So incredibly lost

[Confusedandbetrayed]

Within the last 6 days, my husband - who I dated for a year and we just had our 2nd anniversary last month just told me he is a crossdresser. I am the most open minded person ever as I feel to each their own. However I never envisioned this even being a speck in my marriage. I love my husband more than anything. He says he does not want to go out of the house dressed but what he wants to wear at home just makes me sick in my stomach. I always imagined what he wants for himself would be what he would want to see me in. I feel far beyond betrayed but also understand how difficult talking about it must be. I have every emotion running through my body and have since he said something. Again I love him more than anything, I understand it is just clothes - I mean I hope that’s all for now- but I can’t help but have this nagging thought in my head that I don’t think I can live my life like this. I am the only person that knows and we have two kids.... what if they find out?! Then what do I as a mother do? I guess I don’t know what I’m expecting out of this but I’m hoping to get outlook and advice but please nothing rude! I am an extremely anxious person and can’t handle any more extremes in my life currently.

[Rachael Leigh]

Anyway you look at this is difficult for you and your confusion and pain is real.
The hard part is over though in that he told you and it now can be something you can talk about. Holding this in for him
has been tough I’m sure but you both need to talk about it, you should tell him your not comfortable with the things he
wants to wear. Don’t let it get you into an argument.
Yes this not going to be easy but go slow

[char GG]

Thank you for coming to this forum for information rather than just walking out of a marriage that you obviously were happy with prior to the big reveal.

It is very sad to me that you have been blind sided like this. Now it's up to your husband to come clean and honestly explain why he dresses (if he knows), why he kept it a secret, to what extent he wants to dress... and any questions you have about his cross dressing.

It doesn't occur to most wives that their husbands would have an interest in wearing women's clothes. Many women don't even realize that CDing is a real thing other than comedy or drag shows on television. It will a lot of patience and communication for you to understand what is going through his mind. Be open and honest about your feelings and fears. Expect answers.

After you have 10 posts in this forum, you can apply for membership in the FAB forum. The ladies there are very open and helpful.

Best wishes to you both.

[Angie G]

Glad you came here for some hopefully help. It's wire d in us dressers to do this and we can't really say why we have the need to do so. Talk it out with him maybe set some limits as to what Is acceptable and what is not. Lots of us have tried stopping but can't it never really goes away. Be patient with him. You love him more then anything try to work it out.
Angie

[Crissy 107]

I am sure you are going to get many responses on this but I would say to keep the lines of communication open. Many/most of us here have been through this and it is never easy. Just remember he is the same guy you married but with a different twist. Think of what you want to ask him and continue to talk. I’m not giving him an excuse but he is a wreck also. Good luck and we are here to help.

[Stephanie Julianna]

You are going through all the emotions that my wife went through when I told her about my crossdressing. The difference here is that I told her well before we married. I knew she was the girl of my dreams but I wanted her to know before we married. I was 19 and she was 17 and I had been dressing since I was 7 years old. But in your husband's defence, most of us do think that somehow marriage will kill the desire to dress and than the urge eventually comes back stronger than ever. Many never tell their spouses and to me that can almost be thought of as cheating but with the girl within. My wife tried real hard in the beginning to be a part of my crossdressing but eventually when the kids came along she cooled to it. We agreed that I would have to dress on my own which I have done for the last 47 years. Somehow she saw past my dressing, and she knows that I can pass in public which, like you, makes her nervous. That being said, we have been married 48 years with 3 kids, and 7 grandchildren. All my kids, now 40, 43 and 47 years old, have known since their teens. My son, the oldest never brings it up and the girls just know and accept it as just the way I am wired. The fact that your husband told you tells me he is a good man an must love you very much. That's a good start to work together through this. I'm at a turning point in my life as well since I just retired last week after a career in nursing for the last 24 years. So it is in my nature to want to help you through this. You can PM me any time as well as your husband and I will be as up front and honest as I can be. There is an up side. He'd never ask you why you need another dress or pair of heels. He'd understand. I hope this is a start and helps in some way.

