WHY questions???????????

[greeneyes]

I told my SO, I had a post brewing on this subject. I have been trying to construct it in my mind for a while now. I would post this just in the FAB forum, but to be honest, I never see hardly anyone in there. I think it is interesting that I read a lot of posts from CD’ers looking for the answer to the “why” question.
Why do I want to Crossdress?
Why do I want to feel like a woman?
Why am I like this? What made me this way?
Why can’t I stop?
I have my own “why” question…why do I seem to have a different reaction than most women to their SO’s cross dressing? I mean like deep down, really, REALLY different. I found out about my husbands CD-ing, a month before we got married. Not ONCE did I consider not going through with the wedding. I honestly don’t care if he cross dresses. I don’t care if he dresses with me, or without me, I don’t care if he buys things with me, or without me, I don’t care if he dresses in bed, (or on a train or in a boat, sorry that started to sound kind of Dr. Seuse-ish!!LOL)
So…I am sure you are wondering then why ask why? If it isn’t broke don’t fix it. Well, for one thing, I would really like to help other people accept this about their spouse, and I feel like I need to dissect my own feelings to try to share with them why they should not mind this activity. Why is this such a big deal? I want to scream “OPEN YOUR MINDS!!!”
I have had a really difficult life. I know a lot of people say that, but when I tell others’ of the things I have gone through, they usually are in disbelief that that much horrible crap could happen to one person!!!
A few of the horrible things ( and trust me, this is a consolidated list) is:

*My CD husband….stayed with me after my son had a horrible accident and was seriously injured with life threatening injuries, just months after we started dating (again since High school) He was in the hospital almost five months. Most men would have RAN FOR THE HILLS!!!!
*I was sexually molested as a child by a sibling.
*My mother was a raging alcoholic and was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive to me.
*My first husband cheated on me with a family member WHILE WE WERE TRYING TO CONCEIVE and got HER pregnant! ….yea nuff said about that!
*My second husband went mentally insane during our marriage, I left, and was in hiding when he attacked me in front of our children with a knife.
I know these things give me a different perspective on what is acceptable in a marriage..but geez!! Do these other SO’s have no secrets? No Issues? No Insecurities? Do they not have things that need to be considered? Are they not victims of some kind of abuse that needs consideration….do they not have any kind of kink? Or personality traits that could cause pause? Do they not have their own form of self expression?
When you have a marriage…it is two people coming together…AS THEY ARE-accepting each other and promising to stand next to one another! ISN’T THAT THE FREAKING POINT??????
OKAY, I get it, this(CD’ing) is a little out of the box, BUT is it one of the FORBIDDEN FOUR A’S?
ABANDONMENT?
ABUSE?
ADULTERY?
ADDICTION?
I want to offer perspective.
Is this just a way for SO’s to have power?
If it is not the 4 A’s shouldn’t it be open negotiation?


I know people are going to TEAR ME UP for this, but here is my WHY question……WHY do I think this is really no big deal?? Is it? In the big scheme of things?

[Dana44]

Wow greeneyes, well said, I have a GF that accepts me for me. I went though a lot of relationship and had a lot of problems like you did. However I found a good soul and am happy with her and yes I crossdress and am gender fluid and a bit non binary. But in the scheme of things I accept her as she has some metal issues but is really good to me and has never said an abusing word. She goes to the VA and has support from there. But I found a gold nugget and she is great.

[Micki_Finn]

I think I'm gonna hold my tongue on this and let the rest of the community respond.

[ClosetED]

I am sorry for what you had to go through. I know another prominent GG here has also a hard life - maybe that helps put things into perspective that other GGs lack.
That there are much worse things in life and having a loving, devoted human who you can bring happiness to, is all that matters.
While the FAB section would be best, maybe those who have a supportive SO can chime in here if that SO also had a rough past life?
Hugs, Ellen

[Meghan4now]

Greeneyes,

First off, I see no reason that anyone would tear you up. It's a great post. Second off, they'll have to go through Joni and me first!

Wow, you HAVE had some rough experiences. And I typically see two reactions to a life like that. One is to build a huge wall and be cynical, the other is to do what you have done, and learn what is important in life, and see value and beauty where it exists. Frankly, I think you get it so much more because of your experience.

I think that so much of people's prejudices are just based in fear and ignorance. We fear what wh don't know, and default to what we've been taught when in doubt. It's easy. For most it is the fear of what others think, of rejection, all the way to harm. We imagine the worst, which may never come to pass. And there is enough input and examples to duel this fire.

