Continual pushing has now left me with a momentum I can't control

[Jeri Ann]

My journey is not that dissimilar to many others I suspect, realizing at a young age there was something different about how I felt....I quickly learnt it was not something that others found easy to cope with and learnt to bury it and run as hard as I could to escape my feelings.....I now have a sense of dread that I am running from an almost inevitable sense I want to transition regardless of the carnage that that would bring to those I love most. Every bit of logic tells me that if I can settle my feelings down I can have all that is dear to me and keep my wonderful life and the future it holds... but inner feelings are not logic and I am really struggling to cope at the moment...I always believed I wanted to transition but didn't need too and that distinct difference would act as a safety net ...I am now not so sure that is the case and there is a very real sense of panic starting to develop...

Has anyone else experienced this , can I just wait these feelings out and things will settle down or have I pushed so much I have started a momentum that can't be stopped...

Jessica, you are experiencing almost exactly what I went through. Panic, desperation, anxiety is what occurs when the need to be you gets overwhelming. It has nothing to being selfish and everything to do with survival.

A renown TG therapist told me before I transitioned that suppressing the need to live authentically will result in some form of acting out. That is what compels you to be dishonest. The more you suppress, the more you will act out. If your marriage requires suppression of your needs, you will need to manage the acting out in some way.