FROM THE BACK OF THE CLOSET Week 3: Ever feel alone?

[Jodi Lynn]

WOW, I fit right in with everyone else. I have allways been a loner and never really fit in with others. Really didn't like playing with other boys, when I was a young boy, would rather play with girls. I only really had one good friend growing up, and he just used me most of the time. In high school I tried to fit in with every group at one time or another. But, I was allways more comfortable when I could get off by my self. To this day I still perfer to be anlone. Being different and not knowing if I was the only one that felt the way I do made me feel this way I am sure, but finding a group like this has helped me very much in my understanding of myself.

[Sarahgurl371]

I guess wwe all feel alot alike? The point I would like to make now is that like some of you have mentioned here in the thread is: I have never felt more ALONE than the past two years, since I told my wife everything. She new about the lingerie and stuff years ago, and was even OK with it. But I new for me, I had to tell all, and be accepted. I guess I was hoping that her acceptance of me would lead to my acceptance of me. That was wrong.

Anyway, we used to have a pretty good marraige. Good in the way that an the surface for me, everything was OK. But I knew that I needed to share this part of me with my best friend. I did, and it ain't been all rosey like I had hoped. I had hoped it would bring that deep emotional intamacy that I longed for since who knows when. What it has done was made both of us feel alone since the gap between us seems to grow more each day.

I need to be loved for who I am, and in that aspect, I feel very alone. We are at the point were I can do whatever I want when she is not home. Some may find this a desriable position. I do not. How can I be happy, experiencing this wonderful thing all by myself? I have always had this empty feeling inside after dressing. Never understood it. Thought it was caused by feelings of guilt or shame. Now I am starting to think that its because I am alone in this life. The more that I think about it, the more unacceotable to me it is that I have to be alone to enjoy this part of me. All I have ever done since being married 14 years ago, was work financially and emotinally for US, I have tried to give her everthing she needs and wants. Now that I have started to admot all this to myself, How can I be happy, aven just satisfied, in a marraige where a huge part of who I am is not accepted?

I do have realistic expectations for this, despite being an idealist at heart. I realize that there needs to be compromise in any healthy marraige. I guess she doesn't. Looking back I guess she never has. I have given her everything that she wants. Put my own wants, needs, and desires on hold to realize hers. Now that I have drawn the proverbial line in the sand with regards to not giving up CDing, or wanting to do so, we have a horrible marraige. I have never asked for anything before. Now I realize this is alot to ask, but come on, is it really? Doesn't she love the masculine and feminine personality traits inherent in my already. The only difference now is that I have put a name, and sometimes some colthes on them. I cannot accept just being ignored, and its then OK. Am I just an extremist? A radical?

Sorry for the rant, don't know how I got here, just wanted to make a point about sharing the most intimate part of who I am, with my best friend.

Luv you all for listening.

[TGMarla]

My goodness! Well said, Tammy. We lead somewhat parallel lives, it seems. I, too, feel very empty after I am through with a crossdressing session, as I am always very alone whenever I go through one. I had hoped, when I got married to the very wonderful woman who is now my wife, that I had found someone who would be able to reach down inside of me and touch my soul, embrace it for what it is, and love me for the good person that I know I am. I have, as we all do, male and female aspects to my personality. All people do. And I believe that those among us who abjectly reject that fact and embrace only the side that is physically presented by our birth gender are leading cloistered half-lives. Even if I did not crossdress, I still would appreciate things like flowers, beautiful clothing and hair, and the delicate and gentle aspects of the world around us. I embrace the female part of my soul, and like you said so very well....I just put clothes on her sometimes.

No one has ever come close to being what I would describe as a "soul mate" to me. That's such a pity. I feel that I have so very much to share in this world. But sadly, although I love my wife very much, we lead very separate lives. She has never been able to dig beneath the surface and get to know me on a deeper level, a level that life partners should have. Perhaps some of that is my fault. But a beauty once found is not one to easily forgo. My feminine side is beautiful to me, and I will not ever turn my back on it. I choose to be a soul that embraces the light and the dark, the male and the female. I choose to be complete. I only wish I had someone to share it with.

I feel, no, I share your pain.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

I don't know, but somehow in these days, I feel very alone, probably because I live alone by myself and just going to class, and come back home, The thing is I don't have GF yet, but I would love to get one from my college. There are pretty college chicks, but don't know much how to approach to them....I do need GF really bad....yeah...really bad....if I had GF, I would probably felt not alone, so does she.....

