So, what is the price I would pay?

[Alisonforme]

To all you brave ladies who have come forward and also any GG's who wish to chime in, what price would I pay in personal relationships if I came out about my crossdressing?

As background, I am DADT with my wife. The thought of seeing me in full fabulousness is utterly repulsive to her. I didn't realize I wanted to be a full-tilt crossdresser and that Alison was an identity within me until after we were married, so I don't want to make this her burden to bear. Also, my oldest daughter knows and has spent some very pleasant time with Alison! I'm grateful for that, but that's the extent of my "exposure."

I don't wish to transition or be full-time as Alison. I just don't want to hide the fact that I am a crossdresser. If my wife doesn't want to see Alison, I must respect that. Also, if she doesn't want others (like the whole family) to see Alison, I can live with that too. It's not like I'm passable at 6'-4" in heels with my man-voice. I just don't personally care if my family and friends know that I'm a crossdresser. In fact, I'd feel much better if I didn't have to hide it. At least then I could keep my legs shaved in the summertime

I'm sure some would be very open to it and others would think me a freak. I'd be ridiculed behind my back, and that's something that really bothers my wife. She doesn't want me and us being talked about in whispers and at parties (after we leave). I get that. She's trying to protect me and also herself. But I'm a free-spirit. I have never apologized for who I am about anything and I don't like the secrecy. I'm not good at secrets. I'm good at being brutally honest and dealing with the consequences. But I don't want to hurt a lot of people. I sure don't want to hurt my kids (four of them, all over the age of 18).

So I'm asking how painful it was for you brave ladies and beautiful souls to come clean? How many of your relationships were damaged by your revelation?
Thanks so much for providing this safe and supportive forum for me to speak freely

[Judy-Somthing]

Sounds like we're on the same boat!
When I was in my teens most my friends and family knew I cross-dressed.
Some of my friends cross-dressed with me on occasion.

My wife to be knew of it but I guess do to the fact friends were involved she considered it just fooling around, (Not an addiction)!

[Anna Stouf]

How painful was it, you ask?

I have been divorced four times and have lost d*** near everything, including two home foreclosures.

I have never met a woman who would tolerate even one second of cross dressing.

Now, at 74 years old, and having been alone for six years, I’m sure it’s over for me.

[Tracii G]

You can do it but I suppose you already know that.
I came out and 99% didn't care one bit and they already suspected it.

[DaisyLawrence]

Hi Alison.

I had no price to pay but then I kind of knew that so there was little or no risk for me. The trouble is that you could read here about lots of positive results like mine but they will have zero effect on what price you would have to pay. Only you can figure out your likely cost and whether you are prepared to pay it. If you take the risk I sincerely hope it works out for you.

Daisy x

[Rachelakld]

relationship - good
4 supportive daughters
son in laws okay with it
my Sister and husband and kids are okay with it
While young ones are fine, the wife thinks everyone will be whispering - I have bad hearing so won't care.

[gunta]

I have real doubts if I can tell my wife, she is kind of conservative and 20 years of marriage may be broken (that is too much price to risk with)

[Sidney]

I don't understand our desire to shout from the roof tops, hay everyone, guess what, I'm a crossdresser. I personally have never had the urge to do that. I have told my two adult daughters, my wife and two friends, one male and one female. These are people close to me that I love and who love me. They all accept and support me for being me. I dont care if anyone else finds out. I am just so happy that the people I care for accept ALL of me. And yes all have seen me dressed.

[Pat]

I don't understand our desire to shout from the roof tops, hay everyone, guess what, I'm a crossdresser.

There was a time I didn't understand that either. But time doesn't stand still and neither do we. Everyone's at a different spot in their lives.

[Teresa]

Alison,
May I ask the question of how much pain and anguish you go through because you can't honestly be the person you wish be ?

We all have it in our minds that we are unloading a burden but to live with that and the suppression it brings in you life sometimes means you're not the complete person you wish to be . You are concerned if people know you wife will bear the brunt of the ridicule and how hard and hurtful that would be for her . Some of these thought are assumptions going round in our own heads , some of them aren't always true and never happen.

I'm in a very similar situation to you , my family all know but my wife just doesn't want to see me , I guess she has been too outspoken on the issues and has hurt me deeply both intentionally and not , but if the situation doesn't progress and the pressure from DADT continues it can become mentally disabling . I felt it was like solitary confinement , so finally for various reasons we accept that my wife can't live with my level of CDing and I can't live without it so it's come to a amicable separation ( not divorce ) . We are both now more positive and happy with this decision as are the the rest of the family that know .

