I told my wife and it isn't going well.

[IamTara]

After some encouragement, I decided to tell my wife about my crossdressing. So far, it has been an utter disaster for me. At first she wouldn't even talk to me. She then just asked "why?". When I asked her what she meant by that, she said "why am I doing this to our family". I explained to her why I crossdress and how it all got started. She has since told me I am not allowed in our bedroom anymore and that I am to start sleeping in our guest bedroom. She said I need to seek therapy. She has called me a weirdo and wonders how I could do this to our daughters. I have told her that I am not gay, that I still want to be with her, and that I would do anything to be with her.

I don't know what to do. I am devastated at this point. I am going to lose everything.

[Jen92]

Tara, ok first thing is you have done the right thing to use this forum, where you will hopefully get plenty of support and advice. Keep calm. Sorry to hear it hasn't gone well. As far as you can see you have chosen to be honest to your wife as opposed to not being, so in my view you have done the right thing. In your post you haven't really said what you have revealed to her. We all have different needs from occasionally wearing of underwear all way through to full transition. What exactly did you tell her?
How strong was your relationship before? Have you supported her with issues in her life? What's her general attitude to life etc? How good a husband are you ? If you wish to open up more I think it will be easier for others to give you their best advice and support and no doubt there will be someone here with similar experience.

[IamTara]

I showed her a picture of me in a wig, with my breastforms in, with makeup on. I told her I only dress up occasionally. Which is true. I dress up weekly or less.

Our marriage can be rocky at times, but overall I like to think we are happy. I am a pretty good husband. I work hard at both of my jobs and support our family well.

I explained to her how my road started with me trying on a thong of hers and that I got excited by it. I told her how trying on a men's thong did not have the same appeal.

At one point, in the past, I joined a website for "singles" so I could locate crossdressers my area for advice on where to get clothes, local groups, etc. She found out, but thought I was having an affair. I alwayd denied having an affair or seeking to have an affair. I started off telling her by giving the truth about why I had the account. She has said she would rather have had me having/trying to have an affair rather than this.

[ElleStreet]

I think she's being pretty selfish here. I mean, you tell her your secret and her first reaction is to assume it's something you're doing solely to inconvenience her?(or your family). I hope you didn't actually sleep in the guest bedroom, she's free to not be accepting of your 'hobby' but that doesn't give her the right to tell you what to do. She has the problem here, not you. If she can't stand to sleep in the same room as you right now let her sleep In the guest bedroom.

Now on the other hand, even if she didn't dislike crossdressers, if I was her I would be very upset that I married a man who felt it was right to keep such a large divisive secret from me.

Why do you think you're going to lose everything? Maybe your wife but have you not raised your daughters to respect people like you?

[Robert]

Tara I'm terribly sorry to hear of your predicament.

I faced similar when my wife found a bunch of my stuff, and jumped to the conclusion I was having an affair. Explaining to her that I like to wear these clothes myself is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. And, a few years later it is no easier. The whole subject has become a no-go zone, and I think our marriage has been seriously fractured. It certainly different to what it was.

You have to realise that you have effectively thrown a hand grenade into your domestic situation. Your wife now has to adjust to a completely different reality. And, to some extent, you have dragged her into the closet with you. She might not want to deal with your proclivities, and she might not want to keep your secrets.

I wish I could give you the answer, but I can't. All I can say is the cat is now out of the bag, and both of you will need to deal with it.

Ultimately this is a test of your relationship.

[IamTara]

One of the worst things is I thought I could heal the wound of her thinking I was having an affair by showing her what the real situation is. Ultimately, if it means I get to stay with her, I will stop crossdressing. She(and my daughters) is my world. I literally fell in love with her the moment I met her. I will be lost without her.

[Jen92]

Ok what I would do is write her a very long letter. Make it clear how you feel about her and your family and provide reassurance that nothing will change regarding how much you love her or indeed any desire to transition. That you work hard, that you are faithful and all the other things a wife would expect a husband to me. Explain that your deep love and your embarrassment caused you to open up to her in hope she would love and support you with this extremely personal thing. Don't promise to stop as you are unlikely to be able to, but you may offer consideration as to her views e.g. My wife - not into CD sex. It's a lot to ask of her so approach it from her perspective, with caring, sensitivity, etc. Some men cheat, drink, gamble, do drugs, violent, lazy, sexual offenders, if you are none of these highlight this. That you don't want to embarrass her etc. Explain it's because you love and trust her you that you opened up.

