If your crossdressing doesn't have a sexual aspect, then why?

[Princess Chantal]

Why is it that many people link their sexual preference with the crossdresser/transgender label?
Does sexual identity really matter when sociallizing with others?
Do you tell people your sexual preference when going on non-crossdressing sites or when you attend a social group that is not crossdressing?
"I am a straight crossdresser", "I am a bisexual transgender person", "I am a heterosexual classic car collector", "I am a gay jogger", "I am a bisexual gamer"

Are you afraid someone would try to come on to you, if you don't?

[Tabitha_Lynn]

I dont think it is out of fear of a come-on. To me that would be very flattering.

I think it is probably more because crossdressing my be stereotyped as a gay activity. I know when I was caught by my mom as a teen, "are you gay" was one of the first things she said.

[Jazzy Jaz]

I agree with Tabitha Lynn, because of that stereotype i think alot of us feel compelled to dispell that myth and acurately express who we are as an individual. Also i think because we have a place in lgbt, we are very self aware about where we fit within it.

[Meghan4now]

Reasonable question and point, however there are some possibly valid reasons:

Societal misconception that CDS are gay, and the feeling that one needs to defend ones orientation.
The perception that CDING has a large subculture of sexual attachment, and wanting to differentiate to avoid getting hit on
There Could be a larger distribution of gay orientation within the CD community, and not wanting to get hit on.
While professing to be straight, one may, in fact, be less than sure. So publicly reinforcement.

There is an undeniable subculture of sexual association with CD and fetish. I bought a gaff from Suddenly Fem, and they sent a catalog, with tips and articles. They seem to have a fetish orientation, and in fact, the back cover was a full page article that spent about 90% talking about CD as sexual fetish, and 10% about transition. The message was clear. Either the CD is in it for sex or is TS in transition. This is a company that caters exclusively to the "TG" community. If, even in the back of one's mind, there is a perceived increase in the association of sexual activity, it may be natural to advertise the differentiation.

Oh, and I seriously doubt that I'll buy anything else from suddenly fem, although their models are really hot. Ooh did I just say that out loud? Must remind everyone that I am str8.

[pamela7]

People (*) assume/ask if i'm gay or bi when i dress, so I reckon one does have to say "no thank you, i'm a) happily married, b) straight".

* that is many people who've spoken with me, i can't speak for those who have not spoken to me.

[kinkyboots]

Oh god the gay talk; had that done to me twice. What's weird is i was still caught with penthouse mags both times.

[Krisi]

I suspect you already know the answers to your questions. Never the less, the reason we disclose our sexual preference on a crossdressing web forum is that if has an effect on our perspective when talking about crossdressing.

It would not have the same effect when talking about classic cars or jogging.

[Patrica Gil]

Sometimes it does happen that someone comes on to me. Simply reply with not interested. Though I enjoy the whole aspect of being a woman. Being a lady in a dress, cleaning house, laundry, making breakfast for my lover in the morning, curling my hair, and all that comes with it. To many time others around me think it is sexual. Sorry I enjoy good company, conversation, and people that just don't think to much of themselves. Life is to short.

[ChubbyLeahCD]

I think that the two major myths are:
- if you crossdress, you are gay
- if you crossdress, you want to become a woman

Me? I like crossdressing because I feel it completes my male side.
Do I get turned on when I'm dolled up? Sure it happens sometimes.
Do I enjoy sexual things when I'm dolled up?
But, I hope to one day, be able to bring Leah out to be a girl with my wife. Nails, makeup, shopping.
Sometimes I wish her and I could get clubbing dresses, look fierce and go out. But, pardon my French,
I will never crossdress in front of my child but if it's the two of us and I feel like it, I want to be able some day to just put on some booty shorts and t-shirt and flip flops and lounge in the house with her.
That's what I want. Growing up I always had more friends that are girls than guys.
I don't want to substitute my beer drinking, burger eating , football watching man's way. I want to complement that with nail polish, lingerie and girl talk.

[Pat]

Usually if I identify as a "bisexual crossdresser" it's because I'm heading off the followup question if I were just to say "crossdresser." It depends on the social setting. If I'm dealing with people selling goods or services (doctor, nailtician, sales associate, etc.) I just say crossdresser because that's all they need to know (and probably more than they want to know.)