But you've been there, you know the danger because you faced it. Cross Dressing? That's nothing. A man with a knife, now THAT'S a problem.

So we what to know why, because everyone else questions it. It's our way of defending ourselves. And maybe if we know why, we can do "something" about it. Maybe we think if we know why, then we are in control of our selves. But control is more of an illusion than we realize.

[pinklilly211]

WOW!!! This should REALLY BE A STICKIE!!!!

[Princess Chantal]

Why you don't think it is a big deal...... perhaps because you are emotionally attracted to him as an individual despite his gender presentation.

[Tracii G]

Greeneyes If I were in the same room I would give you a big hug and say thank you for saying what you did in your post.
More GG's need to stop worrying about themselves and at least try to look at gender issues and CDing from their SO's side.
I have been thru violent situations and witnessed pretty horrific things and I'm thankful to just be alive so gender issues seem trivial in comparison.
Gender issues are important but not something you can't work thru with your spouse or SO.
GGs that loose it over their man wearing a piece of womens clothing have serious issues IMO.

[TrishaLake]

I had a similar life as you but as a guy. If you ask me, I think if you have a hard life you appreciate things more and can look past the window dressing. If you have someone that loves you and wants to be with you who cares...like you said. I feel the same way about my wife, but she doesn't always see it the same way.

[Helen_Highwater]

Greeneyes,

No one should have to experience abuse as you did. It does seem that it has helped form your perspective on life and what's truly important and I say that without in any way seeking to down play those events it in some way formulated your views on life.

From my perspective I would ask of any SO who rails against their CD'ing partner, okay tell me just how his dressing has adversely affected your life? Did the cost of crude oil go up, did the stock market collapse, food in the supermarkets get more expensive? If the answer is no, which it will be, how has this knowledge adversely affected your life. If as Greeneyes posts, you accept it for what it is, it's probably as significant as someone switching loyalty in an election year.

At this point I need to be honest. I'm deeply, deeply in the closet. So why, if all it takes is such a simple argument to ensure the continued stability of my relationship with my SO, do I not out myself? Why, because people don't always respond to the most logical of arguments. Heart rules head. Logic does not always prevail. Hence I haven't the courage of my convictions as I fear the potential loss so greatly.

I believe that as a closet CD'er I have never done something that has materially affected our relationship. There are some that will argue it's akin to having an extra marital relationship, cheating. Or that it's just a down right lie. Technically it's not a lie I've never been asked do you CD but that's being pedantic, splitting hairs. I truly believe that where we are in our relationship now is where we would be if I'd never put on a pair of tights or knickers. We would both be the same people.

So this brings us back to Greeneyes point. In reality what makes an SO balk at the news of her spouse CD'ing isn't the true impact it has on their lives more the perception of society that such activities are wrong, in the same way being gay was considered wrong. What really counts is just how well a partner treats their SO. If all was well before then what's really changed? It wasn't broke so why fix it. As I said, heart doesn't always rule head.

So this brings us back to Greeneyes point.

[Acastina]

Put me in the give-you-a-hug-first queue with Tracii. Thanks so much for opening up here. It means a lot that you want to ask honest questions and actually know the answers; that's the opposite of prejudice.

I think some people who suffer traumatic events, especially multiple ones such as you have, go in one of two or three directions.

They can withdraw into anger and cynicism and resentment (why did life do all of this to me?) and live out pretty miserable lives in which they're unhappy with themselves (maybe blame themselves as well) and unable to form healthy relationships with others, whether simply friendships or intimate relationships. They do not love themselves and can't really love others.

They can escape into drink and drugs and reckless behaviors, become fatalistic and give up on ever making the most of life. These lives are tragic and often end all too early.

Or, they can accept that they've survived all of that, after all, and still want to search for goodness and kindness and happiness by digging deep inside and finding a well of courage that I think we all have, if only we would look for it and embrace it. That sounds like you.

I can tell you this: if you have a male SO who crossdresses and you want to love him and forge a strong bond, it's right there in front of you. He has been dealing with one of the most horrific curveballs that our gendered human existence can throw at anyone, and if he's lovable and good to you, you guys are rounding third and headed for home.

My wife of 13 years was sexually abused by her father when she was very young, and it affected her approach to bonding and sex and just about everything, but she is smart and strong and good-hearted in the extreme; she overcame it. Her first husband fathered their two wonderful middle-aged sons, but neither of them has much use for his overbearing, know-it-all, contrary personality. Her second husband became a crossdresser in his 50s, which is very unusual, and was involving her in his gay fantasies in a way that was really abusing her good nature. They raised her sons and his son together from elementary-school age, but she was near the end of her rope when I entered their lives through the Yahoo CD group he was leading with her administrative help.

