Share the arc of your crossdressing life

[phili]

I am 68, having crossdressed passionately since age 4. Only in the last few years since retirement have I been able to finally move out of the closet and examine my urge in the light of day, and I have transformed. I see the everflowing river of new members joining, the common experience of being trapped in a mystery, and wonder if it might help members to see how the life story unfolds for others in a quick overview.

Please post an overview of your trajectory too! Whatever age you are - capture the moments when the story changes and why.

My story:
Age 4- Discover there are two anatomical genders, and clothing is different. Want to wear the clothing assigned to females, and it feels right in many ways. Try to share my discovery with parents and be violently suppressed. Go into closet, since I feel good doing it, and it doesn't feel wrong. Learn not to cry and how to suppress all feelings and be a man in society. It has its good points, and females are obviously suppressed, except emotionally. I pursue being a boy.
Age 5-15- Take private moments to find and wear girl's clothes, testing out the feeling- exploring my urge but it is difficult and sparse. I'm avoiding discovery. I feel split into two personalities, one hidden.
Age 16-20 I hate hiding, and share my desire with girlfriends-mate-seeking and trying to reach out and be accepted. Generally they accept underdressing as a quirk, but not more- so the effort fails to become one person. Sexual differentiation is growing, and I am more jealous of females. Realize that sexually I have feminine inclinations and test out whether men will find me desirable and enjoy me in a dress. I do enjoy being feminine in sex, and at least there are a few men who are fine with me in a dress, but in a desultory way, as it is not what attracts them. I see I want a family, and feel heterosexual, so I quit and go back to seeking a female partner who accepts me in order to have a family.
Age 21- 30 Try again with long term girlfriend who is supportive of underdressing because she loves me. It isn't enough- I can't understand why- but we break up because I can't marry her without knowing I'll be able to be understood and accepted wholly.
Age 30 -36 Cast about for relationship and am back in secret crossdressing/sharing with prospective girlfriends.
Age 36-66 Propose to a wonderful woman shortly after meeting her. I am 100% sure I want to be with her. At the last minute I confess I crossdress secretly, as a way to make sure I have disclosed everything important. It wasn't part of our courtship, and she says ok it is not a problem, but life goes on in a whirlwind of having and raising a child, job, etc. She says, and I see, that me trying to incorporate crossdressing into my life even at home is going to be a confusing problem for our child to make sense of it in an unaccepting world, and my wife doesn't want to have to explain it to her or anyone during this critical time. I am pursuing my career and financial security- my urge to crossdress is subdued by the other demands. I am split and hollow, but at least everyone else is safe.
Age 67- We retire. My wife asks on vacation why I am distracted- I decide it is now or never- as I can see the end of my life now in finite terms. I say I am daydreaming about crossdressing. She is appalled. It turns out she didn't really understand what I meant when I said I crossdressed, and I would have had to give her the real taste of it during courtship. She understands the theory of why, but is skeptical. I need to find some way to feel whole. I realize there are several strands to my crossdressing- underlying feminine sexuality, desperate need to be able to feel more emotionally fluid, artistic leanings, etc. In a dream I find my category - 'mirl'- a male girl. It gives me a place in the universe. She is dreaming of being the domestic feminine partner of a handsome man who handles the difficult things.

We are at an impasse. Having lived so long, life is more clear now in its irreducible elements. I see that long term relationships are composed of many levels of interacting compromises. I try every kind of appeal to gain more freedom, and the steady state that works so far is to take all private moments and crossdress, enjoy myself fully, and to go out in the world when my wife has something to do elsewhere. It is all personal now- DADT seems to work the best- what my wife doesn't see she has difficulty thinking about, so I have space to live. I live in a liberal area and when I go out in a dress I look to the general public like just another gender exploring ex-hippie. I find friends and form relationships at college or volunteer events. I am scratching items off my bucket list- I wear really cute dresses and claim space in the world. I was astonished to find I am not troubled to be seen in a dress. I am a mirl- and I am peaceful at last.

I am feeling whole now, and finally like the person I was meant to be. Though I am hampered by my wife's revulsion, I can understand it sympathetically, and this is the person I chose to commit to. I feel like many a wife feels whose husband is not understanding or accepting of them or supporting their growth. I accept it as the human condition. I am very grateful for the freedom I actually have, and for the unbinding of my emotions. I find that when I am feeling feminine I prefer feminine clothes, but I don't need them anymore to liberate my feelings. Life is circling around at last and I am feeling like a full human being for whom masculine and feminine behaviors and dress are equally available options. I can feel so much more now. I can see how the feminine and masculine behaviors are cultivated and performed, as much as innate drives or preferences. I focus on making the most of my opportunities to live more fully each day. A friend calling my name resets it as all mine, rather than my father's name, and an ill-fitting masculine brand. Thank you.

Looking forward to your life stories!
Phil

[Stephanie47]

To some extent my life story is similar to the vast majority of men who "need" to fully express themselves by wearing women's clothing and emulating a woman.

1) As a young child I had absolutely no thoughts of wearing girl clothing. I was all things little boy with the battle scars to prove it. I had no use for girls. They did not do the things I liked to do; play baseball, football, roller hockey (no ice), basketball, plays cops and robbers or war or cowboys & Indians. I had a tendency to go to the principal's office too many times. Ouch!

2) With some hindsight and education the only thing that does make me wonder the root of this "need" is a love for my mother's nylon slips. She use to hang them to dry on a clothesline strung down a hallway in our apartment. I loved the feel of the fabric. I was drawn to it. I did fondle the fabric and finally decided to put them on. I had no thoughts of being a female. I have mentioned before a troublesome vision I had as a young kid...maybe four years old. I had a vision that I was a young woman laying in the mud after being assaulted (beat up) and wearing only a white slip. It was not until a couple of years ago I saw a television series of little kids remember have lived past lives. Interesting speculation on my part.

3) As an early teen when the raging hormones came into play I started developing the "need" to wear more than a slip which was not more than put it on for a few minutes and then take it off. Why I progressed to wearing hosiery and a girdle, panties and a bra along with the slip I have no idea. Society at that time deemed all men who wore women's clothing to be homosexuals. Very confusing for a young guy lusting after movie starlets and pretty girls on the block. In my late teens it sort of mellowed out. I had too much to do. I had to work when not studying/going to college. After college graduation (22) Uncle Sam called and said my young body was needed in Southeast Asia. I spent two years which included slogging through the jungles trying to kill people and trying to avoid the same. I was partly successful as a booby trap cut my tour short. During those years masculine hormones kicked in. There must be a male hormones/gene dedicated to self preservation. While in the army I met my wife of close to fifty years. Dynamite young women. Sexy as a woman can be. Do I tell her of my past dabbling in my mother's lingerie draw so long ago. No, but, it did gnaw on me.

4) Enter the stage of happily married life. What can happen when a guy who loved the feel of nylon find his lovely young wife laying beside him every night attired in sensuous nylon gowns/lingerie. Oh, the lure. She found me one night wearing one of her nightgowns while drinking a glass of water in the kitchen. Why? I like the feel of nylon. We ended up incorporating lingerie and hosiery on me into bedroom activities on occasion. All was well until my interests expanded into buying slips and an occasional panty. But the world turned upside down with that lovely vivid red Vanity Fair bra.

5) Our three year old daughter open the bottom draw of my armoire and innocently pulled out that bra from my stash which consisted of a 12" x 12" box holding everything. "The Talk" ensued. The end result. When my wife realized this was more than a little lingerie quirk she shutdown. We weathered the storm and settled into DADT. There was a period when I tried my best to coax her into participating. No way.

6) It took a long time for me to come to the conclusion that wearing women's clothing reflected a part of me. A counselor I see for war related PTSD is of the opinion each person, male and female, has some dna of the other sex within them. In some it is more than others. I sort of accept that. I also wonder why I still remember that vivid image of myself as a beat up dead young woman laying in the mud attired in a white slip.

