Treatment for APL Leukemia has made me sterile. Now I want to be a woman.

[Kristine120]

I just spent almost 2 months in a hospital being treated for Leukemia. This involved intense chemotherapy with a bone marrow transplant. I am in the recovery period. However, my immune system will not be completely working for a month or so. I'm kinda stuck in my house alone. I was divorced in 2005 and have not developed any real relationships. Lately, the desire to dress in women's clothing has become borderline obsessive/compulsive - sorta like when I was in high school.

Now that I am unable to father children, it seems that any traditional "marriage" is not an option. A though/feeling from my teenage years has returned. Namely the desire to live as a woman. With the discovery of my attraction towards men, it seems that what I want to do now is to start HRT therapy so I can develop some female secondary sexual characteristics.

I'm going to see a therapist and if I do this I am going to involve my family doctor. I want this to be legit.

Any response from someone with a similar situation would be appreciated.

Kristine120

[Frances]

I don't see a connection between sterility and transsexuality. If on the level, you need to talk to a therapist to sort your feelings. You may be seeing connections where there aren't any. You may still be trans nonetheless.

If not on the level, you post kinda reads like feminisation porn litterature.

[Kristine120]

No. This is not some "forced feminization" fantasy. This is a real situation for me. Since I have discovered that I am gay, to have sex with men is desirable. But I like to play the female role and dress accordingly. And I have been dressing-up my whole life. My wife used to accommodate me on occasion. It too bad that we had to break-up, but I wasn't the dominating "Alpha Male" that she thought she married.

I'm 48 years old with little prospect of developing any kind of deep relationship with a woman. So I want to be as pleasing to my male partner as I can. And this is a real desire.

I don't expect you to understand my situation, so don't be so judgmental.

Anyway, thank you for your response.

[Jorja]

Well, you seem to know exactly what you want and need. However, I would visit with a therapist and get a good understanding of where you are mentally especially after battling leukemia.

[Kristine120]

Thank you. A little compassion goes a long way.

[Frances]

Why would I not understand your situation? I am a post-op trans woman. I responded both ways (if you were on the level and not). You only posted 9 times in 11 years. You've yet to establish some credibility in this forum.

Going by what you added, I will say that being attracted to men does not make you a woman. You may conflating a lot of stuff. You may also very well be trans, and I urge you to talk to someone to figure it out. I also urge you to not lash out at people responding to your posts and wait to get broader picture of opinions and experiences.

Jorja said the same thing as me, by the way.

[Anne2345]

Kristine, with all due respect, your membership here is still relatively new, and you have submitted only a grand total of 10 posts to date. On its face, what you have written makes no sense at all. Moreover, if you are going to post here and specifically REQUEST that folk respond, then I would be really careful if I were you about accusing good folk like Frances of being judgmental towards you. She has been there, done that, and she knows *exactly* what she is talking about. That she took the time to articulate her concerns, observations, and opinions to you, you should instead *thank* her for that, rather than accuse her of judging you. Unless, of course, you are only willing to listen to the things you *want* to hear, as opposed to the things that outside observers who have more life experience in these matters than you can even possibly begin to appreciate are willing to offer.

My take is that if you are here to learn, and if you are SERIOUS about this, then BACK OFF and listen to and consider the answers to the questions YOU have posed. Otherwise, there is absolutely no value to you being here whatsoever. I don't mean to come across sounding harsh, but this is real life, and it's not a game. If you want only "yes" people to respond, you're in the wrong place . . . .

[Kristine120]

I'm not "fishing" for complements. I am deadly serious. Losing the ability to procreate is a major blow to ones world view. Now I have no real purpose for my life other than to live it. And I want to live it with as much happiness as I can. I have listened and read a lot of these as well as other forums. That is why I may not have a lot of posts. And what I DO post is what is most important to ME.

I didn't want to insult anyone. I was just making my dignity clear to all. I thank you for your honest response.

[Frances]

Do you know who loses the ability to procreate? Every post-op trans person (both male and female). I still don't see the connection. This does not negate your transness, but it is worthy of exploration with a qualified professional.

[Badtranny]

Hey, weirder things have happened. Did you hear about the guy that was stung by a bee and was turned into a woman?

[arbon]

I am glad you survived the Leukemia and the treatments. I hope you keep recovering well. I am sure that is a lot to go through.

I think the problem is how you seem to tie your desire to be a woman to how your no longer able to have children, have traditional marriage and you find yourself attracted to men. If you were still able to have children and could have a wife you were attracted to, would you still feel the same way about transitioning and being a woman?
I am glad you are going to go to a therapist to help sort it out.

[Kristine120]

[Nigella]

I have been a closeted cross dresser for years

, from a thread you started Dec 14, now this one a little over 8 months later after a life changing circumstance.

I would suggest that if you are serious, you take the time to read the posts made in response to your Opening Post and not dismiss the wealth of experience. Your explanation for the desire to become a woman is unorthodox and does not fit the general pathway of a transtioner. You have alluded to the possibility of being TS, but if the catalyst for transition is sterility, you have a hard journey ahead of you.