[Angela Marie]

This has more to do with my gender identity than my sexual orientation (straight). Its hard to explain to someone who has not experienced it or who has a closed mind. Whatever!!! One less thing to worry about.

[Ceera]

In a forum like this one, being clear about your sexual orientation and availability status helps others to understand where you're coming from, and where on the very broad TG spectrum you are.

What I experience and consider appropriate as a single, bisexual male is very different from what a straight married male might experience and consider.

What works for someone who has gender dysphoria and feels they need to transition to female by surgery isn't necessarily appropriate for someone like me who has no gender dysphoria, and identifies as male with a significant feminine aspect that also needs expressing.

How I interact en-femme with others and respond to their attention and reactions as a bisexual person is quite different from someone who is strictly gay or strictly straight. For me it's no problem if a guy flirts with my femme form. For a straight, married CD'er who isn't seeking an intimate encounter, their reaction to the same male flirtation will be very different.

So all in all, in a forum like this, yes, it's appropriate to be clear on where we stand.

===

On the other hand, in a cosplay-related forum, I'd be quite willing to state that I'm comfortable with wearing either male or female costumes, but my sexual orientation wouldn't come up unless someone explicitly had a reason to ask. In that group. there are a lot of straight people that cross cress for costume play purposes only. It wouldn't be relevant to general discussions on costumed fandom activities.

[Jennifer0874]

There was a point in my early twenties where I was able to get past the sexual excitement of dressing and dressing became more about my gender expression. That is when I started to go out dressed to gay clubs and spending significant time dressed. The excitement gave way to normalcy. Lately I wake up feeling like Jennifer whether I dress or not. Many of the feelings that drove me to be male in my younger days have subsided.

[sometimes_miss]

Why. Simple. Because it feels right. Example: You're at a formal event. Everyone else is dressed in a suit, tuxedo or military dress uniform. You're wearing a swimsuit. You'd feel a little uncomfortable, right? That's how I feel in male clothing. As if I'm in the wrong sexes clothing. All the time. Where as I feel perfectly normal dressed as a girl, no matter how long I stay dressed this way. Something wrong was done to me when I was a kid; I was told that god made a mistake, and that I was really supposed to be a girl; they gave what at the time were very good reasons for this to be true, at least to a child who had no way to question such information. Looking back on my life from that young point, it sort of made sense, too, but then I still believed in santa clause and the easter bunny at that age, too. That idea that I was really a girl, was reinforced by someone else for about seven years, perhaps when my sexual self identity and personality was in a vulnerable stage of development. By then, I really believed it so much that I reinforced the idea upon myself, dressing up and learning as much girl type things as I could, patiently waiting for the day that god would turn me into the woman I was supposed to be. Of course, that never happened, but the damage was done. Wearing female clothing and doing certain female specific behaviors reinforces the belief that I am, indeed, a girl. So it makes me feel at peace with myself. Even though I know that I'm a male. The visual feedback of long beautiful feminine styled hair, dangling earrings, underthings that both look and feel female specific, outerwear too, as well as accessories and nail polish all create the feeling that I am who I'm supposed to be. Much of my life has been affected, to the point where when involved in 'intimate encounters' I feel that I'm supposed to respond as a female. It takes all kinds of mental gymnastics to be able to function, feeling like I'm supposed to be doing one thing, while actually doing something completely different. There is no specific sexual excitement connected to the clothes, but very often I feel as if I'm a female with another female. Which, of course, isn't what any straight woman wants to hear from her manly man. So I keep my mouth shut, and try to keep up the illusion, to people who have no idea that they're seeing one.

Does that help explain it?

[Krisi]

I would like to wake up feeling like Krisi but there's the things between my legs that keep reminding me that I am not.

[kimdl93]

I certainly don't broadcast my sexual preference. People make assumptions and I'm happy to leave them as these may be.

[Teresa]

Chantal,
My Cding started as sexual and the connection has never gone away. I do enjoy dressing more besides that but I'm not ashamed to admit that's how I'm wired I'm attracted to women as a guy and more so when dressed ! I'm easy in male or female company but I have no interest in men sexually .
I'm not sure how my gender therapy is going to progress but if transition does come up and I go down that road my sexual preferences wouldn't change !