7) I have done all that is required of a male. Obviously more than most men. Not many men are called to go out a kill others. But we do. We also raise and provide for families. I weighed what I have achieved and what I do in my private time. Yes, my wife still does not want to deal with it. Deep DADT. When she is away, Stephanie may come out if there is a "need" to counter balance her brother's angst with life. My wife has no idea of the extent of my wardrobe. Unlike some wives mentioned on this forum, she does not go looking for my stash. She does not utter a single thought. What I do miss from all this is not being able to share my full self with the person who is my soulmate. However, I have to respect her limitations and not force it upon her otherwise I would view myself as a male chauvinist pig in a dress.

[Pixie_94]

I'm still in my 20's and things get more uneventful about this without counting the urges coming back with a punch, so I hope I can keep this shorter than I expect.

Long ago as a young lad I used to feel curiosity about how would it be like to be a girl, even sometimes wishing I was born one in the first place (don't worry, that has been gradually disappearing).

Years pass and anything related to what was mentioned before got me in trouble, but the urges came back every once in a while, still not as strong/annoying as recently.

Once I become 20 and try to get over a toxic relationship I decide to go shopping in the middle of one of those trips back home from the university. I have seen the store from a distance in the past weeks, trying to check what did they sell. So that day, after asking friends for advice, I try to supress the fear and shame and get inside. I only bought small and easy-ish to hide things (I wasn't good at hiding anyways). Then once it seemed like a good moment, door locked and tried what I got. Not exactly the right fit, but really soft to the touch.

More of those shopping trips occurred at some points of that same year and the next one and asking my confidents for advice, just in case. Still trying to get things of the right size and eventually did, I even got some high heels once, I was getting good at keeping my balance when walking with them on

Back then I didn't have the shame and guilt some of you might know me for. But on November of 2016 the solid excretion impacted the fan at a high speed.

At that point I was afraid of telling my mother about all of this, but I somehow managed to do it. She wasn't angry at me, but most of the conversation ended up about it being weird, problematic, potential humilliation fuel by others and trying to see if also had anything to do with anime (also, turns out she had found part of my stash and told my father about it, but I got no comments about this happening unyiFrom that moment and on the fear I already had (d)evolved into shame, accompained with guilt and a pinch of self-hatred. My self-esteem was already low, so things started to go downhill.

I started looking for advice, "remedies" and ways to "cure" myself from the urges and all. I tried to supress them to the point this tormented me even when I was trying to keep my mind busy with hobbies. This only got worse to the point I couldn't stand it anymore and I started to purge big parts of my stash, not only putting them in my trash bin, but also tearing them apart, so I couldn't retrieve anything, same thing for the high heels to an extent, however, I did another mistake there and it was not hiding them well before putting them with the trash.

So the story repeated a bit, but this time I got comments about the not well hidden mess behind my closet. Self-hatred only grew and more purges occurred. At that point I stopped buying and to this day I can't go near a clothes store without feeling watched or like something bad will happen.

About a year passed for things to calm down a bit and only recently unironically considered going to therapy to see what can I do about this and my self-esteem.

[NancyJ]

Stephanie and Phili, I can so relate to both of your stories, and found both of them profoundly sad to read. I, also, am in a long term marriage with a non accepting wife and, like Stephanie, have endured the silent treatment and emotional distancing after The Talk and my appeals for understanding. I would never try to demand that she accept my femininity, but her refusal to do so has hurt me and our relationship more than she will ever comprehend. As far as the arc, the older I get, the more I realize that I am transgender, the more I want to be a woman, the more I want to be feminine, and the more I would like to share this with my life partner. Nancy

[Jean 103]

I had like a normal childhood. I had wondered about what it would be like to be a girl. I didn't think much of it just random thoughts.
In high school I was injured during PE, so I didn?t have to go anymore, no more showering at school. I started wearing pantyhose?s under my jeans, I just liked the feel.

I joined the service at 17. While at a training base outside of Memphis I picked up my first boyfriend. He was a little older. He took me to gay bars and drag shows. I was under age, I stayed close to him, he was popular, and no one ever carded me. The main reason I stayed close to him was all these guys were hitting on me. This only lasted for a few months, I chalked it all up to experimentation.

When I was in my late twenty's, I was working for this company and didn't have much money. A couple friends, girls, gave me some of their old jeans. I has even thinner than I am now. They fit like a glove, I wore them to work. During this time I met my wife.

It wasn't till my mid fifty's that I started discovering this side of me. I kept it hidden from my wife. I got caught and eventually moved out leaving her anything. I wasn't planning to be around for long. I started going out and making friends. Before long I came out, I had to because I was becoming too well known. This was six months after moving out.

At the one year mark I rented a house as Jean on a hand shake from one of my new friends. I moved my boyfriend, and friend of his that I had never met, along with this guy's five year old daughter, instant family. I'm the lady of the house. The little girl and I became like sisters. We were all popular, friends popping in, we through parties. I had set up a safe place that you could just drop in and hang.

After a year I broke up with my boyfriend, Gave up the dream. I was so upset, crying all the time. Everyone was mad at me. My closest friends stuck by me.
This is when I moved to where I am now. I rented a room from a wonderful lady. I have been here going on three years. Getting someone to rent you a room in their home as a TG person, now that is acceptance. We have become best friends, I feel like I owe her my life for taking me in.

I have done all this on my own with help from my friends. Not knowing what I was doing I transitioned socially.


My boyfriend died last year. He wanted to get back together, I just couldn?t forgive him for some of the things he said to me after the brake up. It was worse than when I broke up with my wife after 30 years.


No worries I have so many friends and two boyfriends.

Going dancing tonight, tomorrow I'm taking my Landlord/roommate/close friend, to a local town fair. Hope you all have a great weekend.

Love Jean

[ChelsiR]

I am 29 now. I began crossdressing when I was 14 or 15. It was sparked a few years prior when a neighbor girl did my nails. I battled gender identity until my early 20s.

I crossdressed in school all the time (college) as I attended a all girls college (well 99% female but coed). I wore leggings often and boots with heels on them.

Right before I graduated at age 24 I dated a guy. It was fun but he ended up not liking me cding. But from a relationship standpoint it wasn't for me.

I started up eHarmony and dated a few girls and almost gave up hope. Then this short ex military girl came into my life. 2 weeks in I told her everything. 5 1/2 years later and we've been married for 2 years and I've grown to be Chelsi every so often and even sometimes go as a mix. Like today I wore purple plaid jeggings, purple unisex sweater, black boots with a block heel and my nails done purple. No makeup, short hair but 5 o'clock shadow. We went to the movies.

[mbmeen12]

I am 56, having crossdressed passionately since age 49 Will be retiring in the next year. I am not out of the closet only with GG GF and an BF admirer.


My story:
1st grade- Discover there are two anatomical genders, and their clothing is different. Wanted to wear the tights etc found in clothing dryer. Caught by my mother dressing and sent to counseling (epic failure).

Age 5-15- Take private moments to find and wear girl's clothes, testing out the feeling- exploring my urge but it is difficult and sparse. Realize that sexually I have feminine inclinations. I too enjoy being feminine in sex, I finding erotic stories in penthouse variations magazines. I could be a bi-sexual????!

Age 21- 40s Tried with ex wife and she was not supportive of dressing and underdressing and openly mocked at parties by her, when she drank too much, which was a lot. We break up because she cheated and meant to be.

Age 40-51 Married again 2001 and wore hose to bedroom with second wife to have fun etc. She allowed me to openly dress and told her while dressed I had a bisexual feelings while I was with the other gurls I met at the events. She too opened up and finally, she admittedly announced she was initially bi and eventually admitted she was gay. We divorced and she moved in with your new significant other. She feels so bad but I helped her find her inner person she had not yet understood and her years of confusion, as to mine.

Age 54-56 Met a new GF and I openly admitted while dating who I was and felt. The new live in GF supports and encourages me to dress. Other than my height, wide big shoulders/ "V" frame I rock out in skirt and hose/heels....I do and can go out and express my inner gurl but I am very cautious of co-workers finding out (JOB) to fakes to flakes.

To be continued as the arc of the world turns as Kara...