Consider the damage of staying together or amicably parting , at some point all others in the equation ( children etc. ) have to put to one side and consider yourselves as two people being sensible about their own feelings and those of each other , OK it's easier in some respects for me my children are grown up adults . Consider yourselves first and then plan how others can and will fit in with that outcome , it's surprising how they can and do, they love their mum and dad and accept they need happiness too.

[Stacy Darling]

I Guess that the price you could pay, could keep increasing over time Alison!

Adding my sister to the "Sum" recently has made me realise that you really never know who won't accept you!

I best mention that my marriage has been damaged badly! Which I also didn't expect!

I Guess that I was well cut out for Dressing (even my legs) but I wasn't cut out for coming out!

On a positive note; My Mother still calls me occasionally, she does know not to turn up unannounced though!

[Alisonforme]

Thank you all for being forthcoming and sharing

How painful was it, you ask?

I have been divorced four times and have lost d*** near everything, including two home foreclosures.

I have never met a woman who would tolerate even one second of cross dressing.

Now, at 74 years old, and having been alone for six years, I’m sure it’s over for me.

I am so sorry

Hi Alison.

I had no price to pay but then I kind of knew that so there was little or no risk for me. The trouble is that you could read here about lots of positive results like mine but they will have zero effect on what price you would have to pay. Only you can figure out your likely cost and whether you are prepared to pay it. If you take the risk I sincerely hope it works out for you.

Daisy x

Thanks Daisy

relationship - good
4 supportive daughters
son in laws okay with it
my Sister and husband and kids are okay with it
While young ones are fine, the wife thinks everyone will be whispering - I have bad hearing so won't care.

Good for you Rachel!!

Alison,
May I ask the question of how much pain and anguish you go through because you can't honestly be the person you wish be ?

Great question Teresa! The answer is that I wouldn't describe what I go through as pain and anguish. It's a major inconvenience and could turn into me being very grouchy if my wife starts working from home soon, which she is considering. That's what made me start thinking about this. Before long, I may not be able to get my Alison-on anywhere near as much as I would like. I have bouts of pink fog now and I get grouchy occasionally!

[Stephanie47]

Alison's thread could be mine with the exception nobody knows other than my wife. She wants no part of it. She has some personal history that predates me meeting her which contributes to her disapproval. I can deal with her declination. The hardest part of our DADT is how DADT it is. I know Judy is living in a living hell because her wife just is over the top with her disapproval. My wife has not said a single word to me for over twenty years on the subject. No discussions No snide comments. No barbs thrown my way. On a few occasions when I missed a garment to put away, she will tell me she found a bra or panty and placed it on top of the dryer in the wash closet.

I respect her wish to not be burdened with the secret which is now a secret shared by two. Decades ago she told me the hardest part of dealing with the issue is not having someone to talk to about it. I've stated before she fears my cross dressing will cast doubts about her sanity, "Look at her! She's married to a cross dresser! Why doesn't she divorce him? What's wrong with her?"

From comments I've heard from my son and daughter I do not think they would be receptive to dad bringing forth this bit of information. What grates on me is the fact I have done all the "manly" expectations of society; never unemployed, a good provider, a good father and great grandfather, prosperous, totally debt free, decent house, yet a part of me is shoved in the corner.

All that 'manly' stuff also includes being an infantryman in Nam with two Purple Hearts and doing all that stuff an infantryman is suppose to do. Sometimes Stephanie helps me get through it all. So any of you lurkers out there perusing this forum to find out what makes us tick do your studies and maybe you'll see we're basically decent men who like to wear women's clothing for reasons unknown to us. Time for a cup of coffee!

[Aunt Kelly]

Alison,
You have decisions to make, and none of us knows you and your situation like you do. For that reason none of us can offer any credible advice of the "you should do it this way" nature. What works for me and my SO works because of who we are. You need to figure out what works for you and yours, and the only way that's going to happen is through communication.
You sound like you have come to grips with your nature. That's a solid place to start from - knowing who you are and that that is not going to change. Find a way to get that across to your spouse in a way that is matter of fact and not a take it or leave it ultimatum. At this point, you both need to understand each other. Get professional help. It will make the process much easier.
If you value the relationship, the goal should be arriving at an accommodation that you both can live with. Know that you both may have to accept conditions that you are not comfortable with in order to save the relationship. Know also that it is entirely possible that one of you won't be able to make such accommodation. You won't know until you have done the work of communicating and understanding the other.
Good luck to you.

Hugs,


Kelly

[Diane Taylor]

Coming out was actually not painful at all but maybe I'm one of the lucky ones. When I decided to come out I didn't care what others thought because I figure if they're only your friends until you come out , then they weren't really your friends at all. You stated that you don't want to hurt people including your kids. By not being able to be you, you are hurting yourself.