Well, for starters you need to get out where the women are. Especially at college, there's libraries or probably cafes near campus where you could study and strike up conversation. Especially with fellow students, you've got an easier opening -- you could ask what they're studying, or ask for help with something you're studying. In a sense meeting people is like sales -- it's a numbers game. Yeah it won't work out most of the time, but the more women you interact with the more likely you'll find someone you click with.

Attitude-wise, it's better to think about just meeting people rather than meeting a girlfriend -- doing the latter can give you a "desperate" vibe that can be a turnoff. Plus, it's easier to make a series of small successes that will help you feel better. OK, maybe you don't have a girlfriend yet, but you were able to make small-talk with a girl you met and that's a step in the right direction.

As others have mentioned, unfortunately while young GG say they want sensitive guys, they often enjoyed being pursued and seduced, which is where more masculine guys have the advantage. So it might help to butch up a bit -- think of it as Lady Coree doing FTM.

I realize this may not feel authentic (even deceptive) but two points: The first is that we all have public faces we wear in different situations that are different than our private self. Second, as they say, all's fair in love and war. If you've ever tried online dating sites you'll find most people take off 20 pounds and 10 years and add 5 inches to their height (at least for us "older" folks). So there's an expectation that you will put your best foot forward and later on if things develop you learn about the some of "less presentable" part of each others' personalities.

Good luck!

[Adele 2005]

Tammy and Marla,

It's awful to read how lonely you are both feeling, emotionally alienated from the women you love just because you've tried to be open and honest with them about who you are. I can only imagine the fear and worry you must have felt before telling them, and how deep in despair you must now be that it hasn't delivered the happy resolution you so desired.

I wish I had some words of consolation for you, but instead, if you don't mind, I have a few questions for you both:

1) Do you think that you would have been able to keep this part of your life secret from your partners indefinitely?

2) If so, would you have really felt happy, despite the stress of keeping this secret?

3) Is there really nothing positive you can think of that's resulted from being honest with your partners?

It takes strength and courage to be an honest person, qualities you both obviously have, and that will surely help you both get through your problems.

Take care,

[Stormgirl]

Yeah I feel alone,I've always felt alone

[Adrianne]

I know the feeling of being alone as i feel so lonely right now, just having a bad day.

[Jasmine Ellis]

I've accepted who I am long ago and yes I do get emotionally at times. But all the ladies in hear helps me though it. Well done to you all darling love you

[TGMarla]

Adele, thank you for your kind concern. I'll answer as best I'm able.

1) Do you think that you would have been able to keep this part of your life secret from your partners indefinitely?

No. In fact, she found out because I got sloppy. Often when the secret comes out, the fact that it was kept a secret is the biggest issue. Not here. She cannot accept that I enjoy being feminine as well as masculine.

2) If so, would you have really felt happy, despite the stress of keeping this secret?

Probably not. I want to share myself with someone else in my life. Fear kept me from spilling it at first. Fear keeps me from pursuing it now. She simply will not accept this in me, as she is very conservative and accepting of social norms. I still have the desire every day that she would accept this part of me, and it saddens me that she will not.

3) Is there really nothing positive you can think of that's resulted from being honest with your partners?

No. All it has done is drive a bit of a wedge between us. It has not made her more open minded and accepting of that which is not "normal". Nor has it made me happy in any way that she knows still rejects this aspect of my life completely.

Bu life is a fluid thing. I'll not give up hope that someday she will come to terms with this, or I find someone else that will accept me completely.

Thanks again for caring. You're a love.

[Kimberly]

I was just thinking back about my teens today, and thought of a question. When you were growing up, did you always feel alone in a group? Did you know you were different? Where you afraid of being physically intimate with a girlfriend despite REAAALLLLLY wanting to do it?

All rings true. (and having only gone through it a few years ago, I can remember it well!)

There was a stage of about a month of depression, which every teen must go through at some point. It was horrible - I felt I was drifting between groups of friends, not really fitting in. And on top of that, I dressed like a girl when I could. I probably thought I was the weirdest person on the planet... Then one night my mum came in to my room; I was crying. She asked why, and I told her about the friends thing. I explained about not really fitting in - and she started crying too. Well... we got so emotional, I was ready to tell her. Ready to tell her I dressed. Ready to fling the wardrobe open and reveal the shoes I was harbouring.