[Gillian Gigs]

I am in my mid to late 60's, and have had an interesting walk on this road called life.

age 0 to 4, I lived as a happy little boy with two much older sisters. I guess my birth called an unplanned event.

age 4, Dad was in an industrial accident and was laid up for about half a year, turning the household upside down. One day while I was playing, I waited too long before coming inside to go to the bathroom, and I wet myself. Dad got mad and as a punishment for peeing myself I was put into a pair of my sister?s panties, and was spanked. I remained in panties the rest of the day, and was taunted by my sisters, being called a sissy, etc.

age 5 to 11 The door had been opened to this different kind of punishment, I really don?t know how often it happened, I wasn?t counting. I remember even having my dad threaten to use this punishment on me in front of my friends. I didn't fit his image of what he thought I should be, and often called me a mummy's boy. I had fantasies and dreams of being a girl, I guess I thought if I was a girl, he would leave me alone. Yet, there was something about that feel of nylon against my skin that pulled at me.

age 11 to 13 Both my sisters got married, I moved down stairs to the basement and lived in my own world. The laundry room was in the basement, as well as clothes left behind by my sisters. I started to wear panties of my own freewill, and loved every minute of it. This led to bras, slips, girdles and stockings, etc. Mum and dad would go out a lot, so I had lots of time to experience this form of play time. I was 12 the first time I was a Playboy magazine, which gave me these new feelings of...well, you catch the drift.

age 13 to 19 At, or about 13, I had my first ejaculation while being totally dressed in lingerie. I was totally ignorant of what had happened. I continued to dress, then it happened again, then it became a regular occurrence while being dressed. This newly discovered feeling was a mixture of pleasure and horror, what was going on? I was too afraid to say anything to anybody, so I quit dressing. Well that didn't last very long, and I was right back at it. Then one day I overheard a couple of boys talking about coming while playing with themselves, and how they liked doing it while looking at Playboy. I tried it too, so this was what it is all about, but it was better when I was dressed in panties and lingerie. The habit got well intrenched over time, and I saw no reason to stop, as it was such a pleasurable time when I was by myself. I started dating girls and saw no reason to stop, after all I could stop any time I wanted, if I wanted. I assumed I would stop once I was married.

Age 19 to 21 I got really interested with a couple of different girls, experienced sex with them, and continued doing what I had been doing on the side when things didn?t happen with them. I met the girl I married at 21 and did my best to not wear lingerie any more, but there was now a new problem. I was living with someone who was about my size and she had so much more clothes that I could try on.

Age 21 to 30 I was happily married, but I still wanted my dressing time. I was working shifts and my wife was a regular day shift worker. This gave me time to do try things while she was at work. This situation was not going away, as I had thought, I was going deeper into dressing. All these clothes and make up, this situation was making the trench deeper. Our first child was born and I weathered the drought until the maternity leave was over, and then I was back at it with a vengeance. The second one was born, and it was now getting difficult finding time to dress.

Age 30 to 42 Three kids now, the hiding, guilt, and fear of being caught was taking its toll. The only time to do anything was when she travelled to visit her mum. I felt caught in a web of despair of what to do about my situation. I would buy lingerie and purge on a regular basis, this was costing me too much.

Age 42 I had enough, it was time to come clean and deal with the chips however they fall. We when out for a drive and stopped in a park and talked. I told her how I liked to wear panties and wear lingerie whenever I could. Her first comment was, ?You?re not having an affair?? Then came the usual questions, like do you want to become a woman, are you gay, etc. She was more relieved than anything else. She knew how stressed I had been and now all of the weird behaviors made sense to her.

Age 42 to 50 I could wear panties as my regular underwear and camisoles as I desired but no outward signs of what was underneath. No bras either. What she could see didn?t bother her.
At 49 I had a brief time where I thought I could move beyond where I was at in my dressing and I purged everything. Within six months, I was back to replacing everything that was purged. This was my last purge, even my wife said don?t do that again.

Age 50 to 59 The wife would help me shop for clothes and stated to accept me wearing a bra. She accepted my dressing in the bedroom. I started trimming and shaving the body hair, and to told her I wanted to wear skirts, and pantyhose around the house. Her only comment was no makeup and wigs in her presence. I joined this site to help me grow beyond my guilt and poor self esteem.

Age 59 to now I have accepted myself and come to embrace a side of me that I can?t change. I am at peace with who I am and the past. I?m just a guy who enjoys panties, skirts, pantyhose, and lingerie. So what, I still occasionally pleasure myself, I didn?t say I was dead?yet. I can change tomorrow, but I can?t change yesterday, so I just accept and have moved on!

[docrobbysherry]

I had no gender issues until my 50's, phili. So, I had no clue about my masculinity or femininity. Or, whether my actions were one or the other.

I just grew up thinking whatever I did or how I did things was simply ME!

It has only been the last 25+/- years that I've tried to understand whether what I did was a reflection of a fem side I hadn't acknowledged or was even aware of!

Last add: Since I seem to do everything backwards or the hard way? I suddenly thot I wanted to be a female in my 50's. Only after 12 years of wondering WTF was happening did I discover I'm simply a CD!

[Christina89]

I'm 29 now. My crossdressing experience started when I was 12 or 13 and in 8th grade. I had just got home from school and watching a show called "Totally Spies" while doing homework. While watching the show one of my favorite characters on the show Clover kept trying on different outfits and I kept thinking to myself what it would be like to wear some of those outfits. I went to my mother's and tried some on one of her bikinis. It felt amazing. As time went one I took and hid a few of her things in my room to wear when she wasn't home.

At age 15 I had gotten caught quite a few times with my mother's items and she told my father. My father scolded me while heading to NH to see some family. So after that I got better at hiding the items.

At 18 I had graduated high school and spent a summer at my dads. He was living with my stepmother, aunt and grandparents. When I stayed there I had the basement to myself and my aunt left a few of her old clothes down there, including and old wedding dress. I had tried it on and it fit perfectly and I loved the feeling.

From 19-21 I had been busy with other moments in life.

From my mid twenties to now I have bought and owned as well as purged many items. But lately I have just been myself and dress when I can since work tends to be busy.

[Janine cd]

Like Stephanie and Nancy, I have been crossdressing since a very young age. I, too, have a spouse who does not accept my desire to dress as a woman. As a compromise, I refrain from wearing feminine attire except when she is away for a day or two. I'm fortunate to be able to acquire a very nice wardrobe of feminine clothes and makeup without her searching them out.

[TheHiddenMe]

I just wrote this to answer the GG who is asking in another thread.

As a young boy, I wanted to try on dresses. I still do.

My dressing has evolved over time.

For a long time I wanted to dress but never did.

Then I began to underdress (generally panties under male clothes). I began to buy woman's clothes dressed as a guy, and dressing at home when I was home by myself. That lasted about 10 years.

Then I went out a couple of Halloweens and a day out in San Francisco.

Three years ago I was able to arrange four days out; nails, makeover, try on dresses, buy a new wig. That changed everything for me.

Since then, I have gone out dressed on a regular basis. When I get dressed, it's makeup, wig, accessories, shoes, etc. I prefer dresses and pantyhose, or tops and skirts, but I do wear jeans and leggings. I often go to stores but also restaurants, movies, the occasional museum. I've made GG friends that I met while out dressed.

I do what works for me.

[Asew]

When I was little I would prefer to play with my sister's dolls and cabbage patch dolls.

As a teenager I started privately wearing my sister's clothes. Grew my hair out (claimed it was because of Cobain and Vedder) but liked it when I dressed up. A lot of shame and guilt.

Upon going to college vowed to leave my CD in the past, but I indulged the urge a couple times in college (buying and throwing away it every time).

Ending college I meet my wife and it seems like it is in the past. I would dress in something of hers maybe once a year and regret it.

After 10 or so years of marriage, it becomes rocky and my wife starts seeing an ex boyfriend for nearly a year. CD comes back in full force over that year. As we made amends, I knew I couldn't ignore it anymore and decided I would tell her even if it results in divorce. She supports me but would rather I didn't. But there is no looking back now. Still feel a little closeted with the wife's rule of no dressing in the town, but generally wear what I want most days around the house.

[Palaina Nocturnus]

I started out wearing my moms clothes when I was around 4 or 5. I would secretly wear the clothes of any female I was dating when they were not home.

It wasn't until I turned 22 that I started crossdressing. Once I tried it I haven't stopped. I've gone from wearing female clothes under my male clothes to going out completely dressed up.

Now, even if I'm not "en femme", I still wear womens shorts pants shirts and sandals in the most androgynous way possible.

