I don't understand this. But maybe because I decided that I had to live my life and not let others direct it. If you are on HRT, you should be under the care of medical professionals. Taking hormones is not something you do as a stop gap measure. They do have side effects. So if you wish to be accepted as male...be a male who crossdresses on occasion (or full time if you wish). Seems you want both sides of the fence here. Why take drugs for something you don't believe you need drugs for?
In my case it wasn't like a light went on and the world became unicorns and rainbows when I started HRT. I honestly thought there was something wrong with me because I had heard so many times here that estrogen was the magic elixir that made the sun shine. Maybe it is for some but having talked to other TS's it was not the miracle in and of itself.maybe I am the odd one...maybe I already had the levels to start with?
But I don't know any TS's who actually want to stay a guy and be a woman inside. (Never say never and always avoid always). It seems contradictory to me. In my mind it says "you need to talk to someone so you can work this out."