Trying to embarrass me into stopping.Originally Posted by ShortSkirt
Trying to embarrass me into stopping.
Dear Sheena's wife,
Welcome and I hope you stick around for a while.
First thing I want to respond to is that you are not handling this on your own, your husband is in there right along with you. Second thing is if you do a little research on Cross Dressing you will find that he can not get over it. I am sorry to say but it is the way that it is. Your initial support of what and who your husband is, as you yourself said, was the loving thing to do. Your husband has not changed, your perception of him has changed though. Perception is reality. You say you went along with it because you loved him. Well if you still have some love for him I would say you need to talk to him. Tell him what bothers you, what you do not like and what you are OK with. If you can talk with one another I think you can come to an understanding. What you can deal with and what he needs you can work out if the two of you can communicate with each other. If you can not deal with the fact that your SO is CD then it may be time to move on and let the other person go where they need to go. It sounds like you love this person though, and if you do talking with them is a good thing to do. I wish you all of the best and I do hope you can work this out.
Feeling and looking great
Jasmine and Donna
Swiss Miss
Please come and join the women in ~ GIRL TALK ~ who understand your perspective.
You might find some comfort there in what you have been feeling these past few months.
[SIZE="4"]Momarie[/SIZE]
At first I was ready to jump in and say how wrong it was for the wife to turn about in such a way, but reading her post, if it was her, helps me think of her issues. Lastly, I do believe Kathy GG said it perfectly. Do that, you'll find if the TG issue is workable.
As I can see it you didn't tell her(him) how you felt. that was deception also.
If I may suggest something, a counselor and a good one is really inorder here
Before you jump to conclusions about what a crossdresser is (or isn't) please take the time to visit my web site TOGETHER with your husband and read the material there Link is below). It's a CLEAN site so you won't find anything there to embarrass you, and you MAY find some information that will be of help to you. After you've read some of the material, if you decide you would like to know more, please email me and I'll send you a draft copy of what will probably be the next addition to the site. I think you would find it to be quite informative.
Also, keep in mind that THIS forum is here to help YOU, as well as your husband so please DO ask questions.
Dixie Darling -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd
Let's slow down a bit.
I heard a couple of things in the earlier posts that concern me. The first was the reference to Sheena's wife's attendance at a 3 day "women's retreat". The second thing was the use of the term "enabler". And the third was Sheena's wife referring to her actions as "repentance".
For those of you not familiar with the "enabler" term, it is used most commonly in regard to alcohol and substance abuse. It refers to the behavior of the SO of the abuser that enables, or encourages, the abuser to continue the substance abuse. It is a significant part of the therapy of a substance abuser to assist the SO in changing the enabling behavior.
I know I may be speculating way too much, but if my concerns are anywhere near the facts, Sheena, and Sheena's Wife need to slow down a bit. If, in fact, Sheena's wife is getting counseling from a source that is treating this problem along the lines of the 12 step model of substance abuse treatment, she is getting a serious disservice.
In the best of light, it may simply be someone who knows nothing about CDing trying to use the only tools they have to help her deal with the problem. Unfortuneately, her behavior is also suggestive of getting counseling from one of the many religious groups who believe they are sanctioned by God to use any techniques available, (including aggressive embarrassment), to do God's will as they see it.
To equate Crossdressing and/or Gender Identity Disorder with substance abuse is a serious mistake, and generally made by amateurs.
Now, if there is a substance disorder occuring parallel to the CDing disorder, (possibly as a way for the crossdresser to self medicate as a way to deal with the stress of CDing.), that needs to be separated from the crossdressing, and dealt with as an inefficient coping mechanism.
In any case, both of them need to see someone who is experienced in CDing. This whole area is very complicated, and needs to be handled by professionals when there is this level of difficulty in the marriage.
I beleive shw should of asked if you were O.K. with that...she was way out of line...big time...she should have told you she talked to someone....obviously she told them or someone before this happened....you two need to sit down like adults and seriously talk about this. And forgivness will be hard for you...been there......especially if she accepted you and went shopping with you....I feel for ya....good luck
Sheena's wife you need to join under your own name for me to believe in this post any more.
Like Tina, I'm not sure we're really hearing from Sheena's wife. But even if we're not, I'm really not into wife bashing. I think that a fundamental part of selfawareness has to be appreciating that many ggs just don't want a relationship with a cd/tg/ts - that orientation is as much genetic/normal/natural for them as being cd/tg/ts is for us. It's wonderful that so many are able to come to deal with it as well as they do. Also, it seems that Sheena and sheena's wife are in an opening phase of dealing with this as a couple - swings in behavior are normal. We purge - why shouldn't spouses have that right too? There's something that's not clear about the idea of sheena's wife bringing a gg friend to the home and then the reference to her and her husband knowing. But, anyhow, taking the part of Sheena's wife, I'd also agree that it's fair for her not to want to think that she is somehow responsible for sheena's condition - she has no obligation to help - if sheena wants clothing, she should take responsibility for dealing with getting them - that's part of coming to deal with who she is also. We can tell sheena's wife that she isn't responsible etc., but it is really very confusing at the beginning.