You have been dismissive of comments made, that is your choice, however, do not disrespect those who offer advice bourne from experience, we have been there and done that.

Just remember, the more information you give about your situation/desire the better we can respond. We have seen many post like yours, "I want to be a woman because ..." rather than "I am a woman..." the response from members is always the same, of course there is skeptism and the majority of times this is well founded, the ladies and occasional gentlemen who have taken this path offer our advice to help you, not to scorn you.

[Kristine120]

To be an actor you don't "want" to be but you NEED to be. That is how I feel about my transition. It is something I need to feel complete as a human being.

I apologize if I seem cavalier towards people criticizing how I feel. I really do want to lean what I need to know - good or bad.

I want to be the woman that my partner wants me to be. I am not getting sexual reassignment surgery. I am complete as I am.

I want to learn as much as I can, That is why I am here. Thank you for your kind advise.

Kristine
XOXO

What is this shared hallucination we call life?

[Nigella]

... I want to be the woman that my partner wants me to be.

What is so wrong about this statement? You have so much to learn and as has already been stated, your first port of call should be therapy, with such statements as this, you seriously need to discuss this with a professional who is versed in TS issues.

I sincerely hope that this is not just fallout from recovering from a serious illness, because if you take the path you have indicated without due care and attention you are in for a world of hurt

[Krisi]

1) Being sterile does not mean you can't marry or be in a relationship with a woman. You just have to tell her about it.

2) Gay men don't want to be with a man who looks like a woman, they want to be with another gay man. If you are gay and a male, you don't need to change anything. Breasts, etc. will be a turnoff for a gay man.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Kristine you need a therapist..

what you are saying mostly does not resonate with the shared experience of a large group of women here.

and the parts that do resonate seem like something other than the start of a successful transition.

it's your life, do what you want....but showing your picture does not make you serious... you really don't have a clue at all about what it would be like to go down this path...not even a little clue...


if you are sincere about actually wanting to learn, then start with your therapists and some books...what you are saying here doesn't hold much water even if you think it does..

your story reminds me of the billy crystal story on the old soap opera called "SOAP".... like the story you conflate womanhood with sex, and like the story you don't get it....

you are right to care about your feelings and to focus on that... you've reached out to a group that have their own feelings, and the group has pretty much said they don't get it and to focus on therapy therapy therapy..

to me that's about the end of the conversation because based on your posts you are in for causing yourself a lot of issues.. I want you to succeed and be happy... this isn't how to do it..

[becky77]

Hi Kristine

Congratulations on your recovery.

There are a lot of warning bells in what you write.
It's not for me to judge but I'm a little concerned you are approaching this with the wrong reasons for transition.

I would highly recommend gender therapy to sort out these feelings.

If you're not female identified (and by the little you have told us you don't appear to be).
Then you may find living as a woman is a disaster, being an inadequate man is not the same as being a woman.

'Not being able to procreate as a man, means you are better off as a woman'. Is a deeply disturbing example of why you need to transition.

It's your life you do as you please, my advice is to approach this cautiously for your own good.

[PretzelGirl]

Kristine, please heed everyone's recommendation for therapy. Go into it saying you need to process what your path in life should be, don't go in saying I want X. I also agree that this needs to be thought through to make sure it is the right thing to do. If you said that you held off transition because of your treatment and now that it was done you were ready, it would sound like you are on the right path. The return of a thought is a good time to process and process well. This is a high impact change. It impacts your family life, your work life, your social life, your body, and much more. Never should this be done too quickly unless it is to stay alive.

A few thoughts:
Gender Identity - What it is that drives us to transition, it is innate and not visible.
Gender Expression - What you are showing us in the picture. It also is expressed in behaviors.
Sexual Orientation - What your found attraction to men is.

All three of these are separate and distinct.

[Robin414]

DISCLAIMER, I'm not a phsycologist and im not in any way offering encouragement either way, a qualified phsycologist is a must but here's my opinion for what its worth: Not sure what causes some to 'pull the pin' but it's pretty clear it's phsycological and isn't a 'choice' right? No, bee stings, cancer, and attempted suicide don't make you a freaking woman but assuming your literally deathly alergic to bee stings, cancer has a nasty tendency to come with a 'statistic', and attempted suicide starts with the assumption of success I see a commonality here; the genuine 'chin nod' to Mr. Reaper! Maybe that nod is just the match on the gasoline that's already there. I'm sincerely glad to see you here Kristine, it means it was just a chin nod, that's all! 😲

[Jorja]

Thank you. A little compassion goes a long way.

I am not sure that compassion is the correct word. You seem to have your mind set. Nobody is going to change it no matter what we say. So have at it. I hope all of your dreams come true.

[arbon]

Pictures wont help you be taken more seriously here. This site is full of pictures of guys with makeup and wigs. Just letting you know.

