Quote Originally Posted by MonicaGirly View Post
I work a job in a field I didn’t study making 40k. She makes more. It shouldn’t bother me, but she brings it up often enough and the fact that my wedding contributions aren’t up to par are blatantly obvious. The job I work is in accounting. I always dreamed of something with so much more fulfillment, like teaching, or campaigning, or in the field of mental health, maybe writing, don’t know. I miss college so dang much. I miss the hope I used to have. I miss the endless possibilities, and mostly I miss my friends.

Dressing gave me a creative outlet. I was passionate about it. The effort I put into “passing” (even though I never really did) was something I would pour so much work and heart into that it gave me joy. It gave me something to get lost in and I loved it. I loved it the same way an artist loves to paint. Only I was the canvas and blush was my paint.

The worst part is I have absolutely no one to talk to about it. I’m so isolated. I’m in a new town with no friends, except my fiancées friends, but they don’t really count for this kind of thing, and coworkers I guess. I have so many emotions and feelings about my inner/past CD self and if I’m being honest some gender dysphoria and it’s all just moving so fast and I just wish for the love of goodness that my fiancée could understand, but she can’t and won’t. To her it’s unthinkable and unspeakable and has been since 2016.

For context I told her about my dressing after one year of dating. At first it was don’t ask don’t tell, and then the next year she found some selfies and forced me to purge everything.we spent three years long distance and have lived together for a year and a half now. Now she gets really negative and makes rude general comments anytime anything on tv or media mentions things like drag or cding. It’s an “absolutely don’t speak about it” topic. There’s a lot of other things that are good about the relationship. We laugh together and we travel together. We have fun and I know she loves me and my family, and Despite the fighting and differences I love her and her family too.

Sherii mentioned that I should find a hobby, and the thing is I’ve tried that. I’ve tried getting into things to fill the void but nothing does the trick. I’ve gotten super into watchin sailing Vlogs, I got really into philosophy, I got really into fitness( which was counter intuitive and its own story in and of itself)and right now I’m really into motorcycles. No matter what I try and hyper focus in on nothing is filling the void or taking the spot that cross dressing did. It was just something that was relaxing and made me happy.
Sometimes we’ll be at the store and I can’t help but look at all the shoes(my favorite things to wear) and see if they have my size in anything. I think wearing heels is one of the things I miss the most.
First of all...even without CDing in the mix no one should dump on anyone else for making less money than they are. Unless you want her to lord this over you for the rest of your life you need to tell her how it makes you feel when she talks about that kind of thing. If you are doing your best to contribute to your household, then she should have nothing to complain about. Maybe she is trying to encourage you in her own way to get a job you like better...maybe her statements are an attempt to push you in a direction that you might like better...but she needs to know that her methods are making you feel bad about yourself if that is what she is trying to do.

Secondly, the way you describe your dressing, "I loved it the same way an artist loves to paint," how it was (and could be again) a creative outlet for you. The way you gush about your passion for it...that she would deny you that joy and light in your life is a huge red flag. Maybe she doesn't understand how much it meant to you but it sounds like she would deny it to you or mock you or deride you even if she did understand. She won't even discuss it with you. You might love her and the time you spend with her but if she makes you feel bad about something that gives you such joy (and isn't a criminal activity) then you have to seriously consider what it is that makes you happy. I mean just look at how you talk about your CDing and compare that to how you view your life now without it.

It also doesn't sound like she is willing to make compromises in her own life. You say you can't talk about CDing but then when something about it comes on TV suddenly she has all kinds of (nasty) things to say about CDing. That's very curious to me. It's not a subject that you can bring up but if she wants to make snide comments then it's ok. I'm guessing there are other topics that are like this as well. Is there a particular reason why she is against CDing and forced a purge after finding a few selfies?

You should see a social worker or some kind of councilor about all this for sure. Maybe she doesn't actually understand what CDing is and that it doesn't mean she's in 2nd place or something. That there's no need to be jealous or whatever. A 3rd party like a social worker or councilor would be able to help with that.