Telling or not telling the wife

[Tamsin Secret]

Teresa,

I'm sorry to hear it's not as good as you may of hoped for and to be honest is a sobering thought when I consider what the outcome could be for me should I choose to tell.

The question is although I carry all these questions with me and their associated effects on my mantra I could, by telling, make things worse not only for myself but also those I love most.

I'm not going to sugarcoat my CD tendancies with tales of how I'm more of a CD than anyone else because quite frankly I don't think I am. Sure I started dressing when I was V young but couldn't tell you why to this day either. I get a huge thrill out of how I look when I dress wether it from simply being in a pair of heels or as this phase has taken me to fully dressed with some make up play and venturing outside. But, and this is where I wouldn't want to be judged, I couldn't tell for definite that if I did confide in the person I love the most that it wouldn't have the opposite effect and it slowed the dressing down.

Again I'm thinking out loud but I suppose the point is that telling could be the best or worst thing I ever or never do.

[Becky Blue]

Lacey, has your wife ever mentioned it since? In my experience if women are concerned about something it tends to come up in conversation eventually.

Elizabeth, did your wife find out my mistake? what was her reaction?

Meghan, its that classic problem if I knew then what I know now.... that is exactly my issue, because Becky only emerged after more than 15 years of marriage, at what stage does one decide to tell (if ever)

Teresa, you are in a tough spot, DADT can be a major issue if your feelings intensify.

MissSecret, i feel for you, the risk with telling is you can't untell, once it is said you are then dealing with the consequences of that action, not something to do lightly.

Emma, of course you are entitled to your view, but relationships are complex and sometimes keeping a secret is the better option for some people.

I agree 100% MissSecret, I am caught in the same situation, I have told my wife a little bit, but for a range of reasons have chosen not to tell more. On one level I would love to share, but at times I think I am being selfish and as I am happily living with my duality and why do I need to bring unnecessary pain and suffering to her life?

[Judy-Somthing]

I'm kind of on the same boat.
About six weeks ago when my wife found my 3" sz. 13 pumps she asked what I was up to?

I told her I started dressing up when I was eight, dressed up with friends as a teen and now and then since we've been married.

I told her I would put on a dress and makeup.

She didn't tell me to get rid of anything but said she could imagine what the dresses look like.

We haven't talked about it since. I don't know if it's an official DADT but I think it is.

[Stacy Darling]

I should have joined and read the Forum earlier. I told my wife only 2 days ago. I was feeling Super confident and without putting a lot of thought into it, I let that Super confident Woman out.
I'm confident we'll get through this, but at the moment I'm emotionally and physically bruised and battered "Not so pretty now".

Hope to learn a lot from you Girls in the future. xxx

[Becky Blue]

Stacy, I hope you get it all sorted out, can you share what happened?

[Lacey New]

Becky @127 and MissSecret @123
The topic has come up from time to time, yes and I would test the waters agin. There have been several times that I have ben shopping with her in outlet malls and we would go into the Vanity Fair Outlet. I would point out the lace trimmed nylon briefs that I favor. So she would purchase a few pair and wear them but never drawing a connection that I might want to wear them as well. Also, when Caitlyn Jenner came out, my point of view was that it was harmless, it was his / her life and so what? Enjoy. Again, the reaction was - Well, it's just too weird.

[Elizabeth G]

Elizabeth, did your wife find out my mistake? what was her reaction?

Hi Becky,

Yes, my wife found out by accident. We were about to leave on our way to meet friends and then go on a week long vacation. She went into my car to get my jacket when she found a bra that had fallen out of a bag earlier in the day. I had exactly three minutes to explain it to her before we met our friends, went to dinner, jumped on a plane etc. We had no private time to discuss the issue for about 18 hours during which time she had to act like there was nothing wrong.

We are very slowly working through this and I'm optimistic about our marriage, but it has been a strain. We have started seeing a therapist and I feel it has gone well so far. My gut feel at this point is that we'll likely end up in some form of DADT but at least she is now aware of my dressing and I don't stress about her finding my stash or when / how / if I should tell her.

The biggest issues for her are the deceit and the fact that she has now been thrust into the closet and has no one to talk to.

Please feel free to ask any questions you want - perhaps something good can come out of my experiences.

Beth

[phili]

From my man training, I am sure every problem has a solution. This one does, too- but the solution is not the one we or our spouses want- more than the DADT solution we have. The structural problem is that two people can get married and have a pretty good life without actually sharing some deeply important things. We develop families and social networks that don't include our identities as we feel them in a more complete way. We have been doing this for years, so it is no surprise they would require highly disruptive changes to try to reset, with a negligible likelihood of success.

That said, we try, we go to counseling, we put out trial balloons to see if somehow our SO is softening her stance- and with few exceptions it doesn't work. The few exceptions give us hope, and we meter out our trial balloons according to our SO's willingness to see them. It is perfectly logical to give up and figure that we created a closet existence, and we have to live with that, uncomfortably, but the alternative is even more uncomfortable. Yet we will hope, every day, that something might change.

I've played some cards, like making up a story so that if the neighbors see me dressed they have a reason that seems normal enough, and it is defensible so my wife didn't make it into a point of all or nothing conflict. That said, she is depending on me not to inflict crossdressing on her except when I am desperate. I have promised and am trying to see if I can find other ways to satisfy the longings and that is making some bit of progress. I am honoring my commitment to her and if that requires some suffering I am ok with that. I have framed my crossdressing as gender experimentation, and I am trying different things to see what helps- what compromises aren't too bad, etc. What different factors surface to drive me back to crossdressing, etc. That is part of my commitment to her and I know enough not to make a single issue the basis for upending our life together. I'm also seeing that she is more vulnerable than I- it is so deeply upsetting to her that it makes crossdressing a very mixed blessing for me, and helps me appreciate the magnitude of the small acceptances she makes.

[Becky Blue]

Phili, you seem to be in a decent place with your wife and your high level of respect for her feelings is obviously a key to keeping a happy marriage. But I have to disagree with your initial comment... I do not believe that there is a solution to every problem. Maybe thats my more female brain, but I don't think there are solutions to many problems. You have reached a spot of compromise with your wife, where its probably not ideal for either of you but its acceptable for both. In my opinion with goodwill and respect for the other persons position, a compromise can usually be reached.