Is keeping a secret too much to ask from someone?

[ellje]

Hi everyone!

Context: I've been crossdressing since around puberty and have been gradually getting better at it; I'm 30 now. I have never told/talked to anyone I know about it other than with people I've met online from the other side of the world. I'm currently in a relationship (6 months in) with the most amazing girl with whom I can actually see myself being with for good. By all accounts she seems really into me too, lol. I don't wish to keep secrets from her, and would like to share this side of me with her. I've also read many sad stories of secrets blowing up many years into an otherwise good relationship, and generally agree with the advice that disclosure should come sooner rather than later.

My question: Would telling her, and expecting that she keep it a secret be too much to ask? Perhaps my optimism is unwarranted, but my main worry is not that she would react badly necessarily, but that she would feel burdened by having to keep this admittedly odd secret from her friends. I realize that the fact that I would like it to remain it a secret in the first place stems from a sense of shame. Whether that shame is misplaced or not... I haven't fully decided. It would just be easier if nobody else knew!

What do you gals think?

[Lana Mae]

Since reactions can vary so much and you know her much better than we do, you really need to answer your own question! Get on the subject of the LGBTQ+ and see how she reacts and go from there! Just my $.02! Hugs and best wishes Lana Mae

[Joanne108]

Well there is Halloween coming up. You might want to use the holiday to start a conversation. Maybe suggest that it might be fun to do a gender reversal themed couples costumes. Then go from there.

[Jaylyn]

My advice is she should know before you get in to far and have the discussion. If she loves you it won't matter much but if she blows a gasket and throws things at you your better off now than when your fully committed. I would tell her there is a soft side to you and go from there. Soft as in your feelings and you wanted her to know because you love her too much to let this side of you be an issue later. Just tell her your not any less a man than before but you just enjoy the CDng and that's all there is to it, unless that's not all. This is just me telling you what I would do. You really know her better and you have to do what you want and is best for her also.

[FrankieB]

So, it is basically an issue of her being able to keep a secret, not you telling her.
Well, once you do, you'll find out what sort of person she is. And if she tells anyone else, you can always remain closeted and deny it. But better the truth with a partner than having an issue, such as hiding your alternative wardrobe etc

[Kayliedaskope]

Having a secret and keeping a secret are two different things. Of course it would be nicer to keep things a secret, but then are you being honest to yourself? Many stories of shame and guilt abound here ... you have to decide whether or not it can enhance your life or destroy it. Do you want to go out as a woman, or are you okay with doing it at home? And as others have said, will she support you or run away? The only one who knows that answer is you.

[aprilgirl]

You see the need to be accepted for "all of you", and she has every right to know. It's noble that you're concerned over her having to keep a secret, but based on your optimism and outlook as a couple, perhaps it's a secret you two can share. You can express your desire to have that kept between you, and hopefully she understands. It could be that her acceptance and support will eradicate the shame you sense. Trust your judgement, and do what you feel is right. Kim

[Micki_Finn]

If this was just a friend or someone you were casually dating, I’d tell you to consider very carefully. However, you’re in a relationship, and presumably a fairly serious one if you’ve been going out for 6 months. Isn’t keeping each other’s secrets a big part of any relationship? Only you can say how serious it really is. I find it interesting that you don’t seem worried about her reaction. You need to realize that if you do tell her and she freaks out and leaves, all bets on confidentiality are off.

[alesha]

When I first told my wife (we were just starting to date seriously at the time) I didn’t except her to keep it totally secret but I didn’t want her to let everyone know either. She never told her parents but she confided in her closest girl friends (one of whom was a mutual friend). I must say that I was a little bothered by that but in the end it helped her figure things out. Surpingsingly a couple of the girls said that it was no big deal and they knew a few guys that liked to wear panties and one of the girls even dated a guy like that. I came out to my wife as a TS and not a CD.

Like others have said, only you know what she’s like and whether or not she’s the sort to babble to everyone. Regardless, if she’s the one for you, you need to tell her.

[Leslie Langford]

Shame? What shame, even if your girlfriend (consciously or unconsciously) feels the need to share this information concerning your crossdressing proclivities with someone...and likely one of her posse, as women typically share EVERYTHING when it comes to relationships and all manner of personal information. It's the way their brains are wired, as in their world, it is all about friends, families, and relationships, everything else is secondary, and all this over-sharing for emotional support is what generally gets them through the day...especially when accompanied by a glass of wine (whine?) .