But I didn't. And I don't regret it. Now I'm confident enough to be able to answer all my parents' questions easily, and without reservation. They'll still have a son, but they will also have a daughter from time to time.

... random. Anyway. xx

[Sarahgurl371]

Adele, I will try to explain as briefly as possible. Thanks for your concern.

[QUOTE=Adele 2005]

1) Do you think that you would have been able to keep this part of your life secret from your partners indefinitely?
I did not intend to keep it a secret. Prior to marraige I told her about sometimes wearing panties during masturbation, but that I had stopped, (truthfully). I figured that marraige would CURE me. We were married in our late teens. I didn't know who I was. I started dressind again a few years into our marraige, and hated myself for not being in control of it. As soon as I knew that this wasn't a phase, and a part of myself, I told her. That was about 6 or 7 years ago now, about 2 years ago I told her of all my feelings and desires concerning CDing. Been bad since.
2) If so, would you have really felt happy, despite the stress of keeping this secret?
No I would not be able to be happy keeping this secret. I am a very honest person, and to be truthful, the secret was killing me. I had to tell. How could I look myself in the mirror everyday?
3) Is there really nothing positive you can think of that's resulted from being honest with your partners?
Positives: I have told the truth. I have handled myself in a dignified way. I have not tried to force her or trick her into acceptance. We have communicated like never before in our marraige. At least I do not have to worry about her catching me because I didn't put something away or whatever. I have respected her feelings. At least I can talk about it with her now even though she doesn't like it a whole lot. I have started to value myself believe it or not, I have been forced to own up to my feelings and start to accept who I am, with that comes self esteem, and I fear that my newfound self esteem will lead to divorce, because why should I share my life with someone who won't share mine?
QUOTE]

All, I didn't intend this thread to be about myself. I was just curious how many of us felt similar during adolesence and adulthood. I am starting to find alot more similarities between us all other than wearing female clothes.

May we all find what we are looking for!

[gennee]

Tammi:
I understand where you are coming from. I am somewhat of a loner, but I do not feel that I am alone. This site is has been wonderful and I am with a support group in my hometown. I think because I am a crossdresser, the world is different to me. I do believe that it can be a good thing to be different. The most thing is to be comfortable in your own skin.

Gennee

[Adele 2005]

Tammy and Marla,

Reading your candid replies (thank you), it seems like being honest with those you love is unavoidable and compelling; it's too much stress to bear keeping such a profound part of life secret, all through childhood, teens and into adult life. I suppose that whilst it's a secret part of your identity, then you are in control. The consequences of talking, however, are that this part of your life is no longer private; it's now out of your control, and that's a very scary prospect when there's so much ignorance and prejudice out there.

We'd all desire a constructive response when we choose to open our hearts, particlularly to those we believe we know well. It's quite a shock to find you've misjudged someone's expected response. No wonder you feel lonely.

What I've learnt from your accounts is that it's so important to prepare for the reaction to openning-up, which will hopefully be good, but could sadly be negative and deeply insensitive to your feelings. That's certainly something to think about.

I really hope you both find a path back to love to and happiness somehow soon.

[paulaN]

WOW! I have related to just about every thing that everyone has said here. I too am alone, sometimes I want to be and sometimes not. Sometimes it gets depressing but I keep on going forward as best I can. I'll have to come back to post more on this, when time permits. I could wright a lot about this.

[Stephenie]

Alone- yes I have been alone most of my life. It's hard to be close to some one when you have to hide part of yourself. I have all ways felt that I am alone and will be until I find some one who can accept me as different from others.

Yes I thought that I could hid for ever, and still do If I had not told her. But I was not happy in a marrage that I had to hid something that is such a big part of who I am and growing stronger.

No, I don't see anything good having come from me telling her. It has put a bigger stain on us then before and before we were about to split up and now it's more of when instead of if.

I know that I can be alone and be happy but I would prefer to be with some one and to share all of me with them. Even a non sexual committed lifelong relationship would be preferable to being alone until death. But no more lies.

