Is the world today leaving us here behind?

[Zooey]

Okay, final summary thought from me here, and then I'll evaporate barring specific responses to something I've written. This is for any of those in the CD community here that go out in public, or who would like to at some point.

Presently, you face real and genuine safety issues by using the men's facilities while dressed, and I acknowledge this. Many of you also get away with choosing to use the women's facilities, which you do for safety reasons, role realization, both, or some other reasons (hopefully appropriate). That is all you are doing though - getting away with it. In any locale without specific protections addressing your situation in place, you are at a very real risk of facing non-trivial consequences should someone decide to press the issue. The political right is making moves that could make those consequences worse.

I believe that, for many of you, this is an important part of your lives. If you would like to be living your life, rather than getting away with living it, a fair number of you will need to stand up, step up, and participate.

Seacrest, out.

[Wen4cd]

Good thread. Uncomfortable, a bit hairy, a bit hot, but in general informative and civil.

I hate to be told what to do probably more than most here due to my history, but I have to admit I've gone forth at times and presented in public, out of a sense of 'duty' as much as anything else. Some part of me knows it is an ambassador for CDing, and that's always lingering in consciousness.

I'm not dumb enough to believe that even the basest level of acceptance by my wife and friends and that I can exist in a place where I could not in the past were not gained by others' labor, and if I were to sit and collect the benefits of that effort and not pull my weight, well, let's just say I'd have a nagging conscience about it.

Not that going out and just being anonymously visible and friendly is equal to lobbying congress for new laws or marching on the capitol or anything, but it is as much as I can do, (I'm plotting ways to do more in my own way) and I think more visibility in a positive way is good medicine for all.

I understand if people need or want to remain invisible too. Being in control if your own risk management is essential. Just don't be overly cautious to the point of regret that you never lived.

[pamela7]

united in difference, differentiated by labels and identities, as the human broccoli reaches fruition each florette is its own unique part of an amorphous whole, and none worry about it cos all is accepted and consumed by the grim reaper ...

[ReineD]

OK Pamela. You've been reading way too much Deepak Chopra. :D

[PaulaQ]

The reason the TSs in this thread are supporting activism is because they have been outed (or have chosen to out themselves) for reasons that many uneducated people still see as not that much different from CDing. They know what it's like to have to navigate a system that, on an institutional and often personal basis, is not set up to accommodate them, and in some cases to actively deny and harass them.

Some of the best reasons why I hope some of you at least will consider coming out, even if only to a few people, are more personal in nature.

I understand that many of you have felt some offense by things I've said in this thread - that I'm somehow disparaging CDs, or think that I, and other TSs, are somehow better than you are. Please be assured that nothing is further from the truth, at least on my part. I have great empathy for your situation, and in many ways I think some of your lives are just as difficult and sometimes painful as my own. I know that's not true for all of you, but I've known enough CDs both here, and personally, to observe that their lives often seem difficult in many ways. I can relate, because before I came out as trans, my life was difficult in many of those very same ways. Perhaps what I experienced was more extreme, since I did need to transition, after all - I don't want to paint all of us with the same brush. But I found that hiding stuff from my wife, and then later living in DADT were both difficult experiences for me, and I think those same things are for many of you. Earlier in my life, I hid this stuff from my mother - I think many of you can probably relate to that.

There is no problem with CDs who don't want to be out, and would never consider being out. The trouble is, the way our world is right now, there is enormous pressure to not be out. So I think it's difficult for any of us to say, for sure, if we'd have hidden our crossdressing if the world were totally accepting of it. If, as a kid, you'd seen one of your friend's Dad's in a dress once in a while, and noted that nobody seemed to care about it one way or the other, would you still not reveal your CDing to the world? Of course the answer could still be "I'd still never reveal that I CD", but I think it's really hard to know how we'd react in a world that was so very different from the one we find ourselves living in.

So the first reason I hope some of you will at least consider helping us change the world by simply being visible, coming out, to even a few people in your lives, is that it sucks that there is so much pressure to hide this - that needs to change. While it's been said many times in this thread that "those who want to come out will come out, and those who don't want to come out won't," the truth is that there is quite a bit of pressure to conform to society's expectations of you, and to not come out. That pressure to not come out, the chances that you could face repercussions in other parts of your life, lead many of us to hide this part of ourselves. I certainly did that for the first 50 years of my life. I can attest that the pressure is real, even if the consequences aren't always as bad as we feared. (The thing is sometimes the consequences ARE as bad as we feared - and that's why many of us feel coerced into hiding our CDing.) Even if you are fine with never disclosing your CDing to another soul, doesn't it sort of irk you, at least a little, that so many people seem to have an opinion about something you do that is absolutely none of their concern? Wouldn't it be better if to be out / not be out were totally your choice, with no other consequences other than how YOU personally feel about the matter?