[Maria in heels]

Hi Confused! I'm sorry to hear that you are going thru turmoil because of what your husband told you. As Angie said, it seems that many of us are wired this way, and its something that we can't help once we started. My wife found out about Maria by accident, within the first year that we were married, and it went to a full DADT (Don't Ask Don't Tell) arrangement, and I was to keep everyone hidden and put away, and we were not going to discuss untying, other than "are you gay and like guys?". Please understand that only your husband can answer that question for you, and like Char said, he does know and its up to him to sit with you and try to explain what he thinks and feels. You are to be praised since you are trying to figure out what to do, and if it bothers you that much, please don't be afraid and tell him so. He of all people, should understand what you are going thru and how he needs to support you right now. BTW, after several years, my wife slowly started opening up to Maria, only in the house, and with the understanding that there is to be no wig or makeup. For me at least, its not about that .... its about the clothes and of course, the heels, which I enjoy and also purchase as a collection. Only with her backing and pushing, did I venture out, and I am eternally grateful for her because Maria gets to spread her wings and just experience a few hours out, once a moth, at a local Long island gathering that she found online for me..

Best of luck and thank you for coming and saying hi to us and sharing....


hugs,
Maria

[Tracii G]

Welcome Confused you made the right choice by coming here.
You do know he is still the same person right?
If you truly love him like you say you do then why does this news change how you feel about him?
Being a crossdresser isn't the end of the world so why are you freaking out over it?
Are you more worried about how people will see you if they find out?
Reverse the roles and imagine you wanted to wear mens clothes and wear a fake beard how would you deal with a husband that didn't understand or even try to understand ?
There is way more to this than you could ever imagine and you are just at the beginning so get ready for a learning curve.
Everything you think you know about crossdressing men will be dispelled trust me.

[Di]

Deep breath it seems overwhelming right now but trust me it will not be that way for ever.
Keep talking and both keep being open to each other.
I am glad he told you ......many are very afraid to and wife’s sometimes find out by accident and the betrayal is even worse.
He is the same person you love and trust me he loves you he prob was very worried about telling you.He prob hid this because many think it will go away , but it really is just part of him.
He really is the same person nothing has changed except you know his secret.
Like I said keep talking you can make this work between the two of you.
Hope you join us in Fab ....you can check out the requirements in the link in my signature.
Best Wishes

[Michellebej]

Lets start with the kids. They are way more resilient than you can imagine. Most couple just don't let do "it' when the kids are around. If there are always womens clothes in your room and closet, then that is what they will expect to see. Trust me most are not going to be going through your things checking on sizes! I have a daughter that knows and is totally accepting of it. I have a son who knows...and I did not until recently know that he knew. He just never thought that much of it. His wife and I got into a fight and she decided to get even by telling my kids. My two kids who lived out of state did not want to believe her and still don't. Trust me on this the children require love more than they care about what Dad is wearing....as long as you set bounderies. I have never dressed in front of any but my oldest child/daughter.

My ex-wife, had some initial issues and then came to accept it, and even to encourage it. We eventually divorced over mother in law issues. She is dealing with cancer now and we have had some long talks. She tells me that leaving me was the biggest mistake in her life. That she misses her "girlfriend" very much and that life with a "Manly man" ( her current husband) is boring and unfullfilling. I'm not saying that you will find yourself in this situation, just that things change. And people can find themselves years later with attitudes that they never thought possible.

Lastly, ask yourself why you feel betrayed. I'm sure you do, and only you can answer this for yourself. But is it because he hid something important from you before you were married? This is more common than you think. It is very rare for people to tell their significant other every. single. detail. of their life, before they take the next step. It is human nature. Very few people are open books.

If you do go to a therapist try to go to a one who is non sectarian. I know a lot of marriages ended because they chose their minister.

good luck and remember that this too will pass with the passage of time.