[Felicia M]

1. Began at age four and being so young I can barely grasp any of the details. What I remember is wearing the stockings and/or pantyhose around the house. My mother even took pictures of me reading while sitting in them on the floor. She made no judgement and clearly let the door swing open wide on my curiosity. I am sure there must have been a point at which it was no longer "cute" for me to wear hosiery around the house and so the luxurious and sensual experiment in public ended. But in private the experiments continued. I experimented with my mother's intimates through puberty. Basic hosiery, panties and bras and sometimes lipstick, I thought I was definitely a bit of an outlier as this was in the Midwest of the country and a very conservative area.

2. After 18 crossdressing became scarce, or at best very intermittent. I ended up moving to San Francisco after a few years but crossdressing still never really penetrated my conditioning. Never did I contemplate that I should cultivate this side of myself within a relationship and this would have been a golden opportunity to do so.

3. I lived and worked through my 20's, 30's and 40's and there were only two times in those intervening years that I recall really exploring Felicia again.

4. Once in my late 20's when I was in a long term relationship with a woman, I began to dress in her intimates. And this time I began to try different combinations of makeup with her clothes. Yes, now I know it is a no no but at the time the thought of actually getting these things for myself was beyond what I could comprehend. And bringing this into my relationship was not going to happen.

5. The second time is the one that I regret. I came out of another long term relationship in my late 30's and found myself in a new city living completely on my own. It was truly a golden opportunity. I began to purchase my own clothes and high heels. I even went and purchased a pretty extensive makeup kit. I explored Felicia for a few months during this time but slowly my conditioning to want a heterosexual relationship took over. This was the early 2000's when internet dating was exploding and it began to take over my life. Again, never in my wildest dreams did it occur to me to cultivate Felicia to the point of bringing her into a relationship and being upfront about what I wanted/needed.

6. I met someone dating online and eventually we married in 2005 and buried my needs to stay married etc. This was essentially the end of cross-dressing for me for over the next twelve years of my life. Even though we divorced in a few years the financial crisis rendered my life into chaos and I found myself just surviving for a period of time.

7. Turning point - Everything eventually stabilized. I entered another relationship and had a son. I honestly thought crossdressing had left my life but as we all know it always finds a way back. Felicia slowly began to re-enter my life in 2017 at the age of 51. It began innocently enough when I started to use Spanx tights for skiing as I have always wanted extremely thin socks for my ski boots and I thought they would act as compression tights as well. But from the moment I put them on the flood of emotions that came back to me were overpowering. After that I began to purchase a few things here and there and began to ask the age old questions. Why do I want to do this?? What compels me to do this?? So I began to search for a much greater understanding of myself. What really shook me to my foundations were the men who could pass?. I had never thought it was even possible but when I found so many examples here and on YouTube it became an obsession. I began to buy everything. Makeup, makeup bags, wigs, dresses, stockings, pantyhose, tights, leggings, lingerie, nighties, high heels, bras, panties, gaffs, breast inserts, jewelry, fake nails, fake eyelashes (I?ll never be the same after putting on fake eyelashes!), skirts, blouses, etc. I watched how to makeup videos and transformation videos. Then I began to work at doing my makeup on any day I could dress and then photograph myself over and over. It was an overwhelming experience and in May 2018 I had a total breakthrough. I looked in the mirror one day and literally saw someone completely different from myself in the mirror. Felicia was truly staring back at me. Something shattered. It really is unexplainable. She so profoundly reshaped my inner landscape. It made me question not only my gender but also my sexuality which was completely unexpected.

8. Now I am trying to figure out my way forward. I am still in the closet but I am slowly outing myself to my wife. If someone told me it would take 52 years to start to see the real you I wouldv'e laughed hysterically at them a few short years ago, yet here I am. It is staggering to realize I was unconscious of who and what I really am and then suddenly realized consciously who and what I really am. My entire history from the time I began at age four until now makes so much more sense. Now I am struggling to come to terms with who and what I really am and the journey goes on. I will say that with the information available today I probably would've'e figured all of this out so much earlier in life and it would have made an incredible difference on how I lived out my adult years. If you are young and getting started I say jump in with both feet to find out who and what you are and release your fear. I know I wish I would have come to the realization of my gender and sexuality much earlier but I also realize I am a product of generations of cultural programming, information was incredibly scarce, my upbringing was conservative and I grew up in an age that was still very binary. The times are changing rapidly and tolerance is gaining ground almost everywhere. For me the journey continues.

[Gaz]

8-12
First time dressing, I was about 8 years old. It was just before Christmas, the first I knew where my presents REALLY come from, so I went rummaging in my parents' room, eager to see what I was getting. In the back of my mother's wardrobe, I found a cardboard box. Jackpot! Inside I found a small collection of girls' clothing - she'd saved some of my older sister's stuff from when she was younger. (Sister at that point was in her mid 20s and had moved abroad) Well, I was 8 and did what most 8 year olds did - I goofed around with them. Don't remember the exact specifics, but I remember putting a pair of underwear on my head. In walked my mother and caught me. Got a reasonably stern lecture that those clothes weren't for me, and that I was to stay out of that box.

What does any sensible 8 year old do when told that something is forbidden? Yep. Snuck back in the following day and grabbed some random things out of the box, and put it back. Random things were two pairs of plain cotton underwear and a nightie. Underwear did nothing for me but... ooop, that nightie. That felt... different. Explain that feeling to most folks and they'll shrug and say "I don't get it." I have a feeling quite a few here absolutely do.

For the next couple of years I'd transition things in and out of that box. Put underwear back, grab something else out of there. Eventually I'd tried everything in there on. School uniform, a party dress, underwear (why on earth did she keep used underwear?!?!) and a training bra. The nightie stayed in my room, though.

12-22
As I went through teenage years in the early 90s, I discovered girls. Almost as much as I was fascinated by their bodies, I was fascinated by what they wore - all the underwear I'd encountered to that point had been the few bits in my sister's cast offs, and my mom's armour-plated gear. Suddenly I was seeing hints of lace and colours that weren't described by "plain white". I looked forward to Valentine's Day - the time I could go to department shops in town with what little cash I'd saved and "buy something for my girlfriend."

At some point my mum found out. To the day she died she never said a word to me about it, but there was a time I left out a nightie and she found it. Rather than tell my dad and have a confrontation (Who's is this?!?! What girls have you had in your room?!?!) I came home from soccer practice and found it neatly folded and hidden under my pillow.

My dad died when I'd just finished high school, and my mother a year later. Awesome times. I was old enough to be "on my own" and had the house to myself so encountered just how powerful stress can be at triggering things. I went through my mother's stuff - tried on dresses, heels, bras, whatever I found. None of it fit me. A therapist has since suggested this was my way of dealing with her loss. Either way, in hindsight, wearing my dead mum's clothing was weird. Since I now had the place to myself as well as a job, my (minimal) spare cash was spent on going out with the lads drinking and picking up women, and what little left on lingerie. I was an absolute mess, and a very good friend of mine took me aside and said I really needed to get myself together. Took stock, and decided to move to America - everything I owned was purged.

22-27
For a while after getting here I was kept the crossdressing urges down, but I ended up in an abusive marriage - mentally and physically. (Lots of people can't grasp a situation where the wife physically abuses her husband. She was six inches taller than me, had about a hundred pounds on me, and I was raised to not hit women, even in self-defense)

One day while grocery shopping at a place called Meijer, I noticed they sold clothes as well, and their lingerie section was RIGHT THERE. I realized that I could now shop for lingerie any time - simply saying that it was for an anniversary or birthday, and not just Valentine's day, so I tossed a teddy in my shopping basket. Filled with embarrassment and dread, I checked out armed with a "IT'S FOR MY WIFE" excuse that I didn't even need - checkout person didn't even bat an eyelid. So amassed a small collection of really crappy and ill-fitting lingerie that helped get me through that @#$@# I was married to. For the first time I started wearing lingerie outside the house - underdressing with panties and hose to work under my regular clothes.

I finally ended the marriage. When it ended, I purged again.