I agree 100% you shouldn't move out of bedroom. If she insists on therapy then only agree if she does so also. She hasn't done anything wrong and neither have you. and it does take an amazing wife to fully accept. Leave her a small present with the note, (not a bribe) but perhaps something loving and thoughtful.

I agree 100% with other post you shouldn't be made to sleep in spare bedroom. Do other things that remind her that you are still an awesome father / husband. "Woo" her as you did when you first met.

[Julie MA]

Tara, her recommendation to seek counseling is an opportunity for you to go as a couple. A therapist experienced with CD topics could provide her a healthy perspective, allow you to understand your own feelings and needs in CDing, all in a refereed setting. My wife wants to go and I am all for it. She told me she most wants to go because she has no one to talk to about it. Doesn't want to, won't, share with anyone yet. Julie

[GretchenM]

Hi Tara,

I am so sorry this has happened. It is unfair and very difficult to deal with and, unfortunately, not that unusual. Your wife married a man who turned out to be only partly a man and the other part a woman. She is probably terrified by what this means. When I came out, after 44 years of marriage, my wife was not particularly supportive and was scared of what this could mean to our relationship. Quite honestly, going to therapy is a good suggestion. You may want to suggest that you both go to therapy, but that depends on her. Be careful with suggesting she go as well; only you can read her and decide whether that is a good idea or if it would make it worse. If she seems to expect only you go then I recommend going, but not to a family therapist but a gender therapist or someone who has a good deal of experience dealing with gender issues. If you have a local transgender support organization contact them and they can make some recommendations or they may offer some low cost therapy services. After I came out I went and it made all the difference in the world for me and for my wife. A bit later my wife decided to also go to the same place and see a different therapist who could help her deal with the new revelation and situation. My action to seek help showed her I was serious about finding a resolution for us and perhaps for my life long gender issues. I don't know what your crossdressing/transgender characteristics are, but I do not recommend promising to stop. You may not be able to do that without creating intense gender dysphoria which is a living hell in many ways. Agree to going to therapy but make no promises about stopping until you have met with the therapist and talked to him/her. In choosing a therapist, find someone you are comfortable with. I saw a woman who was younger than my kids. I am very comfortable being open with women in a way I would never be with a man. But that may not be you.
Today we are fine, but I can't say it is exactly like it was before. It can't be; the equation has changed. But she is accepting of Gretchen even though she has never met her face to face. She understands more and so do I. Unfortunately, your wife's insistence that you sleep elsewhere is effectively using "sex" as a weapon and that is not healthy for you or her. Once you have started therapy I suspect therapist will recommend you be gentle and show her your girl side through behavior rather than through dressing. But at the very least go to therapy if for no other reason than to help yourself and obtain advice as to how to approach the new equation in your marriage. It will demonstrate to her you are serious about finding a solution that will preserve the marriage. Keep in mind, you are not in the strong position; she is. If you try to fix it yourself she may well read that as just another male domination and control; most women these days are very sensitive to that and they at least dislike it or even hate it. Here in the US women are sick of that and with Donald Trump's behavior and election to president they feel very threatened. As women or part time women, we should feel threatened as well, maybe even more so. Take that into account when considering her reaction to actions you are considering. Go slow and be gentle.

xoxo
Gretchen

[natalie edwards]

You're not going to stop. Although you may be telling the truth when you promise you'll stop the reality is the urge will never stop. At some point you'll give in to the urge and then you " lied " again. Just be honest. For me it's not a constant need. It may at times be something I need/want once or twice a week or maybe once a month. Lately I've waited 2 years. Yeah not easy and the urges come and go but at some I just have to.

[Lydianne]

I'm sorry to hear that coming out to your SO isn't going well, but it is early days. Your SO's initial reaction was to be expected because it's typically not what a GG signs up for on her wedding day. You've torn that all down, but if CDing is an integral enough part of you, it might have had to have come to that anyway; either by deciding to come out or getting caught. It can be very difficult to stop cross dressing completely.

IMO, I think it is good you chose honesty instead of dressing up behind her back because getting caught would have lead to the same place but with additional trust issues. With you choosing to tell her, she knows at minimum that you are open and honest, which is a reasonable basis IMO.

The recovery will be a long process, and it will be done at her pace and to an extent that she is comfortable with. Make sure you are ready to communicate honestly and gently whenever she is ready to communicate.

In the meantime, there will be plenty of advice for you to consider from those that have been where you are now, and you might want to check out the sticky about the tips towards acceptance as written by a SO and added to by other SOs and CDers who have made the journey. I hope it will help you and your SO.