[Bonnie D]

My story is quite similar but with a variance. I began crossdressing at about age 11, I cried easily when watching movies, TV programs and reading things both sad and happy, I was interested in all things feminine - clothes, girlhood, sewing, knitting, cooking, cleaning, etc, I listened to what girls had to say, I got upset when girls were abused, I respected girls and didn't want to be like the boys with one thing on their mind. However, being a boy and having three younger brothers I had to act like a boy. I played all the sports and was good at most of them, I made friends easily and hung around with the boys watching the girls but for different reasons as I said. I did not chase the girls. Even though I was always around people I felt alone with my secret. I had the same dream most of us here have had, going to sleep at night praying to wake in the morning as a girl.

I did date girls when I found out they were interested in me but I always treated them respectfully and never pressured them for sex, which I think disappointed them.

My interest in girls went as far as wondering what it would be like to be a girl and have sex with a boy. I was in my early 20s when I finally had sex with a man and it was great. I was finally releasing my feminine side sexually.

I met my wife a couple of years after this, my male side still being my predominant self. Looking back on my life, I think that if I had had sex with a male earlier in my life I probably would have forced my feminine self out rather than kept her hidden. I have always been big on truth and tried with my wife before and after we were married but found that she couldn't handle the truth. She always demanded the truth from me about all sorts of things but whenever I told her exactly how I felt about this or that she would go into a rage. I once had to tell her a lie because she couldn't possibly believe the truth. I learned to tell her what she wants to hear. Not a healthy situation, but of course the picture is much bigger than can be explained here.

I treat my wife as best as I can and am a good father to my two children. I dress whenever I have time alone and I have sex with men whenever I can.

I've been alone for most of my life mentally speaking and release my feminine side every chance I get whether alone or with men.

Bonnie

[susiej]

As a teen-ager, loner, unable to get intimate -- rings the bell with me! I must say I've gotten over most of this now that I'm *ahem* much older, but early on, absolutely.

Hugs,
Susie

[Amelia Moxon]

.... When I was younger I never really played with girls, I used to play soldiers cops 'n' Robbers etc with the other boys I was never girly when I was younger, I loved my mums clothes, but I never acted like a girl and positively hated the idea of playing with Barbie, action man and his M16 and grenades were more my cup of tea (I still positivly love playing soldiers, long live Airsoft and paintball). However I would and still do balk at the idea of playing sport, not the physical exertion part 3 times a week at the gym sorts that out :D . Up until I left college i was never afraid of getting into an Intimate physical relationship or any kind of close relationship with a GG, however that has changed now. I find it harder to think about letting someone into my life like that especially if i didn't know them enough to warrant the risk. I'm an honest person and if I was going to get into a relationship with a GG I’d tell them after the first few dates, as my CD'ing is not something I could keep from someone, I’d feel guilty about it.

Hugs
Amelia xxx

[Brianne_bc]

Feel Alone? yes in my teens i was deathly alone. Never really had friends, its really a miracle that i survived at all, im sure there wasnt a day go by that i didint think about ending it all. And ive made mistakes in my life due to my lonliness. I married to stave off lonliness not for love or passion. And recently though I did the one thing that I had wanted to do all my life, which was attract a woman to me. So at age 43 Ive finally attracted a woman to me that loved me, that I chose.. Not that it went anywhere cuae she was distraught when i told her i was married. So lonlyness yes Ive lived it.

[Helana]

One of the great benefits of the internet and this forum in particular is that we discover the commonality of our lives. Transgenderism is not an overly complex thing to understand, look beyond the individual details and you will find most of us have similar thoughts, fantasies and life stories.

I have spent the last ten years surfing the internet and in particular visiting the personal pages of CDers. Over the years I have probably read thousands of them, and when you do that type of exercise it is very obvious how much we have in common.

Because of the Internet, for the first time in history we are in a position to understand ourselves, find contentment in our lives and give sound advice to others. The best piece of advice I could ever give is if you are single, particularly young and single, it is worth the extra effort to find a woman who truely understands and accepts your feminine side. Trying to keep a secret from your SO takes away all the joy of the relationship, it makes the whole idea of sharing your lives together a mockery and is totally unfair on the lady. Don't do it!