Shame for you, her, or both? Hardly. Remember, this is 2017 and like you, your girlfriend is likely 30-something-ish as well. That includes being a confident, thoroughly modern and liberated woman who is all about equality of the sexes. You two are part of a generation that is open-minded, generally accepting of all manner of diversity, likely LGBT supportive if not downright friendly, and for whom the concept of being transgender is not so foreign and unlikely to elicit a negative reaction either. So go for it - what's to lose except potentially years of the type of unsatisfying DADT relationships that many of us here are burdened with.

I - and many others here - envy the members of your generation and their openness to new ideas and experiences. Those of us who came of age in the 1950's, '60's, and '70's (i.e. the Mad Men era) didn't have access to an internet to make our connections with like-minded others, or even the vast educational resources available there. We were left totally adrift in trying to come to grips with what these strange feelings that we were being subjected to were all about or where they came from, and we certainly couldn't talk to anyone else about them. I don't think the word "transgender" even existed back then, and we weren't even "crossdressers" yet - we were "transvestites", along with all the negative connotations which that clinical term entailed.

In short, most "normal" people considered us to be a pathetic collection of perverts, and perhaps only one step removed from sexual predators and/or child molesters in their eyes. Naturally, our girlfriends, future wives and SO's had been indoctrinated by the same negative propaganda given the societal mores of the day, so of course, we remained deep in the closet and many of us had to settle for DADT relationships so as not to rock the boat unduly with respect to our partners and our families...never mind any negative fallout in the workplace on top of all that.

This is not your reality in today's world. The Earth will not stop spinning on its axis if you either come out on your own, or else word of your love of crossdressing happens to leak out. If anything, you will likely be congratulated by others for having the courage to be your authentic self. As former U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt would have said in your case "You have nothing to fear, but fear itself."

[IleneD]

To paraphrase Ben Franklin, the only way for 2 men to keep a secret is to ensure one of them is dead.
Now, I don't advocate that kind of extreme but it's a reminder that once your secret goes beyond the boundary of You, it is free to roam about. It can roam wildly, gently meander, or run amok crashing into everything. Once it's out, you no longer control it.
Only YOU can determine if this woman will respect YOU and your privacy, feelings and status. That's the big question. Does she respect you enough to keep this between the 2 of you and do it without being instructed or told to do it? You need to be the judge of that. It is always a risk.
I do support your notion that you reveal this side of you BEFORE you fully engage in a serious committed relationship. It is so much easier to sort out your life together, it seems. Later In Life disclosures are a shock to the entire system

[Territx]

Yep -- this is one of those "being a grownup" moments . . . where you have to make the decision based upon the information you have (I seem to have way to many of those ). I think the easing into a conversation about the concept/topic and/or Halloween approaches would give you some additional information and insight. In the end, you have to decide if you can live with the consequences (good or bad) and then once decided, just move forward to the "next grownup moment". :2c:

[Bobbi46]

If you are looking at a long term partnership/marriage you have to tell her as a matter of principal keeping secrets never works and always come back to bite you in the butt when you least expect it. So yes tell her but approach on a softly, softly way ease her into the fact that you cd. Hiding it from her completely spells trouble later.

[MsDyann]

My experience has been its best to tell them before it gets too serious. I have been married twice and told them both before we talked a future. The first wife took it well and seemed to be ok with it. 4 years into our life she found a man, older with what she called more drive to succeed. It didnt hurt he was already rich. To my knowledge she never told anyone. Then when I met my current wife 39 years ago I told her on about our 5th date and she must have been ok with it as she still buys me outfits or shoes or whatever she thinks I might like. So my advice is tell her before you plan a future.

Luv to all DyAnn

[NicoleScott]

I suggest telling her you have a secret you would like to share with her, and ask for her promise to keep it a secret between just the two of you before revealing it. That has nothing to do with her reaction, acceptance or not, but just deals with your request for privacy.

[LeannS]

Ellje You have to tell her and bring her up to speed on what your doing otherwise if and when you reach that moment of being together and she finds out what you have been doing it is not good. You have been lying to her and not being truthful with her she will resent you for it. Take it from someone that knows first hand like many of us here.

