I hate having to hide

[Sandi Beech]

I would certaintly agree that it makes sense to try to talk things out first, but at some point it becomes futile as in my case. Looking at Nicole's bio, I see there was a huge blow up over a discussion of painting toenails - something that can be hidden easily by slipping on some shoes. If that will not fly, nothing is likely to ever be permissable - same as my case. Some will never give in, and I am not being judgemental. I just see it as a fact that some wives can never accept it. (Consider yourself lucky if you do have an accepting wife, as some like mine have gone to the extent of name calling which I will not repeat here)

So if there is a zero tolerance, AND you still want to maintain your marriage, you have to make a decisiion. You either have to stop (not so easy), or do it in secret (which is what I do).

The hard part about secretive dressing is finding a balance. How much is enough to keep you statified? I am lucky because I have to travel a lot. I get some freedom in dressing while away from everyone I know. I have more or less found a very fragile balance, which has worked for me a couple of years now. It could all come crashing down for me in a moment, but for now it is working.

Good luck, Nicole. I hope it works out for you and you can find your "balance".

Sandi

[BethanyCross]

It sounds like a lot of us are in the same boat. In my case, back in the 70's, I told my wife about it when our relationship got serious. She stuck with me and we both tried to make it work. I saw a therapist which was no help, (of course) and she tried to accept - but eventually couldn't. Since then its been DADT. I used to get a few Bethany days here and there but now our living
situation has changed and she rarely leaves home. I know Bethany is going to have to start taking some trips out of town to get a little time - can't think of an alternative. Life can be miserable and risky when the pink fog rolls in and you don't have an outlet for it!

[Stephanie47]

So if there is a zero tolerance, AND you still want to maintain your marriage, you have to make a decision. You either have to stop (not so easy), or do it in secret (which is what I do). Sandi

When I confronted my situation the primary issues that had to be confronted was explaining who I am, and, why my wife wanted nothing to do with my cross dressing. On both of our parts there was ignorance. My wife did not understand, along with myself, why I wanted or needed to do the things I wanted to do. There was a serious conversation which lasted for sometimes. I was forthright with my answers. Yes, there is a long laundry list any wife is going to have; the gay issue, the transitioning issue. There was also "I do not know why I feel the need to do what I do!" No BS about my "inner woman." No BS about how certain garments felt. All those really are nothing more to a woman than a smoke screen to confront the issue.

My wife had some serious issues growing up as a child and as a young adult. Knowing what I know I can accept why she has declined to participate. Does she go "ape shit" over it? No. She has found a bra or panty out. Pseudo breast enhancements (water balloons) in the kitchen sink. A hint of eye makeup not removed. If we had gone to a therapist decades ago perhaps, just perhaps, we would have reached the same outcome. Respect him. Respect her. All based on getting past the ignorance issue.

Is there a reasonable accommodation able to be reached? Sure. My wife has not mention one iota about my cross dressing since the early 1980's. I also have not thrown anything in her face either. Maybe, it is the longevity of our marriage. We have reached the level of oneness where we know each other. We know what will aggravate the other. Or make us laugh. I'm sure my wife knew I was en femme when she was still working. In retirement mode now. How does that work? She has volunteered one night a month to stay overnight at our daughter's apartment to babysit our grandson, so his parents do not have to shell out $15-$20 an hour. I suspect it is a ruse to give me my much needed femme time.

It comes down to her realizing her husband is the guy she married, and, a little bit more. However, there has never been anything done to negate the person's both of us married.

Another thing that seems to be evident in failed marriages is the unreasonable expectation there is the ideal man or woman out there for each of us. A man or woman without a fault. Marriage is not reality television.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Another thing that seems to be evident in failed marriages is the unreasonable expectation there is the ideal man or woman out there for each of us. A man or woman without a fault. Marriage is not reality television.

I wish I could have had the expectation of finding an ideal person when I was young. Some of us don't have anyone out there for us, even if they are far less than ideal.

If I had to choose between dressing and a wife, I would choose a wife, hands down.

[Alice Torn]

Vickie, I agree with you 100%. 65, still alone here.

[Asew]

Even with a wife that allows me to dress as I please around the house but male mode around town. I still hate having to hide part time.