Hello everybody, sorry that I haven't replied since yesterday. I've just been doing a lot of thinking, but I've read everything that you've all written. I really appreciate some of you saying that I seem very mature, I've been told that by other people that I know also. It's taken a lot to get to this point and when this initially started with me finding the pictures online, I was not where I am now. I was angry and confused and I jumped to conclusions immediately. I read a lot, even before I found this site and it helped me to rationalize the situation. But this place has helped me in ways way beyond that.
It's a beautiful thing that so many amazing people have come together to give their sincere and caring advice and opinions. I still have not used this site on my computer but once I get my laptop id like to read some of your stories and journeys. You're all incredible people and I'm so happy that you have all found comfort here at this forum and that so many of you are finally at peace with yourself. I don't know the word for it, but I've always been the type of person who really feels for other people. I feel so deeply for the emotions of others. I think that is why this is so hard for me, because I don't want to make this even harder for John.


I think I've decided that I will need to give an ultimatum in some form. I know if I were to give this more time without approaching the situation, I would develop a DADT mentality and that Is NOT what I want. If that were to happen, something else will just end up popping up and I'll go through this all over again. It's already happened the past few months... i decided to ignore it and it only made it that much worse when i found something else.
I don't know exactly how to go about giving this ultimatum. I don't wanna come across as too harsh but I want him to take me seriously also. It's so hard because this past week, we've been getting along great but everything just hangs over my head like a big gray cloud. I'm thinking maybe I can print out some of this to give to him but idk. I just really love him and I don't want the ultimatum to cause us to split, but I want him to let me love him for who he truly is and I can't do that with all of these lies in our relationship.
Today I'm not really in a good state of mind, I'm feeling very anxious and sad. I have anxiety to begin with but sometimes like today it causes me to feel depressed and not want to get out of bed or go to work or talk to anybody.
I will be working on getting my head together over the next few days and then I will have to prepare for this ultimatum. I also need to prepare for him to shut down even with the ultimatum and I'll need to accept that if that's the case.I will have to move on. I'm hoping that the worst case scenario is that maybe he won't talk to me for a few days but then maybe he will realize and will want to talk.
I hope the realization that he could lose me will help him to grow up. I think he is stuck in the present, and in his negative feelings. I think the sports betting is a distraction because it gives him something to focus on to avoid from thinking about other things. But he's also been a sports fanatic since I met him. The obsessive betting and checking scores/watching EVERY game only started the past year or two. Anyway I hope the ultimatum will bring on some change even if it takes some time.

I just really can't express my gratitude towards all of you. You really helped me to understand everything more and that crossdressing is not the same for everybody. You're all extremely smart, kind and beautiful people and you all deserve the best in life. What I think is also extraordinary is that you're all able to admit your past mistakes whether it be about lying or hiding or self loathing. Most of you seem like you're so past that and accept and love yourselves now! I only hope that John can get to that point. However I understand this is a self discovery period in his life and that he is very young. I really hope I can take all of this advice and use it to heal our relationship and to help him to open up more.

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Oh and I forgot that I just wanted to say to Rhonda that i would truly love for this to not be so heavy. If he were to be open about this, and become comfortable with me, I hope it could become less negative or not negative at all. I want him to be happy, and i think maybe we could have fun with it. i don't think of the dressing as a heavy topic anymore, especially after you said that and after coming here. Youre totally right, It's the lying and hiding that is heavy and negative. But I hope he realizes that I still view him as the same man I fell in love with regardless of how he is dressed. Thank you for all of your insight.