[sometimes_miss]

The most important thing to remember, is that he's the very same person that he's always been, and his love for you is the same as well. Only your perception of him, is what has changed.
No one chooses to become a crossdresser. For many of us, we go through a period in our lives where we were able to stop, and think that it was either a phase we were going through, or, that we have 'beaten' it and will feel no further desire to crossdress. Unfortunately, the desire seems to always come back, even stronger than before. Are we 'broken'? Well, no. But we're stuck with a desire to do something that most women can't accept.

Perhaps look into discussing this with a gender specializing therapist; it will be helpful to have a non critical objective viewpoint as you and your husband go through this together.

[Aunt Kelly]

"Confused" you certainly must be, and I get the sense of betrayal, but I'd suggest thinking about it a little bit differently. You husband has probably always been this way, so this coming to light now is not really a betrayal, but he has deceived you by hiding this from you. The hurt you're feeling now that the deception has come to light is legitimate and real. Nothing anyone here can say will change that.

The two of you can get past this, but you (both of you) will need to deal with the trust issue. Your husband must take ownership of the deception and the damage that has caused. You must understand that the desire to crossdress is a part of him, and that while he may be able to suppress it, that act of suppression often has undesirable long-term sequelae.

You've already been flooded with opinions and advice. The best of that advice is to seek counseling. Find someone you both can trust to help you develop a better understanding of this thing. It seems that you both love each other, and that's a great place to start the process of understanding. Go find that guide and get back to a happy life. It is possible.

[Lydianne]

Sometimes the knowledge about how a food is prepared can put you off, even if it tasted good beforehand. Hence "fair trade" and "sustainably grown".

- Lydianne.

[Rochal Tukque]

Dear Confused, I don’t think any of us are able to perfectly hide our femme side %100 percent from our partners. There are always little tall tail signs. So what made him special over other people you may have an interest in? Maybe your eye might have caught some of those little femme things that made the WHOLE package that special person in your life. Someone you desired to spend your life with. So what has really changed? He’s been dressing all along. All of that is what made up that person you love. Dressing is part of our being it’s not we are a separate person for it and it is intertwined in who we are. I think if you think on it for a while, you’ll find you saw some of those things that made up the one that caught your eye.

[docrobbysherry]

Confused: U have every rite to feel betrayed. He should have told u before!

However, there were reasons he didn't. Until u and we know what they were? I believe u should hold off coming to any conclusions! He may be as upset as u r!

[confused_cathreen]

Sometimes the knowledge about how a food is prepared can put you off, even if it tasted good beforehand. Hence "fair trade" and "sustainably grown".

- Lydianne.

Lydianne nailed it here on the "same person as before" argument.

Wow, I am having flashback here of myself a year ago. See the "confused" in my name? That was me as well.
I am going to go against the grain and say something different. You say you have two children and since you have been with your husband for three years, assuming they are toddlers at best. Some of the latest pregnancy hormones are still swimming around in you. Anxiety is definitely going to be heightened under those circumstances, so the most important thing at the moment is to concentrate on yourself and your children. Forget worrying about how he feels, if he is scared and you needing to say the right thing to reassure him and just worry about dealing with the here and now. Absolutely everything you are feeling is valid and a very appropriate reaction. It's not important where he wants to go with crossdressing. It's not important if he wants to go out of the house dressed or not. It's not important if he is more attracted to himself dressed than you (after pregnancy, no woman is as self-confident as she was before, it's a price I was happy to pay for the joy my child brought to my life). I don't care if this sounds selfish but for now, he doesn't matter. Concentrate on yourself and your feelings.

"Confused" you certainly must be, and I get the sense of betrayal, but I'd suggest thinking about it a little bit differently. You husband has probably always been this way, so this coming to light now is not really a betrayal, but he has deceived you by hiding this from you. The hurt you're feeling now that the deception has come to light is legitimate and real. Nothing anyone here can say will change that.

The two of you can get past this, but you (both of you) will need to deal with the trust issue. Your husband must take ownership of the deception and the damage that has caused. You must understand that the desire to crossdress is a part of him, and that while he may be able to suppress it, that act of suppression often has undesirable long-term sequelae.