I have had several very flattering comments from bi members on the forum, I don't have a problem with them having feelings like that if they find you attractive I can't alter those feelings but I wouldn't put them down for being open and honest with me .

[SummerJ]

I think a lot of it has to do with how (for better or worse) the concepts of gender identity and sexual orientation are entwined in our society.

For me personally, I was dealing with a lot of issues regarding sexual orientation the same time I started crossdressing. It's not unreasonable to assume that for many of the people on this forum, this is the only outlet where they can actually feel safe discussing these sorts of things

[AllieSF]

Some very good replies so far. Here is one that I believe is also very relevant, especially on a site like this where each of us sometimes tries to be clear as to what we are and even more so as to what we are "NOT". I think that there are a lot of members here who may profess, even categorically deny, that they are homophobic, when in fact they are in a minor or major way. They think that being asked if they are gay is a big insult to who they are. They think that for them to be thought of as gay means that people think less of them, even though they truly have nothing against others being gay or lesbian. NIMBY maybe? I think that they are afraid to be labeled that.

If one is comfortable with who they are, why should they care that someone else may label them as gay or something else, if it could cause no harm to them as to income or loss of power/influence in their lives, or maybe some type of harm to their families?. Most people who ask are probably very nice people who are just curious. I know who I am and being mislabeled as gay causes me no internal problems and I can easily just answer honestly when needed. I know that their question does not hurt me in any way. What I am has no affect on how I interact with others and live my life being me. My opinions on politics, business, social issues and the like are the same no matter how I am labeled, because they are my own opinions based on my own experience. So, when asked I always reply honestly and let them deal with the answer as they want. I always wonder about those that protest too much and wonder what may be causing all that defensiveness.

If someone asks you if you are from the South (in the USA, or maybe Italy), do you take that as a simple question or as an insult? Are you an engineer, doctor, lawyer, school teacher, and so on? I also see no reason, nor need, for anyone to pre-label themselves, unless it is relevant to a specific conversation or topic.

Similar to the pre-labeling and over defending of ourselves as being not what the other may initially think that they are, is saying that one has a gay friend or a trans friend, or whatever. The prior is "guilt by association" while the latter is "pride by means of association". I have done and continue to do the latter. When I could say that my friend Sally is joining us, I find my self saying that my "lesbian or trans" friend Sally is joining us. An astute friend of mine once questioned me about that making me realize that the extra adjectives were not needed. Since we don't do that with our "normal, non-trans or non-gay" friends, why do we need to do it at all unless for a specific topic or conversation? In a way, it is a name dropping technique to show others how cool we are because of who we know or associate with. Personal vanity issues are hard to change. I am trying to change my own bad habits, and this one is proving difficult.

[Jennifer0874]

I'm bisexual. All that really matters is that my wife supports and accepts me. The same goes for my crossdressing. But both of those can be a deal breaker for some women. I've always felt more comfortable revealing that about myself early in dating. I never wanted to hide anything that kept me from feeling like the real me.

When I'm here I feel much more free and open than I can be in real life. Sometimes I reveal personal information here hoping someone else can relate or maybe I'll become friends with another married, bisexual crossdresser.

[Katey888]

A rebuttal of gay stereotyping is one part of it... although the old "How straight are you.." thread indicated that on this forum, at least, gay CDers are very much in the minority...

I think there is also a degree of overly sensitive indignation that some folks feel their sexuality may be somehow impugned by being a crossdresser... "I want people to treat me as a woman but heaven forfend they might think I want to appear attractive to men..." :facepalm: Really...?? If I think about this and am completely honest with myself, I would like to think my appearance is appealing to everyone... what does that mean to me, knowing that a regular guy might see me as an attractive (mature) woman, provided it was far enough away, dark enough and he'd left his guide dog at home... Seriously - if a straight man thought I looked attractive, I would feel flattered and accomplished with my transformation... It doesn't mean I want to get into his trousers, or anything else, for that matter... but I can't apply a filter to the rest of humanity if I felt oversensitive about being attractive to a gender I am not attracted to.