27-32
I went into therapy at the urging of friends, they knew something was wrong. The therapist was the first person I told about crossdressing. I had zero problem talking about anything else, but this was the hardest thing I've admitted. My therapist had a couple of questions, trying to gauge whether or not I was trans or gay, and concluded I was "just a crossdresser". Whaddya mean "JUST" a crossdresser??!?! Do you know how shameful, taboo, and disgraceful this is?!?!?! Yep, just a crossdresser dude. You wear stuff to cope with stress, maybe a little fetishism in there as well, its no big deal - seriously, way more guys do it than you could possibly imagine. "No. Way." Yep, super common. I'd say 20% of guys do it to some degree. Don't sweat it, you're perfectly normal. Now lets focus on your alcohol intake...

Having someone telling me that crossdressing wasn't a big deal?!? Weight off my shoulders. I was now living on my own, had disposable income, and the internet was now a thing. Time to go nuts.

I spent the next few years enjoying single life. I realized that being a young, single, fit and reasonably good looking guy with a cute accent and more empathy towards women than most guys was a very good thing. (Yes, I was like catnip back then) Meanwhile, I very quickly amassed another decent collection of nightwear and ill-fitting lingerie. I picked up a couple of pairs of horribly fitting heels. When the urges got REALLY strong, I ordered a dress - but by the time it arrived, the urge had passed and I'd mail it back. (I once tried one of them on - it was about four sizes too small in the shoulders, and a size too big in the waist and gave up) I began occasionally underdressing and wearing lingerie to work under my male clothes. Like before, the desire to dress would sometime leave completely but always came back. Oddly, even though I lived alone, my collection still was hidden in my closet, stashed in a suitcase out of sight, in case anyone coming over would find my shameful secret.

In a twist of events, my landlord jacked my rent on the same day one of my best friends bought a townhouse and said to keep an eye out since he was looking for a roommate. Couldn't afford the new rent, so moved in with him. And before I did... yep, purged again.

32-now
I then met the one - the woman who would become my wife. They say you know quickly, and I sure did - I felt a comfort with her I'd never felt with any other woman I'd been with. Within 6 months I started saving for a ring, and we soon moved in together. I knew I needed to tell her. If we were going to be together, it had to be built on honesty. I spent about two weeks sick to the stomach working up the nerve. Finally, one night out at dinner, I told her.

She had the usual questions. Does this mean you're gay? (What? NO! What?!?) Do you, like, go out dressed as a woman? (What? Dude I have a BEARD!) Do you want to get a sex change? (Okay, that's valid, but in my case absolutely no). She got quiet, said it was a lot to take in, and quickly changed the subject. Oh. Crap. Well, that's that. She's dumping me, and by the end of the week all my friends will know.

It didn't come up the rest of the week. Our usual Friday night date was canceled - she called to remind me she had to work late, had a bachelorette party Saturday afternoon, and needed to get a few things for it, just eat without her. I was heartbroken, and feared the worst. The few days of limbo I was in were utter torture, but I was terrified of bringing it up again. Friday night she came home with a Victoria's Secret shopping bag, announcing that the bachelorette stuff was successfully picked up. Apologized for being late, asked if I'd eaten, and we should go out and get a bite and a drink. The next bit is etched in my memory forever, and I can remember it like it happened this morning: "Before we go, though..." she reached into the bag and pulled out a smaller VS bag. "These are for you. I hope you like them. Getting them for you wasn't as weird as I thought it'd be. I really need to pee."

Inside was a pair of plain black bikini briefs. Best. Present. Ever.

Her attitude since then has been a bit like my own crossdressing urges - comes and goes. There are definitely times I've felt - notably when my own urge is strong - like its a DADT situation. Other times I definitely feel more support. We ended up having a child a few years ago, and I took the decision to stop dressing oddly thinking "Time to put my family first and my own urges second." Everything got gathered up and... this time I put it away. Purging random items I'd bought online was one thing, but this collection had stuff that actually meant things to me. Everything my wife has bought me I've kept, I treasure it. (She doesn't buy my lingerie, but does seem to be good getting me sleep stuff. And heels - she's a shoe freak, so think accepting those is a bit easier for her).

That was about five years ago, and every time the urge came back it was squashed down. Last week though, I was pulling stuff down in the closet, and saw one of the boxes. I opened it, pulled out a pair of panties and couldn't help myself. Next day, I'd made room in my dresser for a good chunk of my lingerie, moved nighties and pjs back into my bedside drawers, and unpacked some of my heels. My wife noticed, and has been fantastic about it - just commenting on things like its just a normal, everyday occurrence which is just what I need. The urge is far stronger that I remember it though, and I've picked up a pair of Levi's boot cut jeans (which now I notice the stitching on the pockets, I'll be taking them back since they're obviously womens) as well as ordered some dresses and tops from Lands End for the first time. (Which will likely shock my wife, but can already feel that urge starting to fade off, so like before will probably just be returned unopened)

So that's where I am these days. I'm... in a great place. I've accepted who I am, and I think my wife accepts me for who I am as well.

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Wow - really sorry about that encyclopedia I just posted. (I don't talk about dressing much, and when I do tend to go overboard... no wonder the wife doesn't want to hear it sometimes, she's probably sick of it!)

[Crissy 107]

Gaz, Great post, long but very enjoyable!

[Gaz]

Thanks Crissy - and sorry to anyone who had to spend the seven hours reading it!

[Paula_56]

Turning 60 this year has led to a lot of self-reflection as those who read my articles can see. As anyone who is transgender knows many a night is spent laying awake at 3:00AM wondering, imagining, and wool-gathering over our mysterious puzzle.
A few nights ago, I found myself tracing the progression and struggle of Paula from an early age until now.
Many transgender persons come to the realization later in life. For me there never was a time when I don’t remember wanting to be a girl. As soon as I knew the difference I wanted to be over there.
I remember the first day of kindergarten boys and girls were separated into two lines, the girls were all in pretty dresses and shoes and I was so envious. These early memories continued, and at 6 or 7
I remember going to a Halloween party, there was a girl there in a beautiful party dress, I asked “What’s your costume?” “I am a girl” the little boy replied. Stunned at the realization that this was a boy I could not take my eyes off him as he ran around the room that night in a pink dress, with crinolines, tights and MaryJane’s. Perhaps if I couldn’t be a girl I could at least dress like one. These were my early memories next came the start of crossdressing and an even more intense desire to be a girl.
During my first Holy Communion the church was filled with 1st grade boys and girls, the boys wore white suit jackets and the girls all wore beautiful white satin and lace dresses with veils. I was captivated, a few weeks later I found my sisters communion dress and tried it on. It became a favorite until I out grew it.
I remember sitting in Mrs. Carlson’s 2nd grade classroom and wondering what it felt like to wear the tights that most girls wore. I started raiding my sisters and mothers’ closets trying on tights and any other dress or skirt I could find that fit. When I think back this wasn’t something I did on occasion. I did this 2-3 times a week. This continued the whole time we live in Maywood until I was 11 years old. By this time, I had graduated to lingerie, pantyhose, high heels and make-up.
At 11 years old we moved out to the country. I was delighted and love the woods and lakes around my new home. I found an identity as a boy who loved the outdoors this kept me out of sports where I just didn’t feel right. Through middle school and high school, I would continue to cross-dress on a very regular basis. After school from 3:15 to 5:00 I was clear to play girl to my hearts content. I would often try to mimic styles and fashions that I had seen during the week in school. I became an expert on putting things back the way I found them. However, as a parent myself now I think they must have known?
During high school I would read anything I could find written about “sex changes”. In a garage sale I found an autobiography of Christine Jorgensen which I read in secret. I would scan newspapers and magazines for mentions of crossdressers or transsexuals. At 15-16 when others were making career plans, I took this all into account. Everything I read told me that surgery would cost several thousand dollars. The USAF solved many problems for me, it got me out of the house, respect, technical training, and a chance to save enough money for a “sex change”. Yes, no kidding that was my thought process at that age. That’s why I’ve written in today’s environment transition would have been a certainty.
So off I flew into the wild blue yonder, basic training was difficult not because I was transgender but because I was na?ve and lazy. Then off to technical school in Biloxi Ms. Then to Germany, with a follow-on tour to Andrews AFB. The whole process was good for me as I matured, traveled and gained technical experience.
These are typically the years when a person’s sexuality matures. I knew I was transgender; however, I was also fearful of being gay and that was because of the hatefulness and disapproval for gay people around me.
I was captivated by women, a pretty girl would always catch my eye. Thank God I’m not gay I thought, how could I be when I felt this way about women.
I made the mistake of confusing admiration and envy, with lust and sexual desire. Here are a few examples of how this manifested it self during the 4 years I was in the USAF. There wasn’t any shortage of the guys going out to strip clubs and brothels that surrounded most military bases in Germany. I can remember feeling so uncomfortable for the women in these strip clubs, I wanted to rescue them not lust after them. I would accompany my friends to the brothels in Frankfurt, and finally I acquiesced and decided to lose my virginity one night. I was trying to prove something. I remember the beautiful young woman very well, and once inside I could not do it. I gave her extra money to wait out my time and then make a great show of it to my friends waiting outside.
I was very good at making friends with and talking with women, but I would never close the deal so to speak. This happened all the time, talking, flirting, nothing. I never would make a move so to speak, ask her out, hold her hand, kiss her. Looking back now I believe my instinct as a female deep down. I just didn’t get the male-female mating ritual. I wasn’t programed like the other guys.
I could list several examples but for sake of brevity let me tell this one. I worked in a communications control center and on days off I would head to Shenandoah National park where I would camp and hike. I worked with Rita a girl from upstate New York who also loved the outdoors. We hit it off well and talked about camping, hiking and kayaking in the Blue Ridge Mountains. I’m guessing I missed all the ques that she was sending, because I was surprised to see her ride up to the campsite on her motorcycle. Now long story short, dinner, a few beers by the campfire and lights out in the tent, her on one side me the gentlemen on the other. This is how oblivious I was! It never dawned on me she was there to hook up. A few months later, she asked why I hadn’t done anything that night. My answer “I dunno”, and I really didn’t know.
Just before I got out of the USAF, I had this bizarre affair with a lesbian I worked with. She and I were heavy drinkers and partiers at the time and would often wind up in bed. Nothing ever happened but I had a bigtime crush on her. We would sleep together several nights week and yes just sleep. I realize now she was using me as cover, back then if you were gay you were out, and they actively looked for and prosecuted gay persons.
So now it’s 1981 and I’m back home in New Jersey, I find a job at a computer company, my first paycheck comes, I cash it and go to the Willow Brook mall and buy a dress, shoes, hosiery and lingerie All too small. I purge.
My life began to revolve around work, drinking with my redneck buddies. I hardly even thought about being a girl. At work I meet my wife, we talk, flirt and again nothing, we talk, we flirt, and she calls me. Boom we are off and running. She lets me wear her bra one night, she even buys me some lingerie WOW. This is perfect, I’m in love, we marry and off we go. However, what I thought was approval turned out to be tepid toleration. For a number of years, we would go forward and then backward. A few months of encouragement would then be met with resentment