[Rogina B]

Come out as ? Can you explain yourself? Until you figure these two things out,I don't suggest you are ready. Explaining your needs and why properly, are of the utmost importance if you wish acceptance of your person.

[grace7777]

As to what you would lose, it all depends. Some people have lost a lot and some have even come out ahead. Predicting who will be accepting can be very difficult. Even political views are not always an indicator of acceptance. There are ones with liberal political views who are not very accepting, and yet some are well accepted by people with conservative view points.

As a trans woman who has transitioned and is living 24/7 as a female I have lost little and in some ways I feel I have come out ahead.

Take Care,
Grace

[Jodie_Lynn]

Lost my marriage of 30 years. Lost friends. Lost family.

Gained new friends. Gained a new outlook on life. Gained a lover who appreciates me for who I am.

Only YOU can decide if the cost is worth it.

[krissy]

I lost my first wife and she told all my male friends lost them too and told my family lost them too now married 37 years and this wife cant stand it im so lost inside but it is who i am cant change how i feel just cant express it

[Glenda58]

Try to find a marriage counselor that deal with transgender and gender fluid relationships. That's what I'm looking for now for my wife and me.

[Stephanie Julianna]

My story is a lot like Stephanie47 and Judy Something except I did tell my wife before we were married. I told her in'68 so we have been dealing with this for almost 50 years. Her first response was classic. "Are you gay?!" And then after she settled down with a lot of pleading she finally listened and accepted that I just liked to dress and did not actually want to be a full time woman. In the beginning we even were intimate with me dressed to some degree. We even had another couple over once with the husband dressed. That did not work out well since he looked like Fred Gwen in a dress and although I did not, it shut the door on any interaction with other couples. She tolerated it but never again saw me dressed. in 1980 I became friends with Lee Brewster of Lee's Mardi Gras and the famous Stonewall Movement in NYC. He helped me with my look so that I could finally pass in public and even introduced me to the best CD admirer ever, Sam. I told my wife about Sam and for the next twenty years he and I were best friends and shared many experiences with me dressing with him always in male mode. He basicly lived vicariously through me and we became an item in the NYC scene. My wife was happy to abdicate her place, with me while dressed, to Sam. Then he moved away in 2000 to take care of his mother and Stephanie slowly evolved back to the DADT days until I found this site at a very lonely time for my feminine self. Boom, I was out again and then my wife found this site because back in '13 it did not always shut down unless you logged out. All hell broke loose. She read my inner most thoughts that had evolved with self reflection and the acceptance of myself as probably transgendered. That was not a good month. Now I am back to DADT wil lieing because I told her would never leave the house and that is not happening. I did it a lot when she was working and I had days off from nursing during the week. Now she is retired and in the last 2 years I have only gotten out maybe 6 times. So my plan is to confront her this Spring when we get back from FL in April with the hope of reaching a compromise. All my children know about me but are not up to date as to what the situation is. They are busy raising their own families. I have no desire to tell any of my seven grandchildren. The risks are not worth the close relationship I have with them right now. So we will see what happens in the Spring. Amazingly, telling my wife that there is little worry of exposure because I pass easily does not help my cause. Caitlyn Jenner did not help either, especially since we were the same age when she transitioned. I'm hoping I can figure somthing out before I die. I'm not getting any younger and the biological clock is ticking.

[Sandra]

GG chiming in Just bear in mind at the time Nigella identified as a crossdresser

Nigella told me about 5 months after we got married, had our ups and downs but got through them. Told our daughter who was 14 she said she knew there was something and the next thing she said was can I borrow your clothes. She met her boyfriend told him about Nigella and he too is supportive, as for close friends we two didn't want to know..their loss not ours Now fast forward a few years, Nigella eventually came out as TS, I had my own feelings about this long before she did, just little things and reading on the forums in the TS section, anyway again we told our daughter and her boyfriend both were fine with it and as before still very supportive the same with close friends. Rest of the family well I don't have any so no problem there, Nigellas family, brothers don't want to know and one sister chats on FB but doesn't visit even though she only lives 5 miles away.

We've been lucky in that those nearest to us have stayed and supported us both so much. Just to add we've been married 31 years this coming August.

[Alisonforme]

Stephanie, Caitlyn J did not help me either. Neither did Silence of the Lambs (this is the horror my wife has in her mind about this "thing"). I don't like having to hide. But I'm not sure how much getting out I actually want to do. I have a March outing planned.

Sandra, you sound like a very cool spouse to have and I would call Nigella very lucky! It must be very difficult to see someone you expected one thing from, change into an appearance that may not be sexually attractive for you. For my wife, it's a major-league turn off.