You've already been flooded with opinions and advice. The best of that advice is to seek counseling. Find someone you both can trust to help you develop a better understanding of this thing. It seems that you both love each other, and that's a great place to start the process of understanding. Go find that guide and get back to a happy life. It is possible.

I totally agree with Aunt Kelly. This is the crux of the matter. Trust. And the fact that it will make you look at him under a different light. If he is still the same person, then are you questioning whether you actually ever knew him? Are you feeling like you've been duped? And have you started questioning his motives about marrying you so quickly and having two children with you in quick succession? If you find yourself asking yourself those questions, know that they are valid questions and very logical. Without trust, having any sort of open dialogue is impossible because anything he says, you will not believe. So you might find yourself stuck about finding the truth because you won't trust the one person who can provide the truth. Add to that, that many here haven't figured out the truth themselves until it was way too late within the relationship, and you got an issue that never stops giving. Crossdressing can be the dealbreaker character trait that many marriages have been sacrificed for because of it's unpredictable nature. And if security is paramount to you, your relationship might never feel secure enough again. Again, a very logical reaction.
So, where do you go from here? Well, that is different for many people. But taking into consideration your anxiousness, I again agree with Aunt Kelly. Therapy if accessible. It will take a tremendous amount of work to heal the rift. And that is not something that can be done without professional help, because neither of you will be able to see eachother's point of view clearly. I consider myself an open minded person as well, a great ally for the LGBT community. When this issue came knocking on my door, I was bewildered. Grown men needing to play dress-up and pretend they are women? Never heard of such a thing before, and I had heard a lot. Apologies to the community here but for someone with no gender conflict, it's impossible to comprehend. I knew trans MtF had those needs, as it was logical they would want to look like they felt inside, but just plain wearing the clothes? Makes zero logical sense. You might notice I use the word "logical" a lot, it's to underline that it's not only the emotional a female partner has to deal with; it's also the illogical nature of crossdressing.
Try to get yourself ten comments on this or other threads and apply for the Fab part of this forum. I have said it before, it saved my sanity when the next stage of my partner's revelation hit, the anger. That was the hardest and longest one I still occasionally feel. For now, take each day as it comes and try not to fuss over the future, if you can't make it through today, the future won't matter anyway. Remember you are not alone and you will have the support of this forum, females and males alike. My thoughts are with you, my dear.

[Patience]

C&B:

You can’t think we’re so terrible if you chose to vent your frustration here.

If you honestly give yourself a chance to understand us, I think you’ll find that we’re just like everybody else, except that we’re unique in this special way; just like others have different things that are special about them. Yes, there’s a social stigma to it, but so do many things. Crossdressers are not out to harm others and crossdressing is not illegal. We just want our place in the sun like everyone else.

But you’re missing the greatest silver lining of them all: we often read and hear stories of women in unhappy marriages because of physically and/or emotionally abusive husbands. What percentage of those were also crossdressers? Now, I’m not saying they don’t exist; but without being too smug about it, being a crossdresser requires a certain sensibility you wouldn’t find in your average abusive husband; in fact, this kind of sensibility would very much go against their grain, if you know what I mean.

There are stories on this forum about folks who come out to their wives after 10,20 or more years of marriage. I think it’s a good sign that your husband had enough faith in you and your marriage to come out to you after only two years. I don’t know your husband, but I’ll bet he’d have told you on day one if he weren’t afraid of how you might react. Withholding this information from you during this time wasn’t pleasant for him either, so even though it may not seem that way right now, you’re both better off, because now it’s out in the open, you can work through it together.

So welcome to the forum, such as it is. There’s a lot of good info. There’s also a lot of threads that are pointless and stupid. So it’s pretty much your average kind of forum. Good luck sifting through it.

[Helen_Highwater]

Hi and welcome.

Your feelings are totally understandable. As you say things such as this just don't pop up in even someone's wildest dreams.

