Transgender = Transsexual ???? Since When?

[Alex!]

DeeAnn,

Fair enough. The best I can come up with is this: A heterosexual boy going through puberty is not able to readily explore sex with a girl, and access to outlets like pornography is not always possible (especially true before the Internet). Some boys (like me) will stumble upon or explore wardrobes of moms, sisters, cousins, and the like, and curiosity may lead to trying things on, which then leads to unexpected sexual satisfaction. This is a common theme for a lot of my CD friends who do not believe they have gender dysphoria. Anyway, the habit evolves, no doubt enhanced by the thrill of doing something forbidden or "dangerous", and there is a tendency to step up the game, to push boundaries. Put another way, trying on a pair of panties a few times will be fun, but then it gets boring so you look for something more. Eventually, you go all out. But this is very hard to do growing up in a family, so "all up" probably doesn't happen until adulthood. By this point, dressing in feminine attire to get a charge has effectively been imprinted. It becomes a refuge of satisfaction, even if in a relationship with a woman. In a sense, the boy/man becomes the ultimate on-call "girlfriend", strictly compartmentalized. The alter ego is a superficial representation of a woman, not a reflection of a woman that is inside a man's body. Now, many societies, as we all well know, frown on this kind of thing, even if a lot of boys and men might secretly share in crossdressing behavior. The shame comes in part because of the concern in being perceived as a sissy or otherwise not virile. This is an important aspect, because as far as I'm concerned being a virile man is my comfort zone. Even though I enjoy crossdressing now and then, I would prefer it go away with a pill or something! Anyway, as for the shame, the Internet has helped because I realize now that many men share a similar history and interest, and I am not some sort of pervert or weirdo.

Another clue, at least in my case, is that when I'm fully dressed and out and about in public, I feel very uncomfortable and in a heightened state of awareness (but still fun, believe it or not). It's an odd mix of sexual arousal, feeling like a fraud, and being worried about how I am perceived by others. I am much more comfortable being myself, which is in guy mode seeking to attract women. I bring this up because I've heard that for many crossdressers, being dressed up makes them feel serene, at peace. Not me so much.

I realize that may not make sense to a lot of people. But this is essentially how this habit evolved for me. As a 47-year-old adult, crossdressing still provides a healthy charge. I still seek to "step it up" by going out and doing various new things alone or with friends (like restaurants, shopping and so forth), but I do see myself losing interest faster, taking breaks for many months at a time. I wish the urge would go away, but it is a part of me. I'm stuck with Alex. And she's expensive :D