs; or that all GGs dress the same way globally as in their neighbourhood; or indeed that national cultures and values are completely homogenised...) that every woman would or should respond the same way if a universally accepted message of CD/TG-ness is delivered in a standard form. Actually, I know it's just people and their own lack of acceptance... acceptance that we are all individuals with ownership of our own values and choices.

I liked SaraSmiles assessment of trade-offs... to me, many of them are compelling arguments and I share Sara's position as to controlling this rather than having to give in to it. And I have shared her feelings regarding the forum too... I always find a quick trip back to crossdresserswives.com is enough to bring me back to my senses and remind me of how my wife would probably respond...

Katey x

[pamela7]

I always find a quick trip back to crossdresserswives.com is enough to bring me back to my senses and remind me of how my wife would probably respond...

Katey x

Oh yes, that's a toxic place for us. It's so much easier to recommend someone else do something, but only they know their circumstances. I'd say "trust your intuition", if i gave advice, with the caveat that some intuition is wired wrong.

Is "eek" the sound of a mouse seeing a cat?

[Angie G]

My wife and I married in 1968 And has only known from 2006. I did want her to know and now she does and it worked out really well
for me.
Angie

[Victoria Demeanor]

For me this is not a choice. Good or bad I can not hide anything from my wife. We have been married 22 years now, it the second marriage for both of us and we have both been honest with each other.
So I only recently came to terms with cross dressing and have given into my urges. A lifetime of denial got released like a wild child and I went full boar into it. So I had to make this decision and this last Tuesday we had the talk and are trying to work this out. So my answer to the question is yes I want her to know, I need her to know and I wouldn’t feel right keeping this or anything from her. As far as her reaction and how things are going along I will update you all a little later in another post.

[janettexie]

My wife caught me a few years ago. She found my clothing. That was a struggle in our marriage but we came out of it fine. She is not a great fan and i promised i never should wear hers again.
Now i am afraid mention it again. I would love to do so but i think it doesn't work so i have to deal with that and with my inner feelings.
It is so well to read all these reactions it is supporting.

[jeank]

Some very interesting comments and observations here.

My main point was to those closeted folks among us, would we be comfortable dressing in our SOs presence?. I have thought a lot about it, and the feeling that I wouldn't be comfortable being Jean in her presence may well be a case of I couldn't be comfortable if I thought she wasn't, so maybe I've answered my own question .

It is not something pressing at the moment, and the decision not to reveal is going to definitely stay that way for now. Fortunately I do feel able to control the situation at the moment - I only dress when she's away and then I tend to binge for a week or so, and my clothes stash is not kept at home.

Yes I would like to be able to dress more often, but although telling her about it would potentially make life easier for me in one way, one of the things that really holds me back from bringing the subject up is the issue of "what's in it for her?" I can't think of a single positive that she gets from it, only potential negatives. The potential positive for me being open actually becomes somewhat selfish. I can rationalise keeping something secret from her if I think that sharing that secret would bring nothing good to her life.

[Suzie Petersen]

Jean: Have you been out among others as Jean? If so, how did that make you feel?
And if you havent, do you have similar concerns about if you would feel comfortable in that situation, or is it specifically being dressed around your wife you feel could be awkward?

I have been dressed and spent time with my wife on a number of occasions, including some times in the company of others as well. These were other CD/TS couples and the purpose of the get together were to meet and share CD/TS relationships issues, especially as it relates to the spouses. So what I am saying is that these situations had a high focus on the dressing topic itself and might not be representative of normal social interactions.
I have also spent a lot of time out among others, both in the company of other CD/TS folks and also just me in the regular world, without my wife around.

I would say that the times where my wife has been there as well have been different. I find it difficult to make the mental shift to girl mode when she sees me. Not entirely sure why, but it does make me feel a little uneasy.
We are all different of course, but for me there is a significant change of personality involved with the shift from male to female mode. It has to do with mannerisms, gestures, things I talk about and so on. I am not simply the guy in womans clothes, I become Suzie and she has a different and much more open personality.
To do this in front of my wife feels .. odd! And I know she feels that too. She has said several times that it would be easier for her to accept this, if I just changed clothes. She doesnt like the rest of the transformation.

I have never shared this part of me with anyone else I know in my male life, so I dont know if it would feel equally strange being around friends from "he" world in "she" mode, but I imagine it would be.

- Suzie

[tashaly]

Wow, this is a great thread! Thanks, Jean, for starting it. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels the same way as Sara put it so well. It's like she read my mind! For me, I don't see an upside in my SO knowing about Natasha.

[Beverley Sims]

To answer your question, I think we all want our SO's to know.
That being said there is no easy solution, widely differing views and the way we were raised makes for a minefield of problems.
A spouses sexuality plays a big part with those more outgoing and happy to experiment often gives more freedom.
If your spouse has had a reserved life it can be difficult and downright impossible sometimes to achieve satisfactory relationships.

[carrie2014]

Me dressing ,what is in it for her, well as she has said to me when I come home with makeup or new clothes and I tell her about my buying this item or that makeup she will say if buying these items makes you happy then it makes me happy knowing that you have found something that you like to do. there are things that other husbands do that can be bad for me or her or our marriage , Sorry to say that not all of us have such a great wife. so what is in it for her my happness in what I do.

[~Joanne~]

one of the things that really holds me back from bringing the subject up is the issue of "what's in it for her?"

Here is what My SO said is in it for her, keep in mind MY SO is not Your SO or anyone elses.

1. She now has a shopping buddy who will go shopping at any time SHE wants to go shopping.

2. She now has a partner that has no hang ups about being in the women's section for any given length of time.

3. She can now get honest feedback about the outfits she chooses to wear, where before it was "yeah looks good".

4. She now has a calmer, more relaxed, SO.

5. Her wardrobe has tripled.

6. Her makeup has tripled.

7. She now feels I am more easily approachable on things (which I didn't understand)

8. Now I do not blow up as easily as I use to. This was directly connected to my CDing. Like before I told her about this, if she had plans for a day, I made plans for the day to dress. If her plans got cancelled, I wasn't the nicest person the rest of the day.

and the list goes on and on..... She says there were a lot of positives that came out of this for her as there were for me.

As for the Closeted statement, telling your SO doesn't make you NOT closeted. I consider myself still in that closet as I do not leave the confines of these walls dressed that often, maybe twice a year, and she is the only one that knows.

[Angela Marie]

I told my wife when we first began dating. I did not want to enter into a serious long term relationship without her knowing something that is such an integral part of me. She was very understanding and we have a great marriage. She does not go out dressed with me (hopefully some day) but we talk about it and if she is out and sees something that she knows I would like she will buy it. All in all a very good situation.