In me, she found a middle-aged woman whom she knew to be biologically male, someone who was not in the Yahoo group looking for a wife, and somehow we fell in love. She had questions. We talked for hours with the candor that advanced age encourages. Two years after we met, we tied the knot in front of a half-dozen friends and have never looked back. I am fluid, willing to present a male persona as needed, but she knows where my heart is and cuts me enormous slack.

The "whys"? Most likely prenatal hormonal anomalies that mis-wire our brains. Some get a little mis-wired, some get totally mis-wired. Some get their gender identity centers mis-wired, some get their sexual orientation centers mis-wired, and some get both. It is the only biological hypothesis that explains how this behavior happens and why there are so many variations. So we can't help being like this. But we do have considerable ability to understand it and accept it and make sound choices in meaningful lives despite it.

I think there are dozens, hundreds, of members here who wish their SOs were as willing to try to understand and go forward as you are. Welcome.

[Kandi Robbins]

It is no big deal, I couldn't agree with you more. The problem is (as you know so very well), life isn't that simple. There are all kinds of layers that make this issue different for so many different people. One thing (and I was certainly guilty of this), many of us keep or kept this part of us a secret. Therefore, many spouses feel that something was withheld from them. That, and not the CDing, is what I feel the most guilt about (and my wife could not be more accepting). I hid a big part of myself from my wife for a very long time. Anyway, what do I know.

[AllieSF]

Besides the rare "against my religious beliefs" reason, I think that the majority of negative reactions are because of the SO's own insecurities, including what will others think. Having to deal with real bad situations, as others have already said, helps one be better able to separate the wheat from the chaff and focus on what is important. I understand the need to get over the initial shock and all. However, if they still say that they love their CD partner, then it is their obligation, yes, obligation, to make every effort to try to understand their CD and to make the marriage work. No, they do not have to stay in that relationship, but before they decide to make the other's life miserable, they owe it to that love to try.

[Kate T]

Do you really want to know the biggest reason "Why?". It is actually fairly simple. You had a choice. You chose to stay. You weren't coerced, you weren't forced, you weren't tricked by your partner saying they could give up, you could have easily left (you have already shown your ability to do that previously in your life) but you chose to stay. Everything else after that is just you taking responsibility for that choice.

Don't get me wrong, you are obviously strong, resilient, responsible, caring. And all of those qualities that you have and more have helped you in dealing with consequences of that choice to stay. Just remember though for various reasons many partners never got a choice and this can be horribly disempowering.

[Gabby6790]

This is a great post and I wish I could show it to my SO. There are so many worse things in life but I am not sure that will matter.

I know my SO and she has problems seeing anything but the worst in things. And I have dealt with some BAD things in our relationship. But maybe CDing is why I put up with them.

Regardless, it sounds like you are fairly enlightened and see things as they are. Others have been taught by society to think we are weird and my experience is a lot of women want MEN. Manly Men.

[AllieSF]

Kate, I agree with you. The insecurities that I mentioned include the possible need to start a new life separated and that can be very scary for a mature woman. A choice she may not be prepared to take. In this case, by reacting negatively they are actually increasing the possibility of a future separation because they may be creating additional friction and problems by their own inability to try to look at the situation in a more mature manner. A sad vicious circle for all.

[Sallee]

great post I will take issue with the 4 A. CDing could be called an addiction. since so many of us have tried to stop and then we go right back to it. As addictions go it isn't so bad and I tend to warn other CD's when they get an accepting SO to not go crazy and to keep the CDing in perspective with the rest of their life.
I know that I have had days where I just wanted to dress very badly and couldn't and there are other days when I dress and I don't get into it at all and feel ridiculess.
Green eyes thanks for your post

[Kate T]

Please just be a little cautious Allie about the unconscious judgement that can come across particularly in your last post. "Insecurities" and looking at the situation in a "more mature manner" are actually quite insulting as a woman. Those insecurities that you talk about are far from it, they are often very real and significant concerns regarding the health, well being and safety of the woman and her loved ones. If a woman makes the choice to leave then where will she live? What will happen to her children? How will she get them to school if the family only has one car? How will she pay for them to go to school? How will she get to work safely? How will she get home safely? Who will look after her children when she is at work and they are at home? What about her pets? What will she do with them? How will she access money if she does not have her own accounts? Should she lie to people, to family and friends when they ask her why she left her husband in order to protect his right to privacy? All these concerns and many more arise. They are far from insecurities, they are very real threats and dangers to her and her loved ones.