I believe it's this apparent conflict that causes some CDers to revert to a type that borders on homophobic, simply because the context is just too difficult to reconcile. It's not entirely their fault: it's the programming of society seeping through after years of conditioning. But it's also a small-mindedness that is unwilling to be open to new paradigms... Example: Many men will flirt with women - women find them attractive, they respond because it's fun, has a frissance of danger - even if they never intend taking it further by cheating on their SOs. How many men would admit the same about flirting with another guy, although the intentions to go further would never be there? I've thought about it and experienced it a little - but it's quite mindbending and I think most guys would just not be prepared to think about and revert to "I'm all man when I'm not wearing a dress, and forms, and heels, and earrings..."

The other part of this is because sexuality is so closely linked to gender. For some of us it does determine the group of people we're interested in sexually, so it deserves a mention because it helps to guide other people as to our 'grouping' here or in a social situation. Meeting other CDers my first time out, it was probably the 3rd or 4th question after 'where're you from' and 'are you married'... Was that because I might have been a potential 'catch' - maybe, but I doubt it... Am I afraid of someone thinking that and chatting me up? No - like I said, I can't see that a little flirting would be anything but fun, in the right situation, and any man thinks he can out-flirt this chick better think again...

Interesting post Chantal - gets us all thinking and the 'real men' running for the hills...

Katey x

[AngelaYVR]

It's because a lot of people will automatically think "he does it because he's gay" and that can be very frustrating. To nurse a secret that you have held for decades and then have it dismissed with a throwaway comment is not something most people enjoy. So for me, it's not the worry of being called gay, it's the vexing proposition of people thinking they have figured me out when they are so far off base!

[Princess Chantal]

Thanks all, I am gonna have a lot of reading tonight/early morning during the dock delays at work and possibly do a follow up reply. Keep them coming!

[flatlander_48]

Given an appropriate situation, I will say: "I identify as bisexual and transgender.". It is a true statement said without inflection or drama.

However, the timing of this topic is interesting as a guy tried to hit on me last Saturday night while I was dressed. I didn't think I was giving off any particular "Come hither" vibe, but we don't know what we do subconsciously. If I were to open the score card, it would show male to female lovers at about 2:1, so the advances didn't freak me out. However, at this point in time, I don't choose to seek any outside entanglements. Seeing as how outside activities accounted for about 1/3 of the reason my first wife and I separated, it would take something truly extraordinary for me to run that risk with my second wife.

However, after I got dressed last Saturday, I looked at myself in the mirror. While I wasn't provocatively dressed, perhaps here may have been an undercurrent of sexuality. It's hard to explain. Anyway, I was dressied in a black krinkled finish stretchy top, black wide-leg slacks, black 4" wedge slides, a long multi-chain gold necklace, black and gold bracelet and a black handbag plus wig, makeup done and nails done. The outfit seemed to accentuate the good attributes and hid the not so good ones. So, in retrospect, it could very well be that there was a subconscious component to this that reflected a noticable sexual aspect.

Anyway, this is just one data point. Time and events will tell if there is really something going on in the background...

DeeAnn

[nevarrie]

I will admit that a lot of my crossdressing has to do with textures, at least that is what I have learned over the years. I like the silks, satins and soft cottons that I can get cheaper as women clothing then I can as men's clothing. I also have found I like the women's cuts more then mens cut on some clothing.

Though crossdressing helped me to understand that I am bi but prefer women more then men. A drag queen I was friends with help me understand that drag was not for me since I just enjoyed dressing in women clothing but did not need to be a show off that she felt I need to be a drag queen. She also felt I was not gay enough and hated that I attracted both men and women whither I was in a dress or in a polo and pants.

To me crossdressing helped me to understand my sexuality. In my journey to understand my sexuality I found that wearing women's clothing could mean lots of different things to different people. I almost see it as saying I am an athlete without saying what type of athlete you are. With just saying I am a crossdresser it could mean so many things. I know there is a thread on transvestites on here that shows what a word that at one point meant you wore women clothing now means you have a sexual fetish to so many people. We have to define what part of crossdressing we are to help others understand us and how they can relate.

For me I am married to the woman I love and I enjoy wearing women's clothing. In some ways it makes it easier for me since I just have to say i am happily married and I am not looking for someone. To say I am married to a woman helps others think that I am straight, but it also helps other to see what is possible.