Best of luck for the future!

[nikkiwindsor]

Hi Tara,

I too am so sorry to hear about the difficulties you and your wife are experiencing. Everyone's situation is different and I don't have any suggestions beyond what has already been shared. My relationship with my wife has evolved over time and continues to grow each and every day. Over years, my wife has slowly become more accepting of my feminine psyche. She better understands that it is a part of who I am and I didn't have power or influence in the design of who I am - both male and female minded and spirited. Fortunately, we both love each other immensely and we want each other to be happy. So, we endeavor to be there for each other through thick and thin. Honestly, I can say that all of this has brought us closer together. Having conversations about how I truly feel and how she truly feels deep inside leads to an intimacy and a relationship that is beautiful, wonderful, challenging and certainly not easy for either of us. But, our love transcends all the difficulties.

We all hope everything works out over time for you and your wife and we're always here for you!

Nikki

[karynspanties]

Well this is unfortunately what happens when you tell your wife. I hear this a lot. Hindsight being what it is, maybe you should have tested the waters and brought up the subject of crossdressing and seen how she felt anout it BEFORE you told her of your dressing habits. A lot of women that find out that their manly husband, the one that they are attracted to likes to wear womens clothes......well they get turned off by that. Put the shoe on the other foot. Your very feminine wife, or so you think so one day out of the blue says she likes to dress as a man. I think most of us would be a bit in shock let alone imagining what she looks like dressed that way. So is she being selfish? Yes and no. She is in shock for sure. Just be ready for the marriage to end. If she kicked you out of the bedroom, is calling you names ad tells you that you need therapy......it maybe over already and your just not seeing it. Sorry to be blunt, but too many pink fog suggestions on this forum at times. I do suggest that you try and work things out, but your life together has been permanently changed and there is no going back, but I would also start the process of protecting myself legally.

[mykell]

i know its a little after the fact but you may find something relevant here:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...l-your-partner

i have never been told to sleep in the spare room but have used it on occasion having nothing to do with CD,
as far as seeking therapy i would assume she is sending you out to be fixed, we all know that wont work.

in the real world i attend p-flag meetings at a trans oriented group, what i like the most about it is that family, friends, as well as the trans individuals attend, so they have some peer to peer type of support outside of a professional venue. getting hugs from moms of and folks is satisfying when you felt you helped in even a small way. it may take some Persuasion on your part to get her to participate in any type of support or therapy. oh and she may attempt to look online for info so i would suggest using a transgender term vs. transvestite or crossdresser, the results that are pulled up on search engines vary and trans seems friendlier.

in the mean time after my reveal i just kept doing the things around the house that i normally did, even focused on the dreaded to-do list and accomplished as much as i could. let her come to me if she wanted new info and eventually i wrote her a letter and offered her a DADT situation which we are now out of but i think it helped her process and come to terms in her own time.

hope any of this may help, would suck to loose loved one this way....

[Robert]

I thought I could heal the wound of her thinking I was having an affair by showing her what the real situation is.

So, ultimately, she has to come to the realisation that her husband is not a cheating tomcat but is, instead, a deviant pervert?

That's a tough realisation. At least 'cheating tomcat' has some social acceptance.

[ElleStreet]

I think you're on the wrong site if you think crossdressing immediately makes one a deviant pervert

[Robert]

I think you're on the wrong site if you think crossdressing immediately makes one a deviant pervert

I don't think so. That's where we sit for a great many people.

A cheater they can handle. A man who dresses like a woman is way beyond understanding.

The OP said it themself. His/her wife would have preferred to find out they were cheating rather than cross dressing.

[Sara Jessica]

Yours is one of the quickest trajectories towards relationship oblivion I have seen in these pages.

In one day you have gone from "just starting CD'ing and will never tell wife" to previously getting "caught" on a dating site so you can troll for CD'ers and full disclosure to your wife.

Assuming you lurked here before posting for the first time, did you not read of what others have done? What has worked for anyone else is simply advice and not an indicator of what might work for you. I'm not seeing that you spent any time doing homework. Big hint, it wouldn't have been difficult to come to the conclusion that it is not a good idea to go sporting photos to the SO when making the disclosure. Nor was your anticipation for her to "meet" Tara, from another thread even remotely realistic.

