Time to tell the transphobic partner...advice?

[elizabethamy]

I really appreciate the comments. I feel bad about blaming my wife for her feelings. She was traumatized by this once before, and perhaps avoiding ever seeing it helps keep her fears at bay. I'm the one that created the trauma, though everyone here knows it's really not something i could help. LeaP is so right that the dysphoria just swallows you up; you think it's going to stay small, like an annoying itch in the back of your brain, but after a while it overwhelms everything. I have felt completely differently about myself and my life prospects ever since I allowed myself to reopen this issue and to see a specialist. I look at the world with hope and I am optimistic and positive as I haven't been in a long time. It's sad, and that doesn't even begin to describe it, that our (my) loved ones won't want to participate in this journey; if my wife surprises me and wants to be supportive that would be wonderful. But I'm ready either way.

LeaP, you're also right about the letter. Even as backup it's a mistake for the two of us. She is away all weekend and I'm away when she gets back, so I'm going to work until Monday night to find the words and then to say them, then we'll see what happens. We've had joint counseling before, and I'm open to it, but only if she's open to being supportive. This time, no matter how sad it makes me to do this to her, I simply can't negotiate some kind of half-assed DADT like agreement. That won't do anything for me.

It sounds selfish, but after decades of depression, low self-esteem, letting others lead and do what they want first, I believe I have reached that point that all the veterans on this forum warn about: when you just have to do it. What "it" is will be unveiled one step at a time, and I have some great support on here and a couple people in town that I've already reached out to in ministerial confidence, so I'm not going backward this time. And I also don't want to participate in the deception; last night I took my gender workbook home and covered it with the jacket of a textbook from my class just in case she looked through my book bag or saw me reading...I'm glad I did that because that's exactly the kind of thing I hate and that ruins any sense of trust between two people, and it reminded me of how badly I want not to be lying and covering up any more.

In hope and fear, but mostly hope,

elizabethamy

[Lisalove1976]

I am in a very similar situation mostly because of my own fault and not sticking up for Lisa and not wanting to hurt the one's I LOVE.... I was also thinking of writing her a letter for the same reasons as you and because no matter how much I plan the conversation in my hear the thought train always takes a different route and derails!
The letter to me seems like a good idea (my wife also hates them) but as times moves on Lisa becomes more and more part of me and mentally I suffer from having to keep her locked up. I would also tell her about the suffering in the hope that she would understand and that a little goes a long way in the fight BUT from past experiences I'm pretty sure she would turn it on me and say it's "always about you" which will in turn shut me down and put Lisa back in the suitcase for longer!

not sure if this helps or not but I though I'd give you my opinion

Lisa