Look at yourself

[Eemz]

asked me to look and why I don't see that

I don't see criticism, I think she cares and is trying to really understand what's happening in your head at these times; is it that you don't care how you look (I don't believe that) or that you're in an altered state of mind and don't see it, or is it that but mixed in with some sort of unconscious self-destructive or self-esteem damaging baggage that blocks you from following through, and really making yourself look and feel as good as you could? I say that because I was that girl for a long time and this feels familiar to me.

maybe I should get out of my delusional world and really see what's in the mirror

Hey - there's nothing wrong with delusions! Look at who you're talking to LOL.

But actually I think it will really help if you *do* look honestly in the mirror, as long as you look at yourself and say - I can do better than this! And then do it. Pick one small thing - do it better. Change it, practice it, get good at it. Even if the end result is "ok the rest of me still looks like something the dog dragged in, but I really nailed that part". Perfect. Move on. Pick something else. And something else. You're not going to become a supermodel (I'm sorry to break it to you lol), but there will eventually be a few things that you can say, you know what, I am really good at those bits. And be proud of that.

You can do this.

You're a crossdresser - it's ok. Punishing yourself by being a sort of half-assed CD won't help; believe me I tried that for long enough

My 2c. YMMV and all the usual disclaimers etc etc