Just to emphasize how strong my dysphoria was, I remember the morning of my wedding, being a bit melancholy, thinking well this means I’ll never be a woman.
A wonderful marriage, family, career, home, it was all there except for this one little problem of gender dysphoria. There were periods where depression would bury me, I kept myself busy with career, home maintenance, church, non-profits, elderly parents, and child care.
Still as I did when I was 8 years old, I would seek refuge, a few taboo moments of sanctuary dressed as a woman. When keeping busy didn’t work overeating and drinking were brought in to cloud the ache. Isolated, confused, and trans, I would sometimes stop and buy Drag magazine. I would read it hidden away in the back of a New York City deli or sometimes take my lunch on a bench near Trinity Church in the shadow of the twin towers. Here in relative anonymity, I would enter into a world where there were others like me.
In the mid 90’s along came the internet and with it a connection to a community and finally information and answers. My world began to open up.
My crossdressing became an unspoken truth in our marriage, seldom directly addressed and sometimes talked about disparagingly. Don’t ask don’t tell became the model for dealing with the issue. In my late 40s I entered a dark period sinking into deep depression along with anxiety attacks.

When I hit 50, I was overweight drinking too much and in bad health. Finding an objective and informed person you can discuss, share and solve your issues with was a key ingredient in my journey. In my case, this was Dr D. I no longer saw being transgender as a problem to be solved. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I cast off society’s condemnation of being transgender and realized that I am a good person and that part of my personality and character involves being transgender. Attributes I see missing in many men, such as nurturing, kindness, compassion and cooperation are parts of my personality that I believe come from my feminine side.
Through the years, I had worked so hard and sacrificed so many things for so many people in my life. Now at 50, the one thing I wanted most, the one thing that had nagged at me since childhood was going to be left unanswered. I could not do it. I could not let it go. I needed to express that woman who I knew lived inside me. I may never transition, but I needed to experience the world as a woman in some way.
In 2009, I was emerging from the darkness of yet another crossdressing purge. But as any transgender person knows purging doesn’t work. My need for feminine expression had returned with a vengeance. I had once again accumulated a wardrobe, and around this time I started traveling for business. I started going to MAC stores and found acceptance and support. Next I started shopping for clothes while I was in drab and I was surprised to find that the sales associates were enthusiastic and supportive when I told them I was transgender. City after city I began to accumulate everything I needed. Finally, in Memphis after visiting Graceland, I saw it in a strip mall “Graceland Wigs”. The last piece I needed was a wig, with my new-found confidence, I entered the store and was overwhelmed by hundred of wigs lining the walls. After a few minutes of awkward browsing I came clean with the store owner and was soon sitting in a chair in front of a mirror trying on wigs and telling her my story. She was a bit of a character and after about 2 hours of trying on dozens of wigs, I left the store with advice earned through a lifetime of hardship, an overabundance of amusing anecdotes, guidance on being a woman, and a cute pageboy style brunet wig.
A few weeks later I would step of my hotel room in Denver and not look back. For the next 8 years I would travel all over the country and the world, and during my free time I would explore the world as a woman. I would shop, get MAC makeovers, meet friends for dinner, attend a transgender conference, visit the doctor, attend concerts, and visit museums. I would go out as a woman in the UK, Canada and Australia. It was also during this time I started writing for Femulate. They were glorious times I began to feel somewhat fulfilled.
In 2016 I began having trouble with my back, it became chronic. I began to overeat and drink. The weight came on, the pain grew worse. I stopped dressing. I entered into a dark period with pain and along with it a sense of despair and hopelessness.
In 2019, post-surgery I am now coming back. I am eating healthy I’m off sugar and junk foods. My back feels great, and I started building back my wardrobe. I’m writing for Femulate again and feel a sense of renewal and hope. Where the next few years lead? Who knows? But Paula will be there.
That’s my story, the evolution of a human who is transgender. How I dealt with it and how I continue to deal with it.
ph.jpg

[Crissy 107]

Paula, What a beautiful story, as I was reading it I was thinking many times, yep, that was me too. I just totally enjoyed it!

[wendy]

My first beginnings with women's clothing occurred when I was 5. I was a latch key kid, so when I got home after school, I was by myself (my parents would come home about an hour later).

For the longest time, my mom would hang her panties in the washroom to dry. Out of curiousity, I touched them and found out that they were way smoother and "silkier" than my tightie whities. Eventually, one day after school, curiousity got the best of me and I decided to try them on. I was hooked. If felt right, so smooth.

Eventually I expanded to my mom's wardrobe, and eventually her swimsuit. It was a purple one piece swim dress from Montgomery Ward. Upon wearing it, I felt a even heightened sensation of excitement that was even greater than when I wore my first pantie. At this point in time was when I started my journey on swimsuit craze (more on that later).

It was great being single digit age, as I could fit into my mom's stuff no problem. As I got older, I noticed my mom's stuff not fitting so well anymore as I was getting bigger. Fast forward to my University years. My first year in University was when I received a student loan, and being na?ve, I thought it was free money (yeah, it isn't). So I went on a shopping spree at Kmart buying a lot of women's items, like a body suit, 80s style aerobics wear, swimsuits, and shapewear. This was my first ever purchase for women's clothing. When I started to earn my own money, I started buying more women's clothing, and I began moving away from my mom's stuff as it no longer fit me anymore.

