joanne,
Deep and realistic questions you ask. Asking the right questions is always a start towards personal growth. For me, I had to go into a deep self examination process, particularly from a Spiritual perspective. I have achieved greater self understanding the past six months or so. I have a long way to go, including reopening honest and loving discussion with my wife. I will have the right words at the right time.
Reality versus fantasy is important to discern. Actual transformation for me has been life changing. I have learned I am gender fluid, classic non-binary: deep need to express both as full blown male, and....female to balance and be whole and complete and happy. I have shared myself with several close friends recently and only received love and support. My wife remains to be seen: I came out to her a decade ago and it was a roller coaster that finally ran out of steam, priority and focus due to a cascade of other life events.
Be patient and loving with yourself. Avoid perfectionism.