I feel it's worth reiterating that he remains the same person. This isn't a reflection of any shortcomings on your part. It was there in him from the start. Read here and you'll see that so many of us can trace our dressing back to pre teens. Keeping it hidden is a consequence of society's view the nature of a CD'er in much the same way Gay people were viewed only a matter of decades ago. Thankfully trans issues are now starting to gain the respect and tolerance now afforded to the wider LGBT community.

What I did find illuminating was your comment;

"*but what he wants to wear at home just makes me sick in my stomach. I always imagined what he wants for himself would be what he would want to see me in"

From this I'm assuming your SO's dressing is perhaps more towards the fetish fantasy side. More street walker than dog walker. I could see why something like that would place the seeds if doubt as to whether or not you are fulfilling his inner desires. I think it's safe to say that the two aren't linked. There are a few here who mix their dressing with what goes on in the bedroom. However I feel it's fair to say that they're not mutually inclusive. The two can easily be separated into two distinct parts.

Tell your SO about your dislike of what he wears and see if he can explain what draws him to it. If he dressed in something a little more conservative would you find that easier to come to terms with?

Now dialogue has started keep it going. Stay calm, don't panic, you can work this out.

[Andrea Renea]

This is tough when you first find out. Usually by accident. He did the right thing by telling you himself.

Sound like your marriage was good before you found out.

Work through this. Its not the end of the world.
Work together to set ground rules about his dressing.

I told my wife 18 years into our marriage. She was surprised. Her biggest concern was and is that someone we know will see me out in public.
For her she has a 2nd set of clothes to choose from.

Communication is the key to working through this.

I wish you both the best.

Andrea

[Diane Taylor]

When a wife finds out that her husband is a crossdresser it's just about always a shock to the system. You feel hurt and betrayed. Maybe you feel anger. Your first thoughts are about you and/or the kids and how bad you feel but remember that HE has had to go through life with a secret that he shouldn't have to keep hidden. You stated "What if the kids find out? WHEN they find out they too will be surprised but if they love their dad they will act no differently than if he WASN'T a crossdresser. What as a mother do you do? You teach them about the fact that some people are different than what society expects them to be. When you see your husband dressed at home it makes you sick to your stomach......over time the initial shock will wear off especially if you look past the clothing. I'm positive that eventually he'll want to go out in public so be prepared for that. You say that you love your husband more than anything so show that love by being supportive.

[Rhonda Jean]

I'm curious about what popped into your head when you first found out. Everybody has some preconceived notion of what a crossdresser is. It's unlikely that whatever that image is for you is far from what your husband actually is. Still, that'll be hard to shake.

[Tracii G]

You claim to support LGBT people OK fine then but understand crossdressers may not be gay or transgender.
If he is dressing like a **** thats pretty common because thats the look he likes at this time he will grow out of that more than likely.
This sounds to me that you are of the"not in my backyard" crowd.Than meaning its OK for some but not MY husband.
Betrayed you say? That seems pretty harsh I'm sure there are things about you that you conveniently didn't tell him.
You seem pretty self centered in my opinion.

[GretchenM]

Welcome and I think you will find a great diversity of responses here, but everyone is trying to help. That is the wonderful thing about this place. Not only do you find pathways, many of which may be quite new for you, but through that exposure you will find the answers for you and your husband. The answers will likely be dynamic and will require some different kind of thinking, but the options are vast. That said, you will also find threads that are irrelevant and unhelpful. We are all different whether cisgender, transgender, crossdresser or anything else in this vast world of gender variance and the gender spectrum.

This is similar to what happened in 2012 between me and my wife of 44 years. It was a shock to both of us. I had to come out after 60 years of hiding, shame, secrecy, and sometimes deep, deep depression over my secret. My wife felt totally blindsided. Some couples reach a point where there is full acceptance and their lives change dramatically and happily. Most end up with establishing some kind of boundaries with a realization that this new element is not a disaster, but an expansion. The love often wins even though its nature changes a bit. For us, there are tight boundaries limiting for me, but I understand and accept it. On the other hand she doesn't mind if I include some very mild feminine attire. But that is us. It is not ideal for either of us, but then life is not an idealistic fantasy and things do change and sometimes the changes are huge. When I first came out we both went to separate therapists at the local gender identity center. That opened doors to communication and more acceptance; not complete, but more. It has worked and we just celebrated a happy 50th anniversary last month. It takes time. The love continued, but we were both totally perplexed by what to do. I went to group therapy; we both went to individual therapy. It was rough, but it worked as intended because we kept an open mind about the changes, both the negative and the positive changes.