Speaking from my own experience and what I've learned from it, I can say that being cd/tg/ts makes many of us very manipulative people - we can bring a lot of pressure to bear on people who love us to assist us in this behavior - give us an inch and we take a mile - it's really not fair. and it's something that we need to be aware of and bring under control.
It seems like there's a lot we don't know. I hope Sheena's wife does come here and talk to the other ggs in the private channel - I'm confident that tamara and the other ggs give a needed perspective on things, and also that they can sort out whether they're really dealing with the wife.
I think this sounds critical of sheena but I'm really being critical of my own earlier behavior more than being critical of hers - and just saying - let's be a little more selfaware. It's not an easy path.
Olivia
I agree with Kitty. Time consumption and the amount of time dedicated to your femme self is definately an issue. At least it was with my wife. She questioned the amount of time I spent with the "other woman". Her thing was what was more important to me, my femme self or her. A lot of wives can accept those feelings in you like mine did but didn't like the fact that I was so comfortable going out and mingling with people as Ericka. Talking to any third party is okay as a sounding board, but in the final analysis, it's between you and your wife. Face it, she married a man and that's what she expected. Not a man who wears dresses and makeup. If you do talk and come to some kind of agreement, make sure you can handle your part of the bargain whatever you decide to do. I know, I learned the hard way. Ericka
I feel for both of you. I have only a couple of thoughts.
The first is that it can take a long time for a partner to come to terms with this sort of TG revelation - so I think you were a bit naive to assume things were going swimmingly and that the applecart wouldn't get upset at some point.
The second is that reading between the lines - you seem to me to be a long, long way from even contemplating SRS. You need to get your feet back on the ground and think things through a bit.
Sounds like a bit of counselling may be in order.
Fiona xx
BEEN THERE DONE THAT !!!!! Wife and I are surviving not because either of us is happy about our situation, but because we looked at a marriage that has lasted longer than many of you have been alive and decided we don't want to grow old apart. I have compromised a lot......she has compromised a little.....things can't go back to the way they were, but we are trying to rebuild based on our love and respect for one another.
Emily Ann
To Sheena's Wife: I can relate to you! My husband is a cd and although I found out a few years ago, we both ASSUMED what was convenient for ourselves without communicating openly and honestly. Hence the communication completely broke down couple of years ago...and we almost did too!
My husband feels cd is a burden on him...I made him understand that I feel it's a burden on me too...something he knew but did NOT stop to think about. I tried to do the loving thing too...but the more I gave, the more he asked for. We stopped having fun.
This forum has helped me realized that I did a lot for him AND THAT I SHOULD HAVE RECEIVED CREDIT FOR THAT...more consideration and patience with what I too was going through.
We both made mistakes. Now we both realize them and are working more closely and intimately to resolve them. Recently I asked him HOW LONG it took him to accept his cd and why he would have expected me to accept it in a much much shorter period of time.
Sooo...if you did all that you say you did...take a little break, learn more about it by reading as many postings here as you possibly can by going back as many months/years as you can...AND THEN SIT DOWN AND RE-NEGOTIATE the deal!
I read a few books when I first found out but I now feel that they were written more from the male perspective. So, if you need both perspectives like I did, or if you wish to draw your own conclusions, read and ask questions here. Jean
Firstly your husband is not distroying himself, nor are the rest of us, the fact we are doing something some people don't and can't understand, does not make it wrong! Sadly also being told to stop doesn't work, I've told my SO many times that I love to Crossdress, but if there was a magic pill to take to cure me, I'd take it for her, but there isn't. this is a brain thing, a felling and a desire, there is no cure, it the same as being a good person or a bad person, you can have a pride in your action and respect for other, yet some simply dont. they have no respect.
the fact you don't wish to support his crossdressing is clear, but that is no reason to rebuke him, or belitte him to friends and family. if you can't resolve the differences between yourself, bringing in outsides will only add more problems to your already overflowing pot of trouble. you both have to realise that sometimes there is no resolve and there is no answer, and if all is lost, then it is lost. Hurting each other is not going to improve, or aid the situation, a lost cause is a lost cause, but please don't make it a WAR!
It seems to me that he can't function without it.
Some can't other can, but most of us lear to live with that in our lives and live our lifes, to most crossdressing is a very small part of the whole thing, but everybody is different. as are our goals, dreams, and desires.
He thinks I betrayed a confidence and I didn't want this kind of confidence to betray. He thought we were having fun with it but I was gritting my teeth and bearing it out of love for him.
in a way, you did betray him, as you clearly didn't tell him the truth, which is the most important thing in any relationship. there built on trust, honesty, and love. sometimes the fact that we love someone, doesn't mean we have to conform to there rules or desires, but if we give indication of bending to them, yet deep down we are hating it, then a situation like this inevitable, as is the out come, such as your reaction.
sadly your husband is not broken nor can he be fixed, but sometimes we do things for others which are difficult to understand ourselves. My SO continues to struggle to accept me, and I'm so grateful to her for every inch she climbs, but Iknow she will never understand this diesire I have, and the reason she never will, is because I don't understand it myself!!!!