Good luck

Leann

[Kayliedaskope]

Suggestion: have a "date night" at home, and maybe watch a movie that involves cross dressing or transgender themes, such as "To Wong Fu" or perhaps "The Crying Game," or maybe just some old "Bosom Buddies" episodes. Ask her what she thinks of that, men wearing women's clothes. (If you want to be a little sneaky, buy some women's jeans to wear around her. Chances are she won't even notice until you point it out to her, especially if you get the plain pocket boot-cut jeans - mine still hasn't noticed my Gloria Vanderbilt's during the past month.).

I can't tell you what her reaction will be - she'll either flip out or be accepting / accomodating - but you WILL need to have The Talk sooner or later. Otherwise, what will you do when (not if) she finds your stash? "How long have you been hiding this from me?" will be the first salvo, usually followed by, "Are you gay?" She may feel that since you hid this from her for so long, what else are you hiding? On the opposite end, she might be a CD'er's dream and be accepting and supportive of this, too. Only you know how her moods are, how she thinks and acts, so you have to judge when the time is right.

[Gillian Gigs]

Topic headline, is keeping a secret too much to ask from someone...YES, it is too much to ask! Secrets are kept by people who are trust worthy and you have come to know over time. You start with little things and grow to bigger things as time passes.

Revealing your CD nature is done by gauging the other individual based on what has already happened in said relationship.

[audreyinalbany]

I"m not sure I buy into this whole argument of 'burdening her with sharing your secret." There are many things that are personal between a husband and wife, or between partners & that doesn't necessarily mean that there is some kind of terrible cross they are forced to bear. If your SO enjoyed anal, would you necessarily have to share that with everyone? Probably not. My wife and I have lots of friends and, honestly, we don't know all the details about their personal lives. & I think this notion that 'women share everything' with their girlfriends is bu**sh** . Maybe when they're 17 they do, but not once maturity sets in.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Topic headline, is keeping a secret too much to ask from someone...YES, it is too much to ask! Secrets are kept by people who are trustworthy and you have come to know over time. You start with little things and grow to bigger things as time passes.

Revealing your CD nature is done by gauging the other individual based on what has already happened in said relationship.

I agree. I think the big problem is if she tells someone and he/she tells someone ...

[docrobbysherry]

Ellje, the answer is, "Yes". Telling her will be a burden. And, she won't keep it a secret if she's serious about u. She'll tell her best friend, or mom, or sister, etc. Because she'll need advice on what she's getting into! So, if u tell her, u better do it when u have the time to discuss it fully and answer her questions as best u can! And, explain she's ok to ask u about anytime in the future.

Knowing that, should u tell her? U have to, because u want to be with her. U don't have to burden your mom, sis, or friends with the knowledge of your dressing, but u do a potential SO. Because they aren't going to be around when u dress. But, if things go well, she will!

[Pat]

My question: Would telling her, and expecting that she keep it a secret be too much to ask?

Yes and no. Your secret is you are a crossdresser. If you tell her, she'll never tell your secret. But she may tell her own secret -- that her boyfriend is a crossdresser. Her secret is based on your secret, but it's not yours. She has a right to tell her secret. Just saying.

[Tracii G]

6 months in to the relationship is not enough time to really know her IMO.
She owes you nothing at this point if you tell her your secret because you are still getting to know each other.
She may not like it and break up with you and tell everyone so the choice is yours.
You might think you know her even years into the relationship but I am sure she has secrets she would never tell you.
You should be honest and tell her about your CDing and you can ask her to keep it a secret but don't be surprised if she tells a friend.
6 months is hardly enough time to really know a woman.
You might feel you could go long term with her but maybe she doesn't feel the same way right now.

[NancySue]

I’m with Tracii...go very slowly. I told my wife...after we got engaged. I expected her to bolt to the nearest door, but she didn’t. She had a lot of questions and we talked.... a lot. The #1 point was keeping this only between us. Once out, there’s no return. She’s been totally supportive and we’ve been married many years. She appreciated and respected my honesty. No secrets.

[Cherylgyno]

It can be a catch 22 that's for sure. On 1 hand you have very strong feeling s for her and you want to share a MOAS. In this day and age no one can trust anyone.
Just my thoughts... Is there a way that you could introduce her to others like us. If there is mention that you admire a CD for being who she is. Your words and situation will probably differ.
If she says icky that's gross how could a guy dress like a girl. You could run like heck.
On the other hand she could say... Hot diggity dog she is hot, Oh please tell me that you would dress like that. You are free with a lot of open field running.
Best of luck.