As a kid, I was told that god had made a mistake, and that I was really supposed to be a girl. This was initially a shock to me, but as he gave his reasons why he believed this, it sort of made sense. And then, once believing it, I started to see other things about my life that pointed in that direction as well. By the time I got to high school, I truly believed that I was supposed to be a girl, and I had thought that god would 'fix me' at some point, and I would someday wake up as a normal girl. I had prayed and prayed, but of course, god never answered. But apparently the damage was done. After growing up and believing that I was truly a girl for so long during my developmental years, it was stuck in my brain. Despite learning the differences between males and females personality, as well as all the differences in how we behave, communicate and how we see the world differently, there's always this lingering feeling that I'm in the wrong clothes, and in the wrong role in life, as if I'm a young teen female waiting to become a woman.
But I have never had any plans to transition, as there is no way I could ever have had a normal female life, even if I had gotten testosterone blockers at a young enough age, female HRT, and SRS. My body is simply in no way feminine at all. So I'm lucky that my GID isn't severe.
My only real regret is that I cannot have a normal relationship with a woman, as none that I have ever known would accept me once she knew about my past, my predeliction for female behaviors and feelings, especially my strong desire to wear clothes that are currently reserved for females only.
My own personal belief is that women have always been reliant upon men for protection and as providers, so anything that brings into question that they might not at some point be all that for her, makes us unacceptable as a potential mate. It's simple insecurity. I understand. It's been bred into human females for so many thousands if not millions of years, that I think it's a genetic predispositon for them to not want anything to do with feminine men. Even though I understand, and have to accept it, it does leave me very lonely sometimes, when I have to face that I will never have a long term relationship again. Oh well. Better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all, I guess.
