I think I made a mistake in telling her.
Had a bad night last night, we were up much too late and I am getting from her that while she isn't telling me to stop right now she is telling me I need to stop? She is asking specifically for me to stop seeing my therapist and find another, one who will help me stop.
From her point she is afraid I will continue to "push the boundaries" as stated above in this forum, I in no way want or expect her participation, only her acceptance that this is a part of me, and it is something I can't stop, and in all honestly, and I told he this, something I do not want to stop, at least by a part of me? My plan before telling her was to take this to my grave as a secret that no one in the world knew about, I feel I can continue in that way, sort of a don?t ask don't tell thing, now I don't know.
I also don?t know why I do this, it makes me feel good? It is something I just do? But as to the whys I don?t know, I wasn't abused, I wasn't dressed up as a little girl, I wasn't traumatized, and when the therapist said it could very well be biological, at least in part, it made me feel better, less of a freak, accepting that it was ok. In all truth does it matter why? It is a part of me.
She doesn't buy the biological argument in any way, in her world there is no "just born that way," and is pressing me in ways I don?t want to be pressed. I feel smothered right now, I have always been a person who needs a lot of alone time, something I feel she has never really liked. Now I am afraid I am losing one of those things I enjoy in my life, she wants to fill that void with her, and I feel I am losing my identity, who I am, and I don?t want to have to choose between her and it?
I love this woman, I adore her, and I understand that she wants to fight for me, needs to fight for me, but she is fighting a part of me, that hurts and I don?t know what to do. I have told her I'm not going anywhere, not moving forward, that I am happy to dip my toes into femininity, not jump into that ocean and drown myself. I don?t think she will accept that.