Danielle,

Your wife's view of this is most likely fragmentary and kind of distant, and she feels, what harm in having a little talk- this whatever it is seems important to my husband, She is going to encounter huge radicalizing emotions and these facts are going to become important:
[A few observations from my experience trying this with my wife of 30 years:]
1. If her emotions go up she cannot hear what I am saying so being honest doesnj't help- it just makes things worse- she is afraid or disgusted and that doesn't allow for 2
2. Definitions of terms take a while to just agree on- for example- what is a woman? Separating female from woman is a huge leap for many people and seems very theoretical at best to them,perverse and dangerous at worst. There are so many words that don't have clear definitions, so when you say it and mean x she hears it and thinks it means y. So being honest again is no help.
3. The deep feelings of identity and survival associated with being female or male are so deep that no matter what we say. It just doesn't get through.
4. She most likely feels relatively safe and successful because she is a successful woman and attracted and married a solid man. There is a huge and often very important set of losses associated with finding out your husband is not committed to be all man.

I was so happy to put on my special skirt and blouse and present myself to my wife- I was open, happy, relaxed, and looking forward to being honest about everything. She literally screamed in terror and started to have a breakdown. I ran and changed and came back an comforted her from my old familiar look.


Your wife's feelings are the important thing here- and your idea to just let her drive the conversation is IMHO the only way to do this. Check your undrestanding of the meaning of words she uses. Check on what she feels is important in a confused question. Check on what her fears are, just try to understand what she feels so far with respect to what she sees an thinks about crossdressing in general first, then with respect to you.

Take this is the smallest steps you can. I tried weekly 5 minute chats, but even there my wife was so allergic to it I had to go to 10 second reports.

Stop after you have a disagreement and just seek reconciliation right away through reassurance that you love her and that it is confusing,let it heal or