I want to learn as much as I can, That is why I am here. Thank you for your kind advise.

What do you think you want to learn? What are your intentions, I mean you don't come across like you want or need to transition. Is your objective to be crossdressed with little boobs and penis to please a guy?

If you want non professional advice - keep playing the female roll, have fun with it. Go have sex with men. HRT is not going to make any of it funner for you.

[Michelle789]

I think the problem is how you seem to tie your desire to be a woman to how your no longer able to have children, have traditional marriage and you find yourself attracted to men. If you were still able to have children and could have a wife you were attracted to, would you still feel the same way about transitioning and being a woman?

I think you hit it spot on. Gender identity and sexual orientation are two completely separate things. You may very well be TS, and you may not be. I can totally relate to being new on this forum and questioning if I am TS, in my case am I a CD or a TS. I would definitely read over my thread and see if you identify with any of my feelings or thoughts. Identifying with what I wrote does not necessarily mean you need to transition, and not identifying doesn't mean you shouldn't transition. I am just sharing my experience, one TS, trying to help another potential TS. Two years ago, I was questioning if I am a CD or a TS, and it was my very first post on this forum. I hope reading this can help you.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...-a-transsexual

What makes someone gender dysphoric is not who you are sexually attracted to. Men can be sexually attracted to men, and it is totally acceptable to be gay. Women can be attracted to women, and it is totally acceptable to be a lesbian. What counts is not your being sterile suddenly, nor your attraction to men, nor your desire for traditional marriage.

The cruel truth is, you may transition and discover that you will never be able to be in a traditional marriage. There is lots of prejudice towards us, and while there are straight cis men who will do one night stands with us, most will never have a serious relationship with us. And good luck finding a transman to date. Many are attracted to men, many will only date a cis woman, and the pool of transmen who will date transwomen is very small. This isn't to say that you will never find a man. I currently am dating a transman and have been so for over a year. I personally know of two other transwomen in happy relationships with transmen. I am 35, and the other two are both much older than me. I don't personally know any transwomen currently in relationships with cis men, although I heard it is not entirely impossible. My guess is that to attract a transman it would help to be very feminine in dress and behavior, although you don't need to pass to attract a transman. To date a cis man, it would seriously help to be ultra feminine in dress, behavior, voice, and physical features - which may mean FFS in order to achieve that. I am just trying to warn you that your dating prospects may be seriously limited by transitioning, and that the desire to date men is not a reason to transition. Bisexual men may date us too. There is hope for dating men, but it is going to be more difficult if you are a transwomen because of all the prejudice against us.

Now you may very well be female identified and attracted to men. Lots of heterosexual women are attracted to men. What I see happening to you is that you have had these feelings since you were a teenager, you repressed them in a state of denial for decades, and now suddenly a life setback has triggered these gender dysphoric feelings. This happens to many of us. This is exactly what happened to me. Between a psychic whom I was consulting for help pressuring me into dating, and being unemployed for 15 months, really caused my gender dysphoric feelings to go on steroids. I had also crossdressed privately and still had these feelings even for the years in between - ever since I was 5.

What matters is, how do you identify? Do you identify as a woman? Do you feel like you are a woman? Do you know you are a woman? I think seeing a therapist would tremendously help. So would dressing as a woman, and going out trying to present publicly. Do you feel like you want to make yourself look more like a woman? That is a good indicator. How do you feel about your penis, and your facial and body hair? Do you wish to grow breasts? Do you wish to be treated as a woman? Are your feelings persistent and consistent? Answering yes to any of these does not automatically mean you're a woman in a man's body, and answering no to any of these doesn't mean you're not a woman in a man's body. These are just questions I am asking to help guide you along.

Being inadequate as a man, or a "failed man" is a real phenomena. It is highly rare, but my therapist says that about 1% of her clients are failed men. Failed men are men who feel inadequate as men because of some major trauma, often from an abusive parent, and often from when the abuse is sexual abuse. I don't know enough about your past, so I am going by your posts on this thread. Failed men should never transition. My therapist said she helped them to learn how to behave masculinely enough to become the men they are meant to be.

I hope my post doesn't sound convoluted. I am just trying to help you discover all the possibilities about what may be happening here, and also present the realities of transition.

I really think by thinking about some of the questions I asked, reading over my thread, seeing a therapist, and experimenting with gender presentation, can all help to figure out if you're TS and need to transition or not. This can help you to find out if you do fall on the gender spectrum, where you fall on the gender spectrum, and what you need to do about it. Maybe you're not TS, but not a cis gay man either. You may be gender fluid, or somewhere else on the gender spectrum as well. Explore, and keep an open mind. Transition is nothing to take lightly, it is serious life or death business. Don't transition unless you need to, but if you do need to transition, then let nothing stop you. I really wish you the best on this journey of self-exploration and self-discovery. I hope you can figure out who you really are and what you need to do to make yourself feel comfortable in your own skin. I hope I have been of help. If you need to talk to someone, please feel free to send me a PM