First bit of advice: breathe. Second bit of advice: follow Mechamoose's advice and be you. Take some time to figure out what that is. Read the other posts here -- there are a lot of different people many feeling the same things all using different words to describe what's going on. Like blind men trying to describe an elephant by feeling it, you'll get lots of different descriptions -- some my coincide with yours, some may open up new ideas for you.
Many of us find comfort in mixed presentation -- a little bit male, a little bit female. If you want to wear makeup out, you can do that without having to put on mascara and eye shadow. Just put on some foundation with an SPF factor and it not only makes you look better and feel better, but it's good for you. Mostly it's invisible but if you leave some streaks and someone asks if you're wearing makeup, the classic answer is "It's tinted moisturizer." If you need to be even more butch, you can say "tinted sunblock" or if you can live with less hiding say, "yes." If you find that small steps lead to bigger steps, fine. If not, don't.
Be you. Don't be someone else's expectation of you. That's what you're trying to escape from now.
