Crossdressing v Transgender

[Nikki.]

After a lifetime of crossdressing and finally admitting to myself my gender identity is askew (I love Katey's "wobbly gender compass" euphemism), I have no idea if there's a nice category to put myself in. As a kid there were times I really wished I was a girl, but I never felt I was a girl. Remember the book Are you there God, it's me Margaret?? I probably read it 10 times wishing at times I could be like Margaret. But I was never unhappy having boy parts. I crossdressed whenever I could, stopped during high school, and started again after. Early 20's I sometimes wanted to transition. Or at least liked the idea of it. Yes there was a sexual component to CD'ing that's pretty much gone now. It was never a fun frivolity filled exercise, it was something I was compelled to do. There was no fetish over clothing, but I LIKED how I looked in heels and skirts, and I liked wearing hosiery. I still do.

So now after admitting to myself and my wife my gender ID is not cis, I have nagging in my head over gender identity. I'm not depressed or anxious or mad about being a guy. But I feel a deep innate need to present as a female. I like putting on makeup and a wig and how I look when I do so. If I had my druthers I would live that way sometimes, but not all the time. I get some sense of positive feeling when I look in the mirror, though I'm not so jazzed about my guyness showing through. It's not a lark, I don't wear a French maid outfit and dust the lampshades. I want to look blendable. If there were no external restrictions on how I presented, I would probably pick in the middle, so if I wanted to present either way, I could do so easily and blend.

I would love to have my nails done and ears pierced. It makes sense to me that BT says the accoutrements of womanhood have no special meaning to her. I think for me they do because I'm not a woman, I'm somewhere in between in my gender ID, so they are symbolism of that side. Not sure though.

So a nice easy box to fit myself into? Not seeing it. If I had to guess on my gender ID ratio? 50:50, but that's a swag.

I also see some absolute thinking or categorization in this thread, and on this forum in general. I find it hard to believe there are NO TS folks that actually were cross dressers and truly identified as such, and then changed or evolved and determined they were TS. I see strong opinions posted from a few TS peeps that in summary state "always a woman, born into wrong body, medical issue, had to fix". I'm not discounting anyone's belief in that regard, and I accept you as women. When I read your posts, my subconscious identifies you as women. But I am saying that to project your experience on every TS woman out there seems myopic. I try not project my TG wobbly compass experience on every CD out there. I get there are some, many that don't have a gender ID issue and just like wearing women's clothes, or it's a turn on for them. And there's a ton of variety in between.

Just my wobbly compassed opinion .