Now not all men are assholes and very few of even the rabid misogynists would physically harm her or her loved ones. Nor are women immune to doing things like emptying bank accounts or changing locks on doors. I have however seen innumerable threads on this forum urging members to protect their assets in response to a partner appearing to be at the point of leaving. A majority of physical and sexual abuse is instigated by men against women. These are statistics and unfortunately they do not lie.

So the women who does not leave a relationship despite not being happy doesn't necessarily do so because she is insecure or immature. She is in all likelihood concerned about the very real possibility of putting at risk the physical safety of herself and her loved ones. That isn't a choice.

[jennifer0918]

A lot of SO don't understand CDing not because of the four A's ,or for fear of the four A's but more because they think CDing is about the Big G, a lot of gg that I speak to always say how can someone be straight and wear womans clothing ,or dress like a woman and be into girls

[Lacey New]

Greeneyes,
The last thing in the world that I would do would be to tear you up in any way. You have certainly been through a lot and I am happy for you that you have found a person who cares for you. I also admire your perspective. Are us crossdressers a bit unusual? Yes, of course we are. And it takes someone with an open mind and heart to accept us as we are. Thank you for you being you.

[Jenniferathome]

My wife doesn't think it's a big deal. It's just a thing. Maybe you are not so different

[Becky Blue]

Wow Greeneyes you have certainly had more than your share of heartache, perhaps that gives you a much better perspective on what is important.

In many cases the fear of fear can be bigger than the actual fear, so perhaps some are scared of the unknown, scared of being seen as married to someone weird or different, perhaps they fear ridicule from peers, all of these fears are nothing compared to what you have been through. But maybe people who have had much less trauma in their lives could see their crossdressing husbands as one of the worst things that has happened to them. The classic lament, I married a man.

Also the fear that their husband will change and want to be a woman and a man who dresses sometimes.

[pamela7]

why do you think this is no big deal? You married the person, you love the person, nothing else matters. Your 4A's define the rules for yourselves as a couple. I could start a dodgy debate about how many folks married the right person for the right reasons, but for me, love is all there is, the only good reason, and one robust enough to get us through.

[Samantha_Smile]

Do these other SO’s have no secrets? No Issues? No Insecurities? Do they not have things that need to be considered? Are they not victims of some kind of abuse that needs consideration….do they not have any kind of kink? Or personality traits that could cause pause? Do they not have their own form of self expression?
When you have a marriage…it is two people coming together…AS THEY ARE-accepting each other and promising to stand next to one another! ISN’T THAT THE FREAKING POINT??????

In an earnest attempt to answer this bit in particular.
Greeneyes, you would be surprised to learn of just how sheltered and naive some people are.
A line from an old Vandals song springs to mind "If life could be like they see it on TV, they wouldn't have to hurt so bad" (Too much Drama, The Vandals).
People often grow up with a television that raises them. All of their world perspective is transmitted to them, edited and perfected. Scripted and played out.
Rarely will any TV drama show any couple stay together when the going gets tough.
It's always divorce, disease or death (Three Ds for your four As).
People seem to forget that the vows you make don't only apply "as long as it suits you".
The whole idea of marriage (at least to me) is to stay with it even through the challenges.
Because ultimately, when you triumph over adversity, especially together, you only grow together, as a team, as friends and lovers.
And yeah, that takes an open mind, but that's what most media is terrified of you developing.
A mind outside the herd. Because if you can think for yourself, then they can't tell you what you should do.
They can't tell you which medication to buy, which makeup to wear, which insurance to carry...

Maybe I've gone a little far here.

I'm happy you can approach this with an open mind and love.
You're a good woman.
Don't let the *******s get you down xx

[SarahleeNH]

Hugs from me as well, Greeneyes! Your post was such a delight to read this morning! My wife is a treasure, and i would do nothing to put life with her in jeopardy. While she doesn't understand my attraction to all things feminine (as most such adornments don't interest her much at all), she is also totally supportive and a totally committed partner in life. We have always been open and honest about everything, except this. Other than perhaps 4 or 5 stolen hours in our 20+ years together did I allow my desire to dress become manifest. About 5 years ago a crossdressing character appeared on a TV series we started watching together and it spurred the diclosure. She was immediately supportive, explaining that although she didn't understand the desire, it didn't matter to her. Our only concern was that my dressing should never be allowed to put a wall up between our son, daughter-in-law, and our grandchildren. Your support for your SO is so beautiful, and this thread you started has brought me near to tears. Thank you for posting your story.