At this point was when I also started my swimsuit collection. I bought some items that I just can't find anymore, I had a gorgeous neon coloured scoop back suit by Carolyn Waldo. I simply can't find that anywhere.

In my 20s, I was single and continued to buy clothing and enjoyed dressing up whenever I could. My parents still worked so I knew when they would be home and when they would be at work. It was simply heavenly.

By mid 20s, I met the girl of my dreams, and we eventually married. I didn't have the guts to tell her about my CDing, and I kept that a secret from her for several years. After dating for a while, I decided I had to purge in case she ever found my stash. We eventually bought our own house, and I had no women's clothing at that point. I thought I could repress those urges but eventually it came back big time. At that time we were common law, and she would take evening classes, so I had a good chunk of time to myself. I helped myself to her wardrobe, and loved it. However, she was just a tad smaller than me so items I wore from her wardrobe wound up being stretched, I think she knew it but didn't say anything.

After a while I wound up buying women's clothing again. I still hadn't told her about Wendy, so I hid all of Wendy's clothing in the basement. Deep down I had fears she would stumble upon it and either ask about it or get mad and leave. At that time I also found some CDing forums to figure answers for myself, as to why I CD, and how others coped with telling their spouse. Reading many stories from other CDers, one common them was "tell your spouse, as it is only a matter of time before they find out." Plus, in a relationship, it really isn't fair to the other person that you keep secrets. I finally decided to accept who I was, and a part of me will always contain Wendy. I was totally fine with it, but would my wife be ok with it ?

I really wanted to tell her about Wendy, but fear kept me from saying anything. I also was bursting at the seams because I had to dress, and my wife didn't take evening classes all the time.

Alas, my health took a nasty tumble and for the next several years I really had to put my CDing on the back burner. I had no desire to dress or purchase anything due to my medical condition. My health now has recovered mostly, and thanks to my mom I am able to live a more normal life.

Fast forward a few more years, and I told my wife about my desire to wear women's swimsuits. She was ok with it, but at that point she greatly suspected my CDing too but didn't say anything about it. So for the longest time, I would wear women's swimsuits around the house. It was great, I was able to dress up a little bit around her and this time I didn't have to purge my stuff.

Eventually I had to tell her about Wendy. We sat down and I (very nervously) told her about Wendy and how I liked to dress up. I was bracing for the worst, but she said "go ahead, dress up and let me see what you look like". So I did, but I was still shaking from the encounter because I couldn't believe I was about to show my wife Wendy. I got all dressed up (black skirt, white long sleeve dress shirt, black blazer, black tights, and a cheap black wig), and called her downstairs. She came downstairs and said you look nice, you look like an airline stewardess. At that point, I kinda knew she would be ok with it.

I changed back into drab, and we discussed my CDing. She said she didn't mind me dressing, but she had a stipulation, and that I keep Wendy in the house (she didn't want me dressed outside). For me, that was a huge positive step.

Fast forward even more, and now my CDing has progressed positively. I have more make up than my wife (still working on my make up technique), Wendy's wardrobe is way bigger than my wife, I progressed from home made hip/butt pads to silicone pads, and I can afford more realistic wigs than the cheap costume kind. Oh, and my swimsuit collection has exploded to 110+ suits.

At this point in my wife, if our financial situation remains more or less stable in the next 6 years or so, I face retirement. When I do retire, I plan on being Wendy more often. It is something I am totally looking forward to.

[Ceera]

My story arc looks more like a logarithmic curve, with heavily repressed inclinations for most of my life, then taking off like a skyrocket once I released myself from that repression.

Ages 0-4: There was nothing remarkable that I recall, though my mom said when I was very young, my hair was in 2” ringlets and looked feminine enough that she was constantly having to correct well-intentioned people who admired what a beautiful baby girl she had. She often repeated that story, of how she had to insist I was a boy. By the time I was old enough to retain any conscious memories from being that young, I recall my dad always had my hair cut very short. I played equally with the boys and the girls in my neighborhood - mostly non-gendered play like ‘tag’ and ‘hide and seek’.

Age 5: Mom got pregnant with my little sister, and we moved less than a mile away, to a house my grandpa had built and lived in. He built another house, and moved into it, with my grandma. But the house officially only had two bedrooms, and my baby sister had to share mine. My parents resolved this quite amicably by fixing up a basement laundry room into a very private bedroom for me, complete with my own 3/4 bathroom (shower but no tub). I really loved having so much independence and privacy! About this time I learned about the anatomical differences between boys and girls. Really adored my little sister.

Ages 5-6: As boys my age got more into rough and tumble play like football and wrestling, I found I preferred playing quietly with the girls. Reading and playing with dolls were fine with me. Sadly, after a few years the girls in my neighborhood and the girls in my school classes grew less and less inclined to invite me to play girl things with them. Probably social pressure from all sides there. I became more of a loner and a bookworm, and played less with neighborhood kids, unless it was the non-gendered sorts of play everyone participated in, like playing in snow. Mom started teaching me household chores, including all the typical ‘girl stuff’, like cooking, sewing and laundry. Her own father was helplessly reliant on women to keep house for him, and she wanted me to be able to run my own household if I had no woman to do it for me. (Little sister likewise learned ‘boy skills’, so we both learned both skill sets.)

Ages 7-8: About this age I recall a passing interest in my mom’s makeup - mostly wanting to wear her lipstick. I took advantage of my privacy to see how I looked with it on. Always washed it off carefully afterwards, and put the makeup back exactly where I got it from. Also started to be interested in my mom’s clothes, as I could examine them at leisure when left to dry in the laundry, which was in another basement room. I remember loving the feel of a silky slip, fresh and warm from the dryer. But of course, none of mom’s stuff fit me (too big), and my sister’s things were much too small (we never did match at all in size), so there was little temptation to do more than try things on.

Ages 9-12: Still a loner and a bookworm. Started discovering my own sexual urges, and interest in girls. Discovered that the same stores that sold comics and magazines also sometimes sold adult-rated stuff - and some of those shops did not pay much attention to what was in the stack they were ringing out, so I could buy several regular magazines, and slip in a Playboy, Penthouse or even a XXX rated magazine. I also happened upon several racy paperbacks and magazines that an uncle had not put away before I visited to play with my girl cousins (who were still happy to play with me). Those two girl cousins, a year younger and a year older than I, were probably my best friends back then.

Ages 13-14: There was a girl in my neighborhood who would ‘play Doctor’ with me, in the privacy of my bedroom. She had caught me with some of my adult magazines, and she was curious. We never did anything that would affect her virginity - did not even attempt oral sex - but it was educational for both of us, and proved to me that I found girls intimately attractive. We both enjoyed it, but quit after another neighbor girl found out, and threatened to tattle on us. About that same time I also had my first experience with a guy - a young man who was supposed to be tutoring me in math. I liked what we did, but it also frightened me, because I knew my dad would never accept me being anything but straight. So I repressed those urges.

Ages 15-18: High School - I ended up going to an all-male high school (the last two years, they allowed a handful of girls to attend). My social life mostly centered around a young men’s fraternal group that was sponsored by the fraternal organization my dad was a member of, and two young women’s groups that they likewise sponsored. Plenty of social contact at well-chaperoned dances, roller skating parties and picnics, and several ‘normal’ dates. It was fashionable for young men my age to wear silky bikini underwear, with no fly, and I loved that. (Got to underdress with no risks). Totally avoided doing anything ‘not straight’. Enlisted in the Navy right after high school. When I turned 18, I had still never gotten past second base with a girl, or third base (that one time) with a guy.

Ages 18-21: While in the navy, lost my virginity with a girl while on a boot camp liberty. Felt very uncomfortable living in an open room with lots of males. This got worse by the time I got assigned to a ship, with much closer living quarters. I eventually requested medical evaluation, and got out after admitting my bisexual inclinations. My service record was solid, so I got an honorable discharge.

Ages 22-26: Went to college, and dated only girls. Eventually had a steady girlfriend who knew I was bisexual by inclination, but that I was willing to be monogamous with her. Married her right after college.

