Hi everyone,
I got so much insight from my last thread so here's another one. I've been to a gender therapist who's ready to give me the hormone letter whenever I want it and who urges me to tell my transphobic (but otherwise very liberal, open and nice) wife as soon as I possibly can, ideally within the next week.
My wife knew I was experimenting with transsexuality 8 years ago and gradually became more hardened in her opposition. At first she just wanted me to promise I wouldn't become a woman (!), then just that I keep my explorations private, inside the house, then that I never put on one piece of jewelry or women's clothing or talk to or about any trans folks/support groups, etc. So we went into 5 years of absolutely nothing.
She says she was traumatized by the earlier exploration and therefore can't cope at all with a trans person on TV, let alone anything personal. If she sees a trans person in town she uses terms like "man" or even "it."
Otherwise, she is a great person and much beloved by everyone she knows -- I'm not joking. So I have always thought that her transphobia was all about trauma from the earlier episode.
So today, serendipitously, my quarterly appointment with my psych medicine provider (nurse practitioner) happened to come around. So I told her all about my re-emerged trans issues and that I am taking steps, seeing the gender therapist, etc. Her comment on my wife: "maybe she's so hostile about it not because she was traumatized, but because she knows that you are going to have to transition at some point and just can't bear to face it."
I had (stupidly) never considered that she already knows on some really profound level, but it sounds right to me.
Now how to tell her what is happening with me? I'm thinking of just saying it: I've been suffering for a long time, I know this is unfair to you, but I can't function any more, I know it's very real, and I have to act, and I can't put any boundaries around it because I don't know how far I have to go, though I suspect myself a full transsexual, and my providers think so, too. All that in the context of my love and respect for her.
I also plan to give her a letter -- she hates this kind of thing, but I want to make sure I have said what I want to say clearly.
Does this sound right to you, knowing that you don't know her or me? I'm ready for the consequence of losing my marriage. I can't go on the way I have been. Maybe her transphobia will vanish and she'll want to stay together. Maybe not. But I want to tell her clearly and fairly.
Advice? thoughts? Do it on a weekend, or on a night before work? Is my gender therapist right that I should do it asap, not wait at all?
thanks -- love to hear about your experiences if you can stand to re-tell them...
elizabethamy