This characteristic is a deep seated element of a CD/TG person and most of us have kept it deeply hidden all our lives. Why? Because of feelings of shame and all that grows out of that feeling. Our society teaches us that crossdressing is a terrible sin and when we engage in the behavior at some point there are feelings of shame for doing something very, very wrong. But we can't stop because it is a part of who we are as individuals. Society expects high consistency in gender behavior, but that is not the reality. Women can wear men's clothes and hardly bats and eye and they can do so because it is a bit of who they are. But men can't where women's clothes, even a few, without eventually being shamed or feeling ashamed. Society's expectations do not reflect the reality; they are idealistic.

Masculine male and feminine female are not nearly so cut and dried as we have been taught. Recently there is a vast amount of evidence that this behavior has a foundation in genetics and that is why we really can't completely quit. It is not a habit; it is inherent. Environment modifies that genetic pre-disposition, but like all pre-dispositions, once it is turned on there is no off switch. Modification? Yes. Elimination? Highly unlikely to impossible. It is like a right-handed person (a predisposition) suddenly becoming left handed. Doesn't happen. Your handedness is a predisposition when you are born; it becomes fixed as a result of grasping things as a baby and finding out one hand works a whole lot better than the other. The switch is flipped and that becomes your handedness before you are 6 months old. It is open ended when born because you might have a predisposition for right handedness but you have no right hand. You become left handed and the predisposition for right handedness is never turned on.

The key is communication pathways and finding compromises as needed as well as acceptance of the reality of each of your perspectives and that reality is in fact not an illusion or a fantasy. The realities are defining. But keep talking in little bits and pieces rather than swimming in a flood of revelations. Total honesty with each other is vital. Talk about facts, but, even more important talk about feelings - how this or that makes you feel irrespective of the facts. Then as you each begin to grasp each other's feelings you can begin to assemble a blend of feelings and facts to form solutions some of which may be one way or the other OR, more likely, compromises that are acceptable even though not ideal. If the love is sound then it is likely to be the winning card and will allow you two to find solutions. And don't be afraid to see a couples therapist that you both find acceptable. Not all therapists are a good match for a particular problem. Not the therapist's fault - it is just a fact that therapist and client personalities need to mesh and generate feelings of trust.

Spend time reading through some of the thousands of threads here. Many will generate no reaction or even negative reaction, but some will grab something in you that is very deep and makes perfect sense. Please don't rush the process of adapting - it takes time and can be very trying as well as exhausting. Through it all, if you keep the love for each other as the binding thread, you find solutions. As for the kids, don't make any changes in their knowledge until the two of you are on more solid ground. Kids are very accepting, but only if what they hear and see seems to be stable and not creating friction between the two of you.

[Paige Dehart]

Tracii, Give her a break she just found out! She at least is trying to find help and possibly understanding.

[ambigendrous]

Communication is key - if something he wears makes you uncomfortable, then let him know, but do it constructively! I wear nightgowns to bed most nights, and I had one that was mid-thigh length, white satin with a sequin-encrusted bodice. After I had worn it a few times my wife mentioned that she didn't like the way I looked in it - that she prefered the longer ones, and no sequins. So, off it went to Goodwill! If she had just said "Get rid of that one!" or something along those lines I would have been defiant, or upset, or some other emotion but by letting me know that other options were acceptable to her I was happy adjust.

If your husband is wearing things that make you uncomfortable then offer some alternatives. You sound like you could possibly accept dressing if he changed his style so help him find a style more acceptable to you. If you find that you just can't accept him dressed up then you might want to discuss giving him some alone time so he can dress up while you go out with friends or something...