I am going to tell her when I get off work in the morning. Perhaps, if our daughters go to their grandparents' house, I could introduce her to Tara tomorrow afternoon. I work tomorrow night, so I would have to go back to boy mode before I go to work. I am probably going to obsess about this all night.

This is quite the messy situation for which there are no easy answers. I think at this point you must be careful with forum advice because you clearly don't know how to filter in order to make rational decisions. You need to take a step back and find a way to do what no one has ever done to the best of my knowledge, to put the genie back inside the bottle.

Believe it or not, I have a lot of empathy for your situation. Just very little sympathy based on the fact this was entirely preventable. Best of luck to you going forward.

[ElleStreet]

Ahh, maybe you're right when you think of it from the wives perspective. I think the trouble is that a lot of people on this site have spouses who detest the idea of a crossdresser. Ive always thought you should have cleared up things like that before marriage y'know?

[Jenniferathome]

I showed her a picture of me in a wig, with my breastforms in, with makeup on. ...

WAY TOO MUCH TOO SOON!

Your mistakes have been made but do not compound them. Therapy is a great idea. Invite her to join you. SHe'll learn that cross dressing is not the bomb she thinks it is

[StephanieM]

Give it a few days, let her get over the shock then sit down and talk to her about it. I would guess that a lot of what she said was out of anger and feeling betrayed. As others have said maybe you both could go through counseling over this and salvage this. Your marriage will never be the same after this with a little luck and a hell of a lot of work it may end up being stronger, or it could go the other way. Try to be strong through this and do your best to let you know that you love her and are still the same guy she married. Be careful with making the promise to quit, that is a large check that your mind may not be able to cash.

Hopefully you can work this out and find a way she can live with it. I know exactly what you are going through about 15 years ago I went through something similar with my first wife.

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Ahh, maybe you're right when you think of it from the wives perspective. I think the trouble is that a lot of people on this site have spouses who detest the idea of a crossdresser. Ive always thought you should have cleared up things like that before marriage y'know?

Yes that is something that should be disclosed before marriage, I learned the hard way.

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

Tara i have been in your shoes.just under 6 yrs ago i dropped the bomb(telling my wife about Giselle)
and the s#@& hit the fan and in fact my wife had a nervous breakdown of sorts.
one week later to make matters worse our youngest son(then 21) was diagnosed with testicular
cancer, which you can imagine devastated my wife, oldest son and myself.( my son is now 5 1/2 yrs cancer free)
i hope your wife will be able to find fair research materials to explain crossdressing not the sexual type that will
show up first on google searches.
for 6 months our marriage was on the edge, eventually my wife found places like this one and talked to other wives of CD's
she has become tolerant of Giselle and comes to support events with me i do however not dress at home.
one thing for certain your marriage will never be the same and in my case my wife has lost any real sexual interest in me.
i can't blame her as i hid Giselle from her for 27 years.
i believe communication is the key and also an open mind.
the genie is now out of the bottle and i have only good wishes for you and your wife.

[trishacd]

Tell her you would be glad to go to therapy to relieve this burden. When you go the therapist will inform you the desire to dress never goes away. Your wife should be a lot more understanding. Its worth a try. She may end up helping you.

[Micki_Finn]

Ahh, maybe you're right when you think of it from the wives perspective. I think the trouble is that a lot of people on this site have spouses who detest the idea of a crossdresser. Ive always thought you should have cleared up things like that before marriage y'know?

For some of us the marriage came first so not exactly easy to "clear up" before the marriage.

[Aunt Kelly]

Jennifer's so right. Way too much and way to soon. Just the admission would be a huge shock to most spouses. Pictures, or suddenly appearing in the doorway, en femme, is a far, far bigger shock. There are lots of members here whose SO's are otherwise accepting but who never want to face their partner's femme self. My wonderful wife has known about Kelly Marie since before we were married. She is extremely accepting and supportive, but she is still uneasy about having Kelly Marie around, not because it's sick, offensive, or anything like that. It's because she sees risk there, to my career, our social status, etc. (we live in a very conservative part of the country). Those are reasonable fears for our SO's, so we must respect that.
As I suggested in my welcome post, put Tara away for a while and take time to "treat" that shock. That your wife suggested counseling is actually a good. While it's true that she may be "sending you out to be fixed", as Mikell so accurately puts it, we know you're not broken and there will come a time when your counselor should offer to teach that truth to your wife. Find a counselor qualified in gender issues. He or she will have been through this scenario many times and can advise better than anyone how to proceed. Don't involve your wife in this until your counselor suggests it.

Hugs,


Kelly