I'm really disappointed right now. After much deliberation, I finally got my ears pierced today. I was thrilled, yet possessed much trepidation about what my wife would say. The clerk was very sweet. We even have the same names! We talked for a long time about crossdressing and how people view it, etc. I couldn't stop looking at myself in the rear view mirror on the way home.
Well, I ended up in the hospital due to chest pain. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of calling my wife to let her know. She was at work and I thought she was going to stay there. I was sitting in a small room with 8 other people waiting to see the doctor. In walks my wife, totally unexpected. She took one look at me and I remembered instantly that my ears were pierced.
She was NOT a happy camper. In front of everybody, she started berating me, albeit in a low voice. The others could still hear and see though. She went on and on about how inappropriate it was for a professional, how she was sick of me transitioning (I'm not, but have shaved my body for the last year, have bought a few androgynous sweaters, trimmed my eyebrows and wear women's pajamas, which SHE bought me), how I'm not the man she married, how it turns her off and if I keep it up I'm going to lose her. WOW!
I had no idea she would react so strongly and especially in front of all those people. I just wanted to crawl away. She demanded that I take them out immediately. I resisted for a while, trying to talk logically and assuring her I am not transitioning, but to no avail. The others tried not to look, but all conversation stopped as they were listening. Oh well, I'll never see them again anyway.
So, she took them out while the others watched; not humiliating at all.
I tried to explain that I have always been this way and will never change and that I like the way I am. I try to keep my stuff from her, don't ever talk about it and really appreciate the fact that she lets me wear panties and women's nylon and satin pajamas. But, if I want pierced ears, it should be my decision.
I can appreciate that I have been a disappointment to her, but it's so tough for me as well. I wish so much that I could share my other self to her and if she would open her mind that she would see that having a feminine side makes me who I am; a thoughtful, caring and understanding man that appreciates what women go through. I'm not a macho jerk and will never be one. That's one of the things that attracted her.
But, I understand as well that if she got a tattoo on her arm, wore her hair butch, threw out her makeup and started wearing men's flannel shirts I would not be happy. I'm not as flagrant as that, but you get the idea.
I am what I am and I would not give up crossdressing for anything. I have done it my entire life and am not about to change. I have tried the last year to integrate, very carefully, some changes that make me happy, feel more feminine yet not going too far. Why not, if it isn't flagrant?
Sorry, I just had to vent and am very disappointed that the woman I love see's me as a freak, which she has called me in the past. It seems so wrong to keep myself a secret. She thinks that crossdressing is a conscious decision and that I can just not do it. I have tried to explain that I will always go back to it and end up wearing her clothes if she forces me to shed mine.
Is crossdressing a curse? It seems so natural to me. It is who I am. I wore my sisters dresses when I was four. It is who I am. I can't change that.
I'm not looking for advice, I just wanted to vent. I know many of us are in DADT situations, many who are in worse circumstances than I.