Yes women can be every bit as prejudiced against us as men are so be prepared to be often disappointed. It is a very difficult task trying to open up the eyes of people who want to remain blinkered so marrying someone like that can make your life hell as resentment will build up on both sides. So if a new relationship is starting to become serious and you feel she may be the one for you, you must open up to her and tell her everything and then pray she is one of the minority who appreciates people for what they are and accepts all of you. Sooner or later you will strike gold, just have lots of patience and keep dating.

Finding a truely accepting SO is your best chance of a stable relationship whether you are a CD or not. Someone who is prejudiced is someone who has not taken the time to think for themselves, and usually has no intention of ever changing. Such a person is likely to be self-centered and insenstive to the needs of others. On the otherhand a person who can accept a CDer is someone who understands what love and sharing is all about. The chances of having a long, stable and happy relationship is greatly increased if you can find her.

[Emma Brownings]

I was just thinking back about my teens today, and thought of a question. When you were growing up, did you always feel alone in a group?

Hi Tammy,
Yes, I did often feel alone but not lonely...if that makes sense.
I think that Helana described it best for me....

A feeling of alienation is very common among our community and most of us grow up into adults who value time alone and are not afraid of lonliness. This is all part and parcel of gender dysphoria where we rejected the role that society wanted us to play - we knew that we were different and made up our minds not to give into masculine peer pressure. Because we had no-one to turn to, our only option was to internalise our feelings and limit our socialising time and circle of friends. Usually our socializing skills sucked because of our self-imposed isolation.

Part of the masucline image which we rejected was the idea that girls were just sexual conquests. We respected girls too much to play that game, perhaps even idolised them and put them on pedestals, even wanted to be one. However young girls tend to like being chased around and seduced so we were no match for our masculine brothers out to prove their manhood, and besides our chat-up lines sucked:D

I remember thinking to myself during my teenage years - why can't the girls chase after me and seduce me. Alas that never happened Most of us were resigned to the fact that we had to play the male role in order to get girlfriends and the strong, silent male stereotype was most attractive to us as this fitted in with our feeling of alienation and our inability to express our locked-away feelings.

We also tended to avoid all that male bonding stuff where men group together to get drunk, sing loudly and push each other around while telling tall tales about how they get laid everynight with a different girl then playing football at 3am before vomiting and going to bed at sunrise. Too much testosterone on display, No Thanks, I will just stay home tonight and practice my make-up

However I did manage eventually to find a lady to spend my life with and who has accepted who and what I am from the very early days of our marriage (34 years ago). Now our children are grown up and living their own lives we are happier than ever. I have taken early retirement (my wife still works part time) and I have plenty of time to enjoy my femme side, sometimes on my own and sometimes with my wife.

I am basically still a loner but I am very fortunate to have a loving wife (who is also my best friend) with whom I can share my life, happiness, worries, fears and my femme side.

Groups of people, especially men, I still find intimidating but small groups primarily composed of women I can be as chatty and sociable as the next person.

Not sure if this makes much sense but just thinking about it and reading all of the other contributions has helped me realise that I am not alone in sometimes feeling alone (and wanting to be alone!).

Thanks to all of you.

[Sarahgurl371]

Helana,

Well said! You hit the nail on the head with your last post.

[Penny]

Well, unlike most of you responding. I was never the loner. Was always outgoing, in fact, I was Mr. Cool. Yes, I was infatuated by women, yes, I
did place them on pedistools and yes, I wanted to look like them. My brother was a loner and no he is not a crossdresser and yes he knows I am. I don't think personality has anything to do with crossdressing. No I don't need to crossdress to get in touch with anything. When I first learning to drive and had my permit, I was driving with my dad next to me when I rearended the car in front. I cried, that was my honest emotional response. I cried. I was
born with the need to feel pretty and there is only one way that I achieve it;
I dress up and look like the women I place so highly. I am a man who has the need to feel pretty. I have been out for years and look how I need to feel. I'm not ashamed to be pretty.

[Shellybean]

I am always alone..always. Since 1974....cuz thats when i knew.
ps...love you ladies
shellybean

[telemark44]

What you describe is really life-long for me. I have always felt like I don't fit in. It really has not been a problem. In fact, it may be a gift, as I do have the ability to find solutions to problems that others do not think of.

However, I wonder if everyone feels this way? Does anyone really feel like they fit in? I am going to ask that question of my friends and family over the next few months (of course, the time will have to be right) and see what their responses are.

You ask a very provocative question. Thank you.

Christine