Came out to my counselor

[susancheerleader]

I had a meeting with my substance abuse counselor this morning. If any of you remember in one of my threads, I mentioned we tried to talk about my cross dressing. In that the first question he asked was "are you gay?" He instantly made it clear to me that he was clueless about this topic.

This morning he wanted to continue with the conversation. I shut him doing hard. He asked why, I told him because he already let it known that cross dressing is something he doesn't know anything about. He asked why I said that and I told him because the first thing he asked was the very stereotypical question "am I gay". Which people who don't understand ask right off. He got rather upset and went on a long rant about how far I have come and that talking about this is another step in becoming a new person after drinking. He also made it clear that he thinks this is something that can be "cured" and it's not a healthy thing for males to want to do. He did apologize for upsetting me initially and finally let the topic drop. But he said he would like to talk about it more in the future if and when I want to.
I shut him out of this topic. He was upset about that but in the end I am not going to talk about it with someone who obviously has some prejudice about cross dressing.

[NancySue]

I totally agree with you. There's absolutely no way another person can understand and empathize with this or other issues unless they've "been there..done that". It seems there are more and more opinionated "experts around, who don't have a clue what they're talking about. You do bring up another point of frustration....how we are often perceived to be gay. While some are, which is OK, many of us are not. The issues surrounding transgenders doesn't help our perception either. I think you should think about finding a new counselor. Best to you.

[AlyssaJ]

I wish I could say I was shocked but after your previous thread on this topic, this is pretty much what I expected. You must have a lot of faith and trust in your counselor although I have to admit after his reactions I'm surprised you still do. I hope it works out for you, I know in your position I'd be reacting a little differently.

[Krisi]

A counselor gets paid for talking to you. The longer he/she can keep it up, the more money they get. It's not in their best interest to "cure" you, they need you to keep coming back week after week.

Do you really need to see a counselor on a regular basis for substance abuse or anything else? Can't you stop on your own? Willpower?

I think you are wasting your time and money if you are paying to see a counselor and then complaining about it here.

[Elizabeth G]

Hi Susan,

If you are still benefiting from the substance abuse counseling then that would be the only reason I could see to continue, although his insistence that both areas need to be addressed makes me think he may limit his own effectiveness. Since the counselor goes against conventional wisdom and considers cross dressing curable and unhealthy then perhaps a new counselor is in order. I wish you the best of luck however you choose.

Elizabeth

[Krisi]

........... Since the counselor goes against conventional wisdom and considers cross dressing curable ........

Many crossdressers seek counseling to quit dressing. I don't think there's a "conventional wisdom" here, just an opinion.

[susancheerleader]

I am not interested in quitting. If I'd like anything it's to do it more and better!

[NicoleScott]

The counselor needs counseling. How's that for irony?
Seriously. Let's hope he was serious when he said "if and when you want to". That means it's up to you. Given your belief that he lacks expertise in gender matters (at best) and has prejudices (at worse), you won't restart the conversation, so case closed, right?
I don't know. It doesn't seem right that a counselor would get upset with you because you don't want to talk about something besides the reason you're there. It's supposed to be about you, not him.

[giuseppina]

I had a meeting with my substance abuse counselor this morning. If any of you remember in one of my threads, I mentioned we tried to talk about my cross dressing. In that the first question he asked was "are you gay?" He instantly made it clear to me that he was clueless about this topic. ...

I would be inclined to find another qualified and licensed counsellor if this happened to me. My experience is different: the counsellor did some research about gender issues and asked questions in a non-judgemental manner.

...Do you really need to see a counsellor on a regular basis for substance abuse or anything else? Can't you stop on your own? Willpower? ...

Addictions issues are generally not solvable by willpower, Krisi. A counsellor is there to provide help with finding new and healthier coping mechanisms. There is no evidence to suggest this in Susan's post above, but she may be self-medicating to alleviate other issues in her life. While this is not a good idea, resolving these underlying issues is part of the solution for Susan. Your comment about willpower may do more harm than good.

The best course of action for those who seek counselling to stop their dressing is acceptance. There is enough evidence that such counselling is ineffective and unethical due to potential harm to the client; clients should be so advised. I would be inclined to report any counsellor to their regulatory body who claimed otherwise as incompetent.

[Teresa]

Susan,
It does sound very narrow minded for a counsellor not to realise what being TG means .
It reminds me very much of my sister in laws comment about needing to get away from home more, she thought the dressing was only a problem in the privacy of closed doors, almost as if getting out would cure me. I pointed out that the problem is in my head not in the home and when I go out it goes with me.
OK stick with your counsellor if he helps with the alcohol problem but maybe you should change if he continues on making the connections he has.

You know the answer to being able to stop, the drink problem is not hard wired but CDing usually is.



Krisi,
Your comments on counselling aren't all true, I had two sessions of counselling in the UK through the NHS and they didn't cost me anything, they still see the the program through. I will also add that they did help me immensely.
I know you speak from you're own experience but please consider other people do need counselling and it works for them. At times you have to forget the financial side of it and focus on the help it's giving other people, sometimes I wish you could be more supportive of other members.

[Hazel King]

Why not give him a chance to update his thinking/knowledge, some do tend to be fixed in one mode, I had a similar situation with one, and did not want to continue, but my wife said give him another chance, on the next visit he was very apologetic, having looked into the subject and turned out to be one of the best.
But if yours thinks he can talk you around then find another.

Hazelxx

[Ellie Summer]

This reminds me of the montage from "The Danish Girl" where they try electro shock therapy, radiation on his balls, and try to lock him up in a straight jacket. Like most others, it's not an illness, and I'd hate to treat it as one

[susancheerleader]

@hazel
I am going to continue seeing this counselor. Up to now, and this topic, he really has been wonderful for me. He apologized to me for making me feel insulted by his comments. I accepted it. After his speech about how well I am doing, he finally said that the topic is dead until such time I feel comfortable talking about it with him.
I am not going to to tell him to read up on cross dressing. But until he dies more research and finds out it isn't as bad a thing as he (seems to portray) then I am not talking about it with him.

[Krisi]

.............
Addictions issues are generally not solvable by willpower, Krisi. ........

I quit smoking over forty years ago and never looked back. I had a medical issue seven years ago and the doctors blamed it on alcohol use and said I was an alcoholic and needed to join AA. My wife got rid of all the alcohol before I left the hospital and I haven't had a drink since.

I suppose one could claim I never was addicted, but all it took was me deciding that I needed to or wanted to quit. Willpower is all the help I had.

[susancheerleader]

I admire you who stopped drinking without outside help.
But I need it. Is that a bad thing? No. at least I want the help.

[donnalee]

The difficulty here is that his incompetence in this one area throws his competence in all areas in doubt. If you choose to continue with him it is quite possible he may provide more trouble than help.
The unwillingness to admit his lack of knowledge is a danger signal. "I don't know." is a perfectly valid answer, but someone who attempts to appear knowledgeable in an area where he obviously isn't is potentially extremely harmful.
Drop him like a hot rock.

[Sarasometimes]

I think you have a good handle on the situation and if continuing to see him helps keep you sober then it is wise for you to do so. I disagree that his lack of expertise in a complex gender issue brings into question his substance abuse skills. Clearly you are sober with him as your counselor, sounds very capable to me. Remember the saying "Don't throw the baby out with the dishwater". You could walk away and try to start with a new person but what is to say they will be better? Stay with what is working for you. Your sobriety is too important to change at this point. Congrats again on being sober.