Secondly, and the thing that really concerns me personally more than anything else, is that when we hide parts of ourselves, parts of who we really are, it doesn't tend to stay compartmentalized to just one part of our lives. We may behave differently than we otherwise would, overcompensating so that no one guesses our secret. We almost certainly will put at least a little distance between us and our family and friends, because there are times when they simply can't be near us, lest they discover something about us we don't want them to know. I can tell you from personal experience, those things are real, and they hurt our relationships with our friends and loved ones, at least a little bit. It's also very difficult to not internalize some amount of shame or guilt because you feel you need to hide something. There are many threads about shame and guilt on this forum, and I know one of the good things that happens here is that many of us help others to get over those feelings. But wouldn't it be better if there were simply no reason to have them in the first place?

Hiding who I was for so long really hurt me. Now I wouldn't expect most of you to suffer from that to anywhere NEAR the degree I did - hey, you are mostly who you say you are. But I believe that hiding, lying to cover up, making excuses - the things we do to keep those around us from finding out - really do damage all of us in some ways. As I said, most of you won't experience that to anything like the degree a transsexual does - although perhaps some of you do - but I still believe it's there.

I believe that all of us here are being hurt by the lack of acceptance of gender variance in our world. The negative attitudes and stereotypes about cross dressers, trans women, all of us who are gender variant, that pervades our society hurt ALL of us. Even if we never leave the house and never experience direct discrimination or prejudice, it's impossible to keep some of the negative images and stereotypes out of your head. Hearing that stuff hurts us as people, and I believe it needs to stop.

Also, and many of us have experienced this, the act of coming out, even to a few people, is an enormous relief. Once I came out, suddenly there were people in my life around whom I didn't need keep my guard up 24/7. I could relax around them. Keeping a secret is a lot of work. It takes a toll on a person.

So I hope that some of you, for your own sakes, would consider helping us change the way the world thinks about gender variant people.

You don't need to transition. You don't need to dress 24/7. I don't expect to see many of you in a pride parade, sashaying down main street. I don't expect to see most of you at a protest rally. Very few of us, really, are called to do those things, and some of you could really ruin your lives if you did.

But what I'd ask you to consider is coming out to at least a few people in your lives. Explain yourself to them, tell them how negative things you've heard people say about crossdressers made you feel as if you had no choice but to hide this part of yourself. What that would do is make many more people aware of crossdressers than are aware of them today. It would put a human face on it. When the people you come out to hear the awful ads on TV about "No men in women's bathroom's" and see the menacing image of a man stalking a cute little girl into a stall, they'll KNOW it's a bunch of hogwash because they know you. (This is what they ran in Houston, and believe me, it is, probably coming to your area over the next year.)

The best way to change our world's view of us is to show them who we are, to put to rest the awful stereotypes about us because they KNOW us. We need to change people's hearts and minds, and there's really no way to do that other than by showing who we are. Laws won't fix any of this - they may be necessary in some cases, but wouldn't it be better if anti-discrimination laws weren't very necessary because people just didn't care enough to discriminate in the first place?

I realize this is a lot to ask, but I hope you'll at least consider what I'm asking you to do, and to imagine a world where people like us face no stigma, or at least a whole bunch less than we do now. This isn't too likely to happen for you unless you make it happen. People have to know you - at least a few. This has been the biggest instrument of change for other LGBT people - as necessary as laws, regulations, and court rulings sometimes are, ultimately, none of those things can make people accept and understand you.

Only knowing you can accomplish those things.

[arbon]

One thing I don't think we need is more activists.

Enough people out there in the public sphere doing damage already.

The best activism is just living a good normal life and not pounding people on the issue. Nothing else really needs to be said.

[ashley_addams76]

Just like anything there are serious issues that many here face and then there are things that are just run of the mill questions we want to know and just for the fun of it. Yes, depending on where you live, crossdressing is a serious issue that many face and that can ruin someone's life. In other places, you can travel freely without incident and a care in the world. The reality is that not everyone is going to be on board with what many of us do on here and even among this community, we won't agree as to what identifies us or how we behave. Sometimes, we are just either blessed or cursed in our circumstances.

[Lauri K]

Some of the best reasons why I hope some of you at least will consider coming out, even if only to a few people, are more personal in nature.

The best way to change our world's view of us is to show them who we are, to put to rest the awful stereotypes about us because they KNOW us. We need to change people's hearts and minds, and there's really no way to do that other than by showing who we are.

I agree with Paula, this is the only sure way to succeed.

This thread this is a good example of why our community struggles to move forward, we must all get aligned on the issues and stop squabbling among ourselves over the small things, there is a bigger picture so set the labels aside.

Off topic a bit, But I was in a bar one night with a younger crowd dressed up of course, a few of them close by were visiting with me and asked me my name I told them it was Lauri. As the night wore on and conversations came about discussing all the struggles we (LGBT/Q, Etc/Etc/Etc) face today were of the main topics.

There was a young man there in the small group that turned to me and said it will be the Lauri's in the world today that will pay the price, so they will have it better in the future so they are accepted and not discriminated against.

I have not forgot that conversation, and I will continue to educate and advocate for our cause one person at a time so others do not have to go through all this fear and worry.


You must know I will never forget that young mans words, and he is right we must pay the higher price so others behind us will not have to suffer through this the hard way.