I'm 45, I have a loving wife, a family, a good job, and interest I enjoy, I have reasonable health, I'm not rich, but I can enjoy what I have, why the hell do I want to dress up as a girl! I honestly don't know, nor can i give you and answer as most here could not tell you why also, all we know is we are mentally programed to do this, be it throught our Genes, or mental or even sexual triggers, but as to why, sorry I don't have a clue.
gritting your teeth, to see you through is not the way forward, but niether is expecting him to stop when you say so, this thing just doesn't work like that.
love and trust, affection and love can see people through this, if they have a desire to understand, and standby the one they love. yet if your filled with dread, you might get through, but if you have a loathing and more, nothing will ever put that right.
Cya
Tracy
[SIZE="2"]The nail that stands out the most, is the one that is hammered down the hardest![/SIZE]
Thank you girls for your responce's. Yes, Sheena's wife is really my wife. I'm hoping when she reads this post sometime this morning she will be encouraged to use her own account and follow thru with asking questions here in this forum. She didn't throw away my things but hid them out and now has returned them and told me that I can do what I want but she' s not going to be apart of any of it anymore. I'm real reluctent to express this part of me around her anymore and guess I shouldn't, back to the closet? Silly, but I just want to cry.
Thanks,
Sheena
Sheena, I am really soory to hear about your difficulties. I know it's not easy and that looking forward is difficult.
Having been there, that is no way to live. As others have mentioned, seek counsiling, do not avoid communicating with each other over this sensitive issue and try to come to terms with where both of you are today and where you want to go, both in life and relationship. Life is too short to be living a lie.
Julia
I am very curious as to what the nature of that retreat was. Was it a religious retreat that preached CDing is some kind of a sin? Why did the retreat trigger the wife's behavior?
I stick by my original opinion. This marriage is now fatally flawed and at best can be temporarily patched up. Put both parties out of their misery and bring it to as clean an end as possible.
[SIZE="5"]Helen[/SIZE]
I've been watching this thread with interest, and there's just one thing I'm curious about. Sheena, if your wife has her own account like you just said, why did she post on your account? Just curious, is all.
Karen
I don't think sheena's wife deserves any lectures on honesty.
It's a very complicated issue for women too....
She did give your things back and I think that is very symbolic.
She did bring in someone else into a very private thing between you two and not in a way that anyone would condone and she did own up to it and publicly apologize, but then you brought it in here for all of us to see and she read the unvarnished truths of how other Cd's felt about her.
She's alone with all this and you are getting a lot of support in here because after all it is a Cross Dresser's Forum.
But this whole thing of eventually being found out and the painful aftermaths are felt by all.
It's not her fault, it's not your fault.....it just happens.
It's a lot for a woman to take in, to try and understand...not just where you are coming from and have suffered but it is a monumental shift in her life as well.
She needs your comfort and reassurance of your love for her and the life you have shared.
Not someone feeling sorry for himself and giving up because she is not ready to give you exactly what you want right now.
[SIZE="4"]Momarie[/SIZE]
I just want to weigh in my two cents worth here too. I am in a similar position. When my wife found out about my CDing I came clean on the issue. I told here that I would seek consuling about it but the first time she went to see the consuler she got all upset. One of the receptionist at the medical center told her if you husband is CD he is not going to change his behavour. I sought consuling to but the therapist that I saw was preatty naive when it comes to this issue. I ended up being in a sexual addiction program for 28 days which did not help me overcome this. To put it bluntly my relationship with my wife of over eight years is going to end up in divorce. For one I can not stay in a relationship where my every action is going to be suspect and the understandable lack of trust is just too much for me to take. To not be able to live my life as Joan is just too much for my to take. Since I have been on my own I have found a new inner peace now that I am able to express myself as I truely am. I have come to the conculsion that I am not a sex addict, but that I surely am a TS and am on the way to make that come to a reality. The more I look into it the more I know that it is sure. And my current threrapist has seen the change in my attitude and self acceptance now that I have come out of the closet and into the light of day. Some may say that I am being totally self centered and selfish about my behavoir, but at least now I feel like a whole person, I not have to put up a false front to others. And finally I have determined today that I am living 70% of the time as a woman now. And I feel great about that, it just feels natural to me it is the way God intended me to be.
Joan Lynn
Just a girl stranded on her little red island amongst a lovely sea of blue.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, for those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind."
Dr. Seuss
Would you stop doing some thing that made you feel good? If he told you. Becuase hate seeing you that way and he likes the old you?
GypsyKaren
My wife had an account but never used it and I guess was deleted she has reestablished that account and was going to answer this post this morning but wasn't aloud too, I guess still too new. So tomarrow I hope and I hope she plugs in with other SO's. At first, when I was educating myself she would read articles I would find and read my posts.
Jillian310 & GG Vanya
Christian retreat but I don't think the subject of CD was any part of it.
Christian retreat. You doom. With that I mean your feeling and life are going to mean very little. Plus your always going to be wrong. Start packing if ever going happy with shelf. It s always going but her and not you it seems?
Posting Permissions