Ages 27-56: Married for 30 years. My female side eventually came out in on-line roleplay gaming, and in fiction I was writing. Wife knew I played female characters more often than males, and that some of the plat was definitely XXX rated. But I held to a firm limit that this intimate play never crossed over into real life. All I ever offered in real life, to anyone but my wife, was platonic friendship. My parents died near the last few years of this time, and I began to experiment with underdressing. My wife tolerated that, as long as I did not wear her things. By the end of this time though, my female aspect had definite tastes in clothing, hairstyles and sexual preferences. And several of the characters in fiction that I wrote were transgender.

Age 56: After 30 years of straight marriage, I lost my wife to heart failure. I came out as bisexual and gender identity questioning to my 18 year old daughter, who still lives with me. Told her I needed to explore who I really was, and that part of that would be going out into the world while presenting as a woman. She was fully accepting and supportive. Over the next year I eliminated my beard, learned makeup and voice skills, and worked up a very passable female presentation. I started going out socially to LGBTQ nightclubs, mostly on nights when they had drag shows. Out of half a dozen of us CD/TG ladies who were regulars, I was the only one who the lesbian patrons latched onto and befriended. I had ‘found my tribe’. At heart, my feminine aspect was primarily lesbian, and very comfortable living as a woman!

Ages 57-59: Remained in the closet with old friends and with family, but developed an entirely new social network of friends who knew me only as my female aspect. 90% of my social time shifted to female. Tried a one night stand with a guy, and it was okay, but still preferred ladies. Danced and flirted with either gender, but always was very careful to be honest about being gender fluid.

Ages 60-62 (present): Moved with daughter to another state. Bought a home, and decided neighbors would know me in either presentation. Discovered I could get transition surgeries covered by insurance, and shifted to full time female life. Came out to pretty much everyone. Only lost my little sister’s husband. (No loss, as we only barely tolerated each other for her sake, before that.) For the last 14 months I have been full time female, ans all my legal ID now agrees I am a woman. Loving my new life!

[Allison Chaynes]

Great thread, Phili.... I swear this was better than multiple sessions talking to a counselor.

My journey includes events not just CD related, because I have come to realize they have influenced my worldview.

I am currently 40.

Age 0-12: Absolutely nothing CD/TG related that I know of.
Age 9 months: diagnosed with Kawasaki's Disease, was not expected to live, left with four coronary aneurysms that luckily did not rupture. I don't remember it, luckily. Did not even know until age 11.
Age 3: first airplane accident- earliest memory of my childhood. A DC9 pilot hit the reverse thrusters at the gate, causing the glass and metal framing at the terminal gate at the airport where I was standing to explode.
Age 11- a friend died suddenly from a brain aneurysm. A month later, my mom informs me about the ones inside my coronary arteries.
Age 12: first CD event: Spent the night at a friend's house. His mom had done laundry and left her clothes out on the cpuch overnight. For whatever reason, I had the urge to try on her nylon briefs, and I was hooked.
Age 12-18: "Borrowed" my mom's panties regularly. Never caught wearing them, but she found them in my room. She told my dad and they thoroughly embarrassed me over it.

Age 16-18: four minor gunshot wounds and a water moccasin bite. At this point I am convinced I am cursed but invincible also.

18-22: College. Thought the CD stuff would go away, especially after marriage. Bought panties for the first time and it started getting easier. I was convinced it was just a fetish.

22-26: Military. Had to hide this side of me. Had a parachute malfunction, almost got blown up overseas, and had another incident. Realized I had to tell my wife. She was on board as long as it was just a lingerie fetish and it stayed our thing.

27-34: left military, then First kid born. Went to work as a repair shop manager for a large trucking company. Hated it, but got to meet lots of interesting people, including the first openly trans people I had met in person. Not a very accepting environment at all. After a few years, my boss was talking about the company EAP benefit, which covered 8 free therapy sessions a year. I laughed but he told me it was a free 1/2 day off work if I needed it. All I needed to hear so I went. I realized that, yes, I had anger issues. After the third session, I finally told the therapist about the CD side. She was super supportive. I also began realizing this more than a lingerie fetish and worried how my wife would handle it. I had bought a copy of "My Husband Wears My Clothes".... and my wife found it while we were looking for a business book in my library. So I told her it had advanced to all kinds of women's attire. It was hard to tell her... but She was super supportive. We discussed boundaries- it stays our secret, don't tell the kids, don't go out in public, don't do anything to embarrass us.
Got laid off and ended up working at Lane Bryant for a while. Also worked at a VF Outlet for almost 2 years.

Age 35: After multiple cardiologists said nothing was wrong, I had a heart attack. It was Kawasaki's related- thanks to the KD Foundation sharing info, I printed a study to convince my doctor I wasn't paranoid. After a heart cath, my right, front and rear arteries were 90, 90, and 100% blocked. I had quad bypass surgery. I knew family would stay with us so before the surgery we had to re-organize the closet so all the femme stuff looked like it was my wife's.

36 to now: Two stents, way too many follow ups with the cardiologist.

38: Sold our house and moved in briefly with mother in law after FIL died. I went to Georgia on a trip with her to help load up the remainder of their house down there. I realized I forgot to pack socks and underwear, so I bit the bullet and asked to borrow a pair. She was fine with it. So a week after we got back, I told her that for medical reasons, I only wore panties. She was more than tolerant, even buying me some when the local Kmart was going out of business.

Which brings me to now; age 40. In May, after another heart scare, it dawned on me that if my mom came for a week to help out again, there was a good chance she'd figure out something was up. So during a conversation where she told me she had lost weight and was having to buy new clothes, I told her, hey, no big deal, but when they pulled that vein out of my leg, my pants were all uncomfortable so I switched to women's briefs and jeans. She was briefly quiet but said, well, I guess you have to do what's comfortable, and women wear pants, so why not?

In the past three weeks, I have pushed myself- I went grocery shopping on the other side of town in a complete female outfit but still in guy mode... kinda like MIAD, I guess. I wore a swim brief two nights on the beach in Myrtle Beach. I wore a feminine outfit to the therapist last week.

The reason I mention the non CD stuff is that after all of the near death experiences, I realized I don't have to impress anyone. I can out-badass anyone who might look down on my feminine side. Why do I care what they think? It's time to live as a complete me.... which I think, for purposes of definition, is bigender.

I apologize for the book, but if my sharing helps someone else, then it was worth it.

[Janis_en_femme]

I remember as a young child putting on my mother's lipstick. She was horrified and made me wipe it off immediately.
In my teens, I was obsessed with breasts and wished I could grow a pair. Even tried self-hypnosis. Nothing happened.
In my 20s, I won a pair of purple lingerie at a bar. Tried them on when I got back to my apartment. Felt uncomfortable, itchy.
In my 30s, I got married and had a child.
In my late 40s, I still felt somewhat unsatisfied with my life. I discovered hypnotic files on the Internet. I listened to some about cross-dressing and being feminine. Opened up a whole new world to me. I began to secretly wear women's clothes and experiment with make-up. My wife began to suspect but would not ask anything. I jokingly mentioned it once and she said her family would not approve. Purged a couple of times. Really sorry I threw out a pair of black knee high boots.
In my 50s, I realized that I had repressed my feminine side since childhood. I increased my feminine clothing and accessories. I came to terms that the "hypnotic" files did not convert me but rather allowed me to accept my true nature. I actively developed feminine mannerisms, walk, and manner of speaking which I could control. I noticed a shift in my sexual orientation which I could not control. I finally accepted and embraced my feminine side. I feel satisfied with my life. Although I cannot share it with my family, that is fine. I have plenty of other things to share with them. My wife allows me time to myself which she does not question or pry into.
I continue to pursue my feminine lifestyle and balance it with the rest of my life. I'm happy.

[Angela Marie]

I became attracted to tights at an early age. My mother wore tights. This was in the 60's so tights were heavier and more like leggings.
She had a black pair and a really nice blue pair. When she went out I would put them on. In later years running tights became very popular, and as a runner I had a great excuse to wear them. Fast forward until I was about 45. The Internet was in it's infancy and I began looking at cd websites. I finally decided to have a makeover; after my wife and I separated. I was shocked by how great I looked and I was hooked. I have been dressing fully ever since; with the exception of a two year hiatus. That was the oft described "purge" which, as most of you who have done it, was a big mistake. I finally came